The dark side of new motherhood

Becoming a mother is the best and worst thing you'll ever do. Make no mistake about it - it will completely rock your world. We're made to feel guilty if we admit anything negative about child rearing. We're trained to believe that the moment that baby comes out of you - every bad feeling about child rearing should just go away. Well it just isn't true. If you're looking for the full list of things they should tell you before you try to conceive - click here.

Trying to Conceive is only fun if you aren't trying to conceive! Pregnancy sucks. It does a number on your body. Labor is the craziest most unnatural thing you will ever endure. Holding your baby for the first time is one of the best feelings you will ever have. Nothing comes close to seeing a new life be created. Then comes the reality of being a new mother!

First - the sleep deprivation is just horrible. It's completely mind numbing. Couple that with a screaming baby and it's no wonder evil people use sleep deprivation and the sounds of babies screaming as torture methods. Also - consider the reality that it is very possible that you may go for 6 months without a decent night's sleep. Lucky parents are able to get their babies to sleep through the night within 3 - 4 months. I was blessed with a baby that started sleeping 6 straight hours at 5 weeks and 8 hours straight at 9 weeks. You will also get a sort of spider sense. If your baby's breathing patterns shift - you wake up. If they cry - you wake up. If they cough - you wake up. If they sneeze you wake up. If they move - you wake up. If they stop breathing - you wake up. You're going to become hyper vigilant over night.

Secondly - it's normal to feel some level of resentment towards your baby, your pregnancy, your significant other and your new situation. You'll realize very quickly that you've given up your freedom. Your baby will come before everything - showers, using the bathroom, eating, sleeping, etc. I've had that emotional breakdown which was perfectly summed up in a pathetic wail by me " My life is over !!!"

Third - Breastfeeding sucks. There's nothing natural about it - don't listen to all of the BS about how it's the most natural thing on earth. Babies have to learn how to breastfeed and they do it while chewing on your nipples. You will learn to bear through the pain or start spending a fortune on formula.

Fourth - Loss of your identity. Yes - no one really cares about you once that baby is out. You'll even notice that your parents will call you just to find out how the baby is doing. You have just been redefined as the mother to the person that matters.

Fifth - You are going to have to make special effort to tend to your relationship. It's hard to feel sexy when a baby has been chomping on your nipples. You'll find that child rearing may rearrange your nether regions a bit too. Not everything will be exactly where you left it.

We're made to feel bad because we have negative feelings about motherhood - but they are perfectly normal. Every time I look into my baby's smiling face I remember why I do this - but there are plenty of times when I'm sleepy, I'm holding her to my chest and she's a blur of kicking, drooling, yelling, and crying all at once. In those moments - all I am doing is wishing she will run out of energy. To be a mother is to make an incredible sacrifice. You will give up your body, your sense of identity, your sleep, and your way of life for someone who will be absolutely dependent on you. Your baby won't love you. They will not say thank you and will have ZERO appreciation for what you are doing until perhaps they hit their 20's and 30's. It is thankless work that is absolutely rewarding if you stick it out until the end. This is the reality you must come to terms with before you have a child. I'm loving the fact that I've done this. And I love my daughter in ways I didn't know were possible - but I also know how much I'm giving up to make this work.

To the bitter infertile - stop hating pregnant women

I need to preface this post with the fact that I believe I've earned the right to get on this soap box. After 5 years of negative pregnancy tests, PCOS, non-existent cycles,  a miscarriage, a failed IVF cycle, a high risk pregnancy, gestational diabetes, a cerclage, pre-term labor, and an induction from hell - I think I can say a thing or two about dealing with infertility. I've managed to overcome infertility once and have a baby but I'm gearing up to battle with it again as I go for baby #2.

That being said - here's my two cents. I sit on forums for women who are TTC with infertility and you see those women - the ones who are bitter. They have been TTC and have a very nasty attitude towards women who have already been pregnant. It always starts with some rant about hating to go to baby showers. Perhaps they reference a friend who has been trying with them and got pregnant before they do. They escalate to resenting pregnant women. That resentment escalates to include women who have had their children.

But why should an infertile woman hate women who have overcome their fertility, become pregnant, and/or had kids? What exactly did those women do ? And more so - how can you hate someone that has achieved what you are trying to do?  What is it about infertility that brings so much negativity? We already have to battle so much in our lives, internal pressures, pressures from in-laws and parents, fears, emotions, he pain of BFNs, the pain of dashed hopes, the discomforts and pains of fertility treatments, the pain of miscarriages, and the emotional strain of it all. Should we really be adding negativity to the mix?

Yes we can sometimes feel incomplete because of our inability to rear children. Yes we can feel bad about our journey to fertility when we see the successes of others. But what kind of mothers will we be if we harbor so much jealousy and resentment before our children are born. And once we have those children - what kind of mothers will be be? Will we be self loathing because we've become the very people that we've resented so much? Do we suddenly forget that we were once envious of pregnant women? What kind of maturity does this resentment show?

I know that infertiles are often susceptible to emotional issues. After all many of us have hormonal issues. With hormonal issues comes emotional issues. But that's all the more reason we should make the extra effort not to be difficult. So to the bitter infertile I say - celebrate with your friend who has become pregnant. Go to your friend's baby shower - because you would want them to be happy for you. Be willing to hang out with your loved ones / friends and their kids because you would want them to do it for you. But more so - remember that child rearing is a miracle ( whether you have battled infertility or not) and it should always be celebrated.

I'm so heartbroken over having gestational diabetes

I didn't think I'd be upset about this - but I do feel really down about this..... I mean.. I've worked out like a mad woman for years. Hell I used to run 20 + miles a week. I lost my first pregnancy with a 20 week spontaneous dilation. UGH! I had 5 years of BFNs after that. I went through 4 months of explosive diarrhea while adjusting my body to metformin. I went through 3 months on nutrisystem to get down to an ideal weight for IVF. I went through a bout of OHSS, I spent 3 weeks where I was in excruciating pain from PIO shots - only to find out I wasn't pregnant. I went through a cerclage and my cervix still shortened! I've been on bed rest for 8 straight weeks. I have 7 more to go! Now I'm pregnant and for a moment I got excited because I've gained only 9 lb in 7 months. I thought that maybe... just maybe I'd be able to win one little battle - but NO - now I have GD too. I honestly feel mentally battered. I wake up 4 - 5 times a night. I toss endlessly. I'm just tired and sadly am secretly wishing for a break from my pregnancy. I'd love to have just 2 days where I feel normal. It's such a weight to deal with. It's like this unending monkey on my back situation that I just can't get an escape from. I find myself fantasizing about having a tiny escape from this whole fertility battle. I know I have only 6 weeks until my cerclage comes out. We're so close to meeting our baby - but wow.... I'm going to have to pull myself together to get through this. OK .... rant over

How dare the FDA terrify us over this 17p mess

I'll be the first person to admit - I'm not the activist type. In fact, I wouldn't even care about 17p shots if I wasn't affected by them. I didn't realize (until I was pregnant and with a cervix shortening after a preventative cerclage) that the 17p shot was even so critical until it was prescribed for me. The gist of the story - the FDA grants a pharmaceutical company (Makena) exclusive rights to this shot. So why would this matter? The price of the (weekly) shot would go up from $10-$20 to up to $1500 a shot. This simple little shot is what stands between many pre-term-labor-risk women and pregnancy loss. So how could this happen? How could March of Dimes support this? What was everyone thinking???

The pharmacies that used to produce it were supposedly told to stop producing it. Women went and refilled as much of their prescriptions, and tons of pregnant women braced for the worst. There was some poorly explained patient support program that would provide affordable versions of the medication for people. Despite all the anger - you have to ask yourself - what is the FDA thinking?? This isn't some elective drug to treat a non-critical condition.... like that short-eyelashes condition. This is a matter of life or death.

Anyway - the fuss went on for a few weeks, then I find this article: http://www.freep.com/article/20110331/NEWS06/103310424/FDA-allows-cheaper-version-pregnancy-drug-continue . And there are tons of other articles citing this. What's this... the FDA says..umm oops .. yeah  you cheaper pharmacies... you can still make 17p shots for cheap. So what was the point of this whole circus? Why did we all have to get ourselves wound up over fears of being unable to save our pregnancies. Why are you even giving a company exclusive rights if other people are still allowed to make the drug. Was there any point to this at all?

I'm happy that in a nutshell - nothing has changed - I can still get my drugs - but a TON of energy has been wasted on this cluster! I have to wonder if this was someone's sick idea of a joke - to terrorize pregnant women into thinking they may not be able to afford to save their pregnancies....

ok rant over!

Why is OBGYN/prenatal care so crappy?

I should start with a disclaimer - this piece is a bit of a rant.  Because of my "complex" medical history regarding child rearing, I've had the pleasure of being under the care of an obgyn, endocrinologist, general practitioner, reproductive endocrinologist and perinatologist. And yes at any given point, I've been under the care of more than one of them. So here's what inspired today's post:

Yesterday I went to see my peri to get my cervix measured and make sure I'm not going into pre-term labor. Due to some mixup, the nurse at the front desk gave me my medical file. Since I had to wait almost an hour to see the doctor, and I've read every brochure in that doctor's office thrice already, I decided to browse my file. The most interesting thing I found was a note from my perinatologist to my reproductive endocrinologist and obgyn. It was regarding my cerclage. Apparently there was extensive debate over my case. One doctor didn't want to give me a cerclage - and my peri went to defend the right to give me a cerclage. And get the reason why the one doctor didn't want to give me one : He preferred that I get 3 second-trimester losses BEFORE I qualify for a cerclage. Now how on earth does that make sense? Will I even have the mental wherewithal to still try to get pregnant after losing 3 babies in the second trimester? I'm PCOS, I had to have IVF to have my baby, should I pay for 3 IVF cycles to earn the right to try and save my pregnancy? Who makes up these rules???

Anyway - I digress :) So here's what happened in my first pregnancy - and why I'm very anti OBGYNs. When I got pregnant the first time - I was set up on a monthly appointment schedule. The average appointment consisted of a urine sample, bloodwork, and a quick abdominal ultrasound. That's not so bad. Except, one day at 20 weeks, I walked into my monthly obgyn appointment and was 4 cm dilated. Hmm... someone missed something. I know incompetent cervix is often asymptomatic - so at this point - I gave them a pass. A year later when I was ready to conceive, I had no periods. I didn't get a PCOS diagnosis from my obgyn. What I got was 3 failed unmonitored clomid cycles and then advice to go speak to a specialist.

Fast forward a few years, after finally becoming an IVF graduate, I get released to my OB. Wow.... after spending 2 years with a specialist, you realize how low-grade OB facilities are! My first appointment didn't include an ultrasound or a doppler - because my RE had done one the week before. Of course, every pregnant woman in the first trimester wants an ultrasound or at least doppler to confirm her baby is still there. Needless to say I went on amazon and bought a doppler immediately afterwards! Every monthly appointment afterwards pretty much consisted of a 10 second doppler, bloodwork, and urine samples. And that's it. Now how could you possibly catch anything wrong if that's all you look at ? They have yet to give me an ultrasound. One of my coworkers didn't get her first ultrasound until 20 weeks!! I'm probably just very biased, but with the number of premature babies born in the USA, and the whole range of pregnancy complications, I wonder if a more aggressive screening approach could help a lot of us. Also, why is it people want to see recurrent pregnancy loss to believe you might really have a problem. At my OB office, one doctor tried to categorize my 20 week miscarriage as fetal demise - instead of incompetent cervix. That one statement could have disqualified me for the pregnancy saving cerclage I have right now.

It just seems to me that there's an expectation that if a pregnancy fails.... oh well stuff happens. But no one wants to take it seriously unless it happens over and over. That's fine (I guess?) for women who can get pregnant at will. However, for those of us who have to literally fight and spend insane amounts of money to get our ONE chance at having a baby - that kind of attitude is just appalling. Anyway rant over... that's just my 5 am thought for the day.

So begins day 8 of bed rest!!!!