Furious with AF

Well... after my BFN - after my first IVF, I was looking forward to a long weekend. I had all kinds of festive activities planned. I was anticipating AF showing up about a week or so after I stopped my progesterone. In fact, I was expecting that worst case scenario, AF would show up right around the end of my weekend. Giving me at least 2 days of fun in the sun. Not only that - but I was looking forward to 5 days where I could actually enjoy some sexual activity with Dh. But NO - Mother Nature wasn't hearing any of that. 2 days after I stopped my progesterone... AF shows up! So I've had 1 round of sex in i think 6 weeks. Ugh!!! And my nurse warned me that this will be heavier than a normal period - as if a chick with PCOS knows what a normal period is!

So this is just my venting - because it's irritating that this is one more thing I'll have to give up for this. Can't exercise during cycles because of how sick I was, can't drink, can't take any caffeine, can't eat naughty things, and can't have sex. Ugh... is there anything else that this TTC mission hasn't taken away from me?

Embracing my first IVF BFN

Well I might as well just say it – I got my first BFN after my first IVF. I feel kind of weird about it. I mean I have been level headed through this entire IVF. I understood all of the risks. In fact, I haven’t shed a single tear through all of this (don't think that's normal). Every step of IVF is a huge question mark. You don’t know if you will get follicles, you don’t know if they will grow to full size, you don’t know if they will contain eggs, you don’t know if the eggs will fertilize, you don’t know if the fertilized eggs will develop, and then you don’t know if the embryo will stick. So you know better than to get your hopes up. But if all of that wasn’t enough – they give you progesterone which actually makes you feel pregnant. How much of a mind F&*K is that? Now you spend 2 weeks feeling pregnant while you wait to see if you really are. Through all of this you have to keep a level head and realize that nothing is guaranteed. I know that if you do IVF enough times – you’ll get preggers, but it just hurts when it doesn’t happen. SO I get my BFN and my mind sort of goes into a haze as the doctor babbles on about potential clotting factors and possible family background for heart attacks. Ugh… all I know is that we’ll be having a consult to discuss what went wrong and what could be done differently.

I don’t blame myself yet I feel like a failure. I feel like there’s something wrong with me. I feel like there’s something I didn’t do. I feel like if I had spent one more day resting, or perhaps not switched from PIO shots to suppositories or perhaps if I just wanted this baby a little more – I’d have gotten my BFP. I've been pregnant before so I know my uterus works - so why did it fail me now? I know none of these thoughts are rational – yet my mind keeps moving in that direction.

Now I have the pleasure of waiting for AF to come. Not only will this confirm just how NOT PREGNANT I am, but I have the pleasure of enduring another period with nothing to show for it. I then get to begin counting down to my next cycle. I’m already hell bent on doing as many cycles as I have eggs or at least until I get preggers. I guess I just have to channel my frustration into positive energy for the next cycle. It’s just hard right now.

So… IVF Score 2 – FlowerChica Score 0!