So as I'm sitting here at 24 weeks and 1 day, trying to discern if the mild ache I just felt was normal or something more significant, I figure it's probably time for me to write the second part of my miscarriage story. If your'e looking for part 1 - it's here : http://pcosflowerchica.blogspot.com/2011/03/my-second-trimester-pregnancy-loss-at.html
So to catch you up, I've already miscarried, delivered in the hospital, and now I've been released. My delivery went ok. I even delivered what seemed to be the entire placenta with no problems. I was given that awesome ice-pack filled panty in the delivery room. I know it's a strange thing but with all the discomfort that you go through with a delivery - it simply felt amazing! Anyway, I was released and I went home. I was given a list of symptoms to watch out for.
The very next day, I noticed that I was passing chunks of tissue. It was sort of like a heavy period. I thought this was strange because I was supposed to be experiencing spotting, maybe some light bleeding. I let the day progress, and the chunks were still coming! So I figured something was wrong. I called the doctor, and they said I should come in. The obgyn on staff did an examination and I kid you not, pulled out some friggin foreceps. She then proceeded to attempt to pull the chunks of tissue out of me!! Right there in the examination room. Now I have a fairly high tolerance for pain - but this was absolutely unbearable! I was damn near in tears. I finally had to tell her that this was not going to work. I was squirming and wincing in pain. She finally stopped and stepped out of the room. When she returned, she said... ummm.... we've scheduled a surgery for you - a D&C - you need to have your uterine lining scraped. We can't do it here.
Oh really? No kidding? What the hell gave you that idea? The fact that you were trying to pull chunks of tissue out of me with foreceps and no anesthesia? And you had to go to med school to know that was a bad idea??? OK I didn't say all of that - but I'm pretty sure the expression on my face said that!
So I hobbled out of that office made my arrangements to have my D&C and I think the next day I was scheduled for a D&C to be performed by my primary obgyn. Now surgeries are always strange things. The meds are weird, you feel loopy, etc.
I got to the pre-op, met the anesthesiologist and my obgyn came to talk to me. He talked about the percentages for success, risks of poking my uterus , etc. Great - just want I want to be thinking about before I go under! They started to bring me down with sedatives and everything went fine. They rolled me into the operating room and transferred me to the operating table. I would be having full anesthesia for this procedure. I remember distinctly that my obgyn / surgeon wouldn't look me in the eye while I was on the table. I didn't know if that was part of his ritual - but I thought it was really creepy LOL. The anesthesiologist told me that she was going to put something in my IV to put me to sleep. She said it would be quick. I sort of looked up to my left and saw her drawing some Fentanyl into a needle. She put it in my IV and instantly I had an itching burning sensation that ran through my body. I tried to tell her that "it itches" but by the time I finished that sentence, I woke up in the recovery room. Now I expected to drift off to sleep - but I literally just shut off.
That was definitely strange. I remember my obgyn coming by and the anesthesiologist telling me everything went ok. I remember my dear husband by my bed telling me - welcome back ! I spent a few more hours in recovery and when I was able to walk - we did the bathroom test. For those of you who have never had an outpatient surgery - the general rule is that if you can piss - you can go home. So I was walked over to the bathroom and I sat on the toilet and spent about 15 minutes taking a pathetic pee. I managed to do so - so they helped me get dressed and I was released. I don't know if I subscribe to that rule - because you're so friggin out of it - that although you can pee - they still wheel you out of there in a wheelchair!
Anyway, the surgery was a success. I had mild spotting for a few days and my bleeding disappeared. They also put me on Percocets. Percocets are my happy pill. I prefer them to other pain killers. They don't give me any of the nausea, light headedness or discomfort like I get from Vicodin. I also understand why there are never refills on them. They literally make all your pain go away and you simply feel happy. Just 6 hours after my surgery I was at home, smiling away, with no signs that I'd lost my baby. No wonder people get hooked on prescription pain killers. All that good feeling and no side effects!
When the pain killers wore off and I decided to stop taking them - I was hit with a wave of grief. I hadn't cried much through my miscarriage. In fact, I think at that point I only cried once when my water broke and I realized our baby wasn't going to make it. And it was just on a phone call to my husband who was getting food at the cafeteria. I simply said - I need you ... she isn't going to make it. I didn't cry during delivering the baby. I didn't cry when she died. I didn't cry when she was laying in that incubator. I sort of went into a state of shock and I got fixated on making sure that I was coherent enough to deal with the medical things that were going on.
So now I was home, not pregnant any more, no baby in sight, and I'll never forget - I went upstairs to my bedroom and simply collapsed in the floor in grief. I cried in a way I've never cried before. I cried for my loss, I cried for my baby and thinking how I'd failed her, and I cried for the pain I had just endured. My husband just held me and let me cry my little heart out. I was sporadically weepish for about 2 weeks and then I woke up and said enough was enough.
I put together a plan to make sure that this tragedy didn't spill over into the rest of my life and completely derail me. So I guess that's another post for another day :) I'll follow up with what I did to recover and make sure that this miscarriage wasn't going to be the thing that ruined my life.
No comments:
Post a Comment