29 weeks pregnant, oh so tired, and nesting with a credit card!

I don't know when it happened but my energy just upped and disappeared. Funny enough, I often feel like my pregnancy symptoms are self fulfilling prophecies. If I read that fatigue is common in the 3rd trimester, then I find myself getting tired, it seems like maybe I'm just tired because I expect to be tired.

That being said, I've crocheted more blankets and booties than I care to admit. I've actually graduated to nesting with my credit card! In two weeks, I've bought the stroller, car seat, bassinet, crib, changing table/dresser, crib mattress, wall decals, and a few baby outfits. I'm so ready to have all the stuff that the baby needs. I still don't feel that big, but I have a feeling that my energy is quickly dissipating. I'm now kind of obsessed with making sure I have everything sorted out in the next 4 weeks because I'm getting a lot slower!

I wanted to post a little bit about the stroller I got. I haven't had a chance to test it out with a baby in it - but I'm absolutely loving it. I fell in love with it because it has the lay-flat bassinet option and I just love that look. Here's the stroller I got. It's all extremely easy to use. Everything has easy buttons and clicks to drop things in and pull things out. It took all of 10 minutes to assemble all of it. For reference, this is the Britax B-Ready Stroller. I just have to add the caveat, I'm a mom to be - and have no idea as to how it will hold up, but this thing has a TON of features.

All in all, I've had a pretty uneventful week. I guess I shouldn't complain about being asymptomatic.  I've been doing kick counts, although this baby is so active - it's barely necessary. It rarely takes me more than 10 minutes to hit my 10 kicks. The only crappy thing is that she's been giving me kicks on my bladder. That has sent me dashing to the bathroom plenty of times.

Sorry for the all over the place post... my pregnancy brain is kicking in - in full effect.

An odd encounter at a lab while getting my 3 hour glucose test

I've followed tons of forum posts and blogs with people talking about their GTT tests. People describe nausea, vomiting, horrible taste, etc. I just recently did mine and I thought I'd share my experience.

For starters, I did have some anxiety about this. The 1-hour screening test was ok. My obgyn was kind of enough to refrigerate the 50 mg drink - so it wasn't so bad. However, this time around I went to a Quest lab location for my 3 hour. They didn't refrigerate it :( so it wasn't so cool. Before I go too far down the road, here's how it went :

This is a fasting test, so I had to stop eating around 7 pm. I was convinced that I was going to be ravenous but it wasn't so bad actually. I ate my dinner at 7 and I was able to drink water afterwards. My friend picked me up around 7:15 am and we made our way out to the lab. We ended up getting there early but no biggie. After checking in once they opened, the lab tech took me in the back and drew my blood. I don't have anxiety over needles, but I was hoping she'd use a butterfly needle. That needle is always better to me. As I looked over, I saw her reaching for a butterfly needle - woohoo! She drew the blood from my right arm (injection #1). She gave me a 100 mg solution that was lukewarm to the touch. Inside, I thought .. ugh - this is going to be nasty. If you haven't tried the solution, it's like drinking a flat Fanta that's overly concentrated. It tastes like soda syrup. I was given 5 minutes to gulp it down and was told not to drink any water during the test.  The tech told me that she'd be drawing my blood every hour after that.

I went back into the lobby and sat down. Now I had company so the time went pretty quickly. I also brought my laptop and was able to find a wifi connection. I even managed to post on my forums during the test. Before I knew it - the tech was calling my name to get my blood drawn again. This time she drew blood from my left arm. For a split second, my mind drifted to thinking butterfly needle ... butterfly needle....butterfly needle.... but no such luck. She pulled out some big gauge needle and proceeded to stick my left arm :(  (injection #2) It didn't hurt so bad, but it wasn't the painless almost unnoticeable prick of the butterfly needs. She told me to go back in the waiting room and so began hour #2.

While we were sitting there, an old couple came in.  They looked like they were well into their 70's. As soon as her husband stood up to get his lab work done, she started to ask us questions about cooking. It was one of those conversations where you could tell she had something to say and that we were going to listen no matter what. She proceeded to tell us how her husband had been married before, and his old wife was still trying to get him back. She also mentioned that she had been married to her husband for 30 years... So of course I start doing the math.... He'd been married to the other woman forever a decade. He'd been married to her for over 30 years. That's 40 whole years of marriage! Wow.... you'd think after that many years, people would have settled down into accepting the fate of their relationships. I nearly giggled when the woman said, "I know why she's jealous. I don't see nice purses on her arm, but when I want a purse, my husband goes out and gets me a purse!" I honestly thought that after 30 years... jealousies get umm... more dignified. I guess not!

Not more than 10 minutes after her husband returned and they left, the tech came out and called my name.  I went in and she pulled the bandage off of my right arm. Again I thought... butterfly needle... butterfly needle... butterfly needle.... YES! She picked the butterfly needle. We made some random chatter, she told me how she lost gained only 7 pounds with her pregnancy overall. I half thought about how I was 28+ weeks and had only gained 9 pounds. Maybe I wasn't so abnormal after all. Anyway - she drew my blood (injection #3) and sent me back into the lobby. So began hour #3.

Hour 3 literally flew quickly. There was a woman who came in with her baby. Someone who looked like her mom came in and went to get something from the lab techs. There were a few other people who came in and out. Before I knew it - the tech poked her head out of the door and called my name. I walked in, and she went to take my blood (injection #4). Again - she pulled out that big needle. In my mind I'm thinking.. what the hell??  Needless to say, she drew my blood and I was all done. I walked out, headed to the lobby, grabbed my stuff, and we headed out.

Honestly this was not a negative experience. The injections weren't painful and the time flew pretty quickly.There were a few times where I felt a bit drowsy for a few minutes, but otherwise no real discomfort. Now all I have is the anxiety of waiting for the results to see if I have gestational diabetes.

Phew - another good cervical measurement - well kind of

So I had another Perinatologist appointment today. My DH totally had me freaked out. He's been to so many of these things, he can read my measurements from the ultrasound creen while the tech is taking my measurements. Well today he got them a little wrong. He thought it was a LOT lower than it was - like 1.34 instead of the 2 cm that it has always been. Well.... it turned out that my measurement was only like 1.97. That's a trivial difference in length! I was just happy that DH was wrong - but he did freak me out.

Our baby girl is actually growing nicely. They checked her amniotic fluid levels and they were all normal. She measured 2 pounds 14 ounces - almost 3 pounds! They struggled to catch her heart beat because she didn't want to keep still. She even kicked the ultrasound machine as the doctor was trying to scan my stomach! That was funny. All in all it was a good appointment.

I just realized that I have only 3 appointments with my peri and then it's time for my cerclage to come out. He told me to expect to deliver within a week or a week and a half of my cerclage coming out. That means she might come at 37 or so weeks. Could it be that I'll be having a June baby instead of a July one? Wow! I'm starting to get nervous about this baby coming. In a weird way it's sort of like... OMG what have I gotten myself into! What are we going to do. But I just can't wait to meet this little baby. I'm also beginning to feel a bit overwhelmed by all the stuff we need for the baby. It seems like so much.

My mental battles with bedrest

I can't believe it's been 5 days since my last post! I admit, I've had a rough couple of days. I've still been doing the work from home thing - but the work has been crazy. It's weird having a hard day at work while you're lying on the couch! Also, I just celebrated the passing of the micro-preemie status. I know this is a little celebrated milestone, but for me who is in fear of having a preemie, I feel better knowing we have a chance of having a preemie with better odds.

Also, it seems that now the baby has really started growing. I just feel like I'm being stretched in all directions.  I don't really ever feel comfortable. If I lie on my back I feel heavy and uncomfortable. If I lie on my side, my baby wakes up - and thumps the side I"m sleeping on. I tend to wake up several times a night. I know they say this is preparation for those sleepless nights with a newborn - but wow - it's already taking its toll on me.

Another thing that's frustrating me is that although as the day passes, my risk factors decrease, I have this unshakeable fear. It's not associated with anything I've been feeling physically. In fact, this pregnancy feels great. My baby moves frequently, I have had no spotting, no cramps, and barely any contractions. Yet, after a second trimester miscarriage, waiting 5 years for a BFP, a harrowing IVF cycle, a failed fresh IVF cycle, finally getting pregnant, my cervix shortening, and now failing a glucose tolerance test... I feel like its delusional to think that this pregnancy will work out without complications. Of course my mom says things will be fine - and just be positive, but it's hard not to remember all of the things that can go wrong. I try not to let my emotions drift too far in that direction, because I think mental stress gets transferred to the baby.

On top of everything I feel lonely. Not lonely in the sense of not being around people. I've been very lucky, friends have come to visit me, my mom spent 6 weeks with me, my husband spends lots of time with me and I have people staying with me when he's not around. But I miss my life. I miss my freedom. I miss the things I used to do. I even miss some simple basic things, like being able to go upstairs whenever I wanted to. I am not afraid that my life will change after this baby comes, but I'm afraid I'll lose myself. I feel like I've been pregnant since July (when I started all the IVF stuff). I will literally go a year having given up my body by the time our baby comes.  I plan to exclusively breastfeed, so I know to some degree I'm still giving up my body for at least 6 months after that.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining as such. I have absolutely no regrets and I would never change my mind about having this baby or future ones - but I have to admit, this whole process has taken quite the mental toll on me. Sorry for the rambling thoughts today... I was having trouble focusing! Must be my pregnant brain!

Failing my glucose tolerance test - score 1 for PCOS

Well, I failed my glucose tolerance test that I took last week. I was actually kind of disappointed. The nurse tried to console me, telling me that I didn't exactly bomb it. Normal is under 140, pre-diabetic is 141-199, and diabetic is over 200. I scored 179. I didn't exactly feel good about that. I'm not entirely surprised, since I have PCOS and already have slightly elevated insulin levels.

I tell you though, I seriously thought I had a chance at beating it. This pregnancy has been so weird... I haven't been on metformin since 12 weeks. Even then my compliance wasn't that great. The thing that gave me hope was that I really haven't gained much with this pregnancy. At 24 weeks I was up maybe 6 pounds. I gained another 3 pounds or so in the next 2 weeks. That's not that bad - especially for a woman with PCOS. I've also noticed that my fat stores have actually decreased. My "tires" on my sides as my DH so fondly calls them actually shrank and disappeared. I was never really hungry and for once it seemed like my metabolism was actually working. But ugh.. alas it was short lived. 

The process for the 1-hour test isn't bad at all. I didn't have to fast or anything. I ate a light breakfast and made my way to the OB. Of course I spent too much time reading google about the test, and women talking about feeling nauseas, or hating the syrup. Fortunately the drink was given to me cold. It tastes like a cheap store-brand knock-off Fanta. I drank it in just a minute or two and then let the nurse know I was done. I waited an hour. Fortunately I also met a midwife and had a regular checkup during the appointment. So that passed the time some. Finally it was time and I got my blood drawn. That wasn't too bad but I wished the woman would have used a butterfly needle. I hate the traditional needles they like to use - they simply hurt my arms. After that.. I went home.

So now I have to wait for the doctor to send me my paperwork so I can go and do the 3-hour glucose tolerance test. It literally takes 4 hours in total... so I'm going to plan to spend my day in a lab getting my blood drawn every hour. I sincerely hope I pass this and don't get diagnosed as having gestational diabetes...

Co-ed Baby Shower - I need some help guys!

I just realized I'm running out of time and I need to plan for our shower. I've begun planning for our co-ed baby shower and I have some questions about how a co-ed shower would go. 

For starters, let me say what we're planning. My husband and I throw these parties at our houses called a "Gathering of Friends". We've been doing this for roughly the last 5 years. We invite all of our friends from the different aspects and social circles. We've had as many as 100 people show up to one of these gigs before. We grill an enormous amount of meat, cook way too many entrees, make tons of desserts, and have tons of libations. It's pretty much an indulgent affair. It basically starts around 4 - 5 o'clock and has run as late as 4 am. It's sort of an all you can eat all you can drink thing! Normally that's the time by which I kick the last stragglers out. We do this at least twice a year, and it's always been a hit, because we get a chance to see everyone we care about at once. We also design the guest list so that everyone knows at least 3 - 4 people there. So no one feels left out.

I'm thinking that for our baby shower, I want to do a special version of our "Gathering of Friends". Because this event is for guys and girls, and the number of people coming, I'm thinking that the normal rules don't apply.

Question #1 
I am having a registry and expecting gifts, but do I have to go through the entire gift opening process with everyone watching? Is this feasible if we have 50 people show up?

Question #2
I'm assuming that traditional shower games are out - partly because of the number of invitees, and also because I don't know what games would work with guys and girls. Has anyone had games that have worked for lots of people or guys or girls?

Question #3 
What are good thank you gifts to give people for coming? So far I've found custom candy jars, personalized cookies, personalized hershey's kisses, and personalized mints. Do you know of any gifts that work well for guys and girls alike?

Question #4 
Now I'm still on bedrest, at the moment... it's just modified bedrest so I plan to sit through most of this event. Has anyone done a baby shower while on bedrest?

Question #5
Should I plan an "agenda" for this or should we just let it run like a party as it has in the past? I'm thinking I'd like to give a short toast / speech thanking everyone for coming and telling them how much this pregnancy means to me and how special it is that they have come here to celebrate it with us. No more than 1 - 2 minutes tops... Is that a good idea? and is that sufficient?

Today's random pregnancy thought.... the ambivalence of feeling baby kicks

I love the fact that my baby kicks all the time, but every kick reminds me that my cervix is incompetent... and I get a little scared....

A taste of freedom

As I cross my 36th day of bedrest, I realize how grateful I've become for any external stimulation. To be honest, I'm not miserable at home. I am working remotely so I actually have roughly a 50 hour work week at home. Trust me - I'm very appreciative of the opportunity to keep working. It gives my days a sense of purpose.

So the highlight of my week is my visit to the doctor. It means I get to leave the house. I can sit in the car, and  I can see what everything else looks like. I can even roll down my window and smell different smells. It's funny how you take those little things for granted. I'm only 36 days into my bedrest, and I have roughly 70 to go!!

Anyway - I digress.... so this week I had 2 doctor appointments! It's like a double treat. My first one was to the see the perinatologist and then the second one was to the OB for my glucose tolerance test. And they were on different days ! Extra Double Treat!!! My mom and I have a deal, if I get a good cervical measurement, I can stop somewhere for lunch on the way back. So we stopped and had lunch at a diner I like. That was fine. My mom wanted to go to Macy's and pick up some shoes. Normally if she stops somewhere I just sit in the car. I'm trying really hard to be diligent and not get into trouble walking around more than I should. I've already lost my freedom, I don't want to be on complete or hospital bed rest! This time around my mom was worried that it was too hot to leave me in the car. She parked at an entrance that had some chairs right at the entrance.

So she dropped me off right at the door, and I waddled the 10 steps into the Macy's and plopped myself down in the show department at the door. Now I feel like those senior citizens who just sit and people watch in the mall - but it was so cool  It almost felt like sensory overload. So many people walking by, new smells, bright colors, and of course.... shoes!!! Here was the view from my chair :

Now I was also right next to the shoes section. I saw a bunch of high heels which just looked divine. Of course I'm wondering if this baby makes it, how long will it be - before I can wear heels again! I've always envisioned myself as a mommy in heels. Not all the time, but I could easily see myself in a cute outfit and some heels while pushing a stroller. Who knows hehhe. Anyway here are the heels that were tormenting me : 

So that was my taste of freedom. This is the closest I've come to an actual shopping trip - in fact actually doing something normal people do. And I absolutely loved it!

Our baby's first facial picture - is she trying to suck the placenta?

I know this is cheezy . I always gawked at those pregnant women and mothers who showed their ultrasound pictures and baby shots to anyone who would look. Well I've totally joined the ranks. I can't even begin to describe the amount of pride I felt when I saw this picture. So far being pregnant has been a series of tests, ultrasounds, injections, and constant fears about a pregnancy loss. Our baby has also looked like a skinny - scrawny looking this. Then this week happened.... we got to see our little girl at 25 weeks 6 days and she looked like a baby. The perinatologist gave us a 3D scan or 4D - I can never tell what the difference is. All I know is that we can see her face in real detail.

The other cool thing was while he was doing it - we got to see her moving in 3D. Now that was awesome. We caught her blinking, smiling, and trying to suck on the placenta! Now that was definitely something different. Doing this just makes me love her that much more. I'm so impatient ... I'm ready to meet her ... but we've got roughly 99 days to go!! Anyway - here's the pic... here's our little baby

Biting my nails a bit for tomorrow's appointment

This will be a really short post today. I'm headed to the perinatologist tomorrow for a fresh cervix measurement and another 17p shot in my butt. It drives me nuts thinking about if my cervix is doing ok. I've had no symptoms so I guess no reason to panic, but incompetent cervix is so often asymptomatic. I keep having thoughts that my cervix is just slowly unraveling on its own. Thursday I go my glucose tolerance test. Yes one more thing to panic about. At least it's only the 1-hour test. If I pass it I don't have to test again. If I fail, I have to do the 3-hour test. And if I fail that ... well I have gestational diabetes!

Well ok no more panicking  - sorry for the raggedy post today....I'll have more to share after tomorrow.

Fighting the urge to nest - my pile of crocheted things

So I write this post with a lot of fear. I'm afraid to get all cocky and start doing the proud-mom-to-be posts. That being said every day I get more confident that this pregnancy is just going to make it. This baby girl gets stronger by the day. I can tell by the kicks she gives me. They used to be loving taps, now they are less gentle and a lot more aggressive. It's reassuring to know that she's still in there I still find it hard to shake all my pre-term labor fears.

Well - I'm 25 weeks and 3 days pregnant today and 32 days into my bed rest. I can't believe I waited until 24 weeks to buy the first baby things . I sort of feel like it's taboo, like I might just jinx my pregnancy if I start behaving like I know for sure that this baby is coming. That being said, I did let myself start crocheting so that I could pass the time. As a result - I've made way too many baby things..

Here's the first thing I made - a baby blanket that's entirely too long but hey - if I have two - I can put them both on it :) I read somewhere that black and red are the first colors that a baby can see. I chose white so that there will be a good contrast between the different parts.

Then I made this yellow and brown one. I made this one sort of rounded, so that it will be good for cradling a baby. It sort of naturally falls around the little one. I don't know if I'd let my little one sleep alone in this blanket, but it would be great for holding her.

My first bassinet blanket. I'm actually going to try and go the traditional route and get a bassinet. You don't see those pram style of strollers any more. I made this blue and brown blanket to use in a bassinet.

So this is my little hat of shame. The reason I call it a hat of shame is that when I started this was a hat. I realized about halfway two, it was way too flat and big to be a hat. After debating as to repurpose it or scrap it, I decided to turn it into a purse. I don't intend to ever use it - so maybe I'll hang it on a wall and stick some toys into it.

Here's a baby hat. I actually like this one - except it's still too big for a baby!! Needless to say my hat making skills are seriously questionable!

I have managed to get my bib skills in order! I ended up buying some yarn that was way too rough to be used for a blanket. So I took a stab at making baby bibs. 

I've made a ton of other things as well, but this is a good enough spread to post. So far I've made about 8 baby blankets, 3 sets of booties, 3 bibs, 1 hat and 1 purse. I don't think my baby will use most of what I've made. In fact, I'm pretty sure I've taken my first step towards being that delusional mother who thinks their kid will want to wear a homemade piece of clothing because it was made with love! As soon as she's able to talk and is aware of fashion sense, I'm pretty sure this stuff will make it to the bottom of the closet. That being said, I keep looking for healthy ways to kill my time - and for now the crocheting seems to work. 

A ton of random facts about me

I totally jacked this idea from the Womb Warrior . I don't know if this will replace today's blog post - but I don't know. I sort of want to post something about all my craftiness during my bed rest. 

Anyway - here's a quick and dirty snapshot into me :) Please feel free to reblog this!

My demeanor:

• I’m not terribly loud
• I’m sarcastic.
• I'm a cynic at heart
• I'm driven and believe I'm in control of my destiny
• I'm not one for tears but I will cry if the situation warrants it
• I don't have a temper
• I don't get angry often, but if I do... run and don't look back
• I'm extremely loyal
• I'm not an optimist or a pessimist - I'm a determined realist who doesn't believe in giving up.
• I’m easy to get along with.
• I don't like having enemies if I don't have to 
• I don't smoke
• I don't drink coffee or tea for that matter
• I almost never ask for favors
• I am a carnivore - but I'll put something green next to my meat
• I love seafood and could give up meat for seafood - maybe*
• I love a pretty cocktail
• I won't drink alcohol that doesn't taste nice
• I have a fairly high tolerance for pain
• I'm not moody - but my husband may think otherwise
• I'll try any food at least once
• I'm not a big fan of chocolate!

My battles:

• I have PCOS
• It's given me an extra 20 lb or so 
• My ovaries are defunct - but I don't talk bad about them :)
• I've lost my first pregnancy at 20 weeks due to incompetent cervix
• I've spent years trying to get pregnant because of PCOS
• My PCOS hasn't given me hairiness, but it did give me a strange muffin top - it's only in the front!
• I've been on metformin for years... that's made eating difficult
• I'm an IVF graduate

My appearance:

• I almost never wear makeup
  
• I don't really enjoy jewelry
• My hair alternates between curly and straight based on my moods
• I used to hate dresses, now I wear them 
• I love a nice pair of 4-5 inch heels
• I clean up good if I have to
• I don't have an tattoos
• I have no piercings - well my ears are pierced but they don't count

Relationships:

• I'm married 
• I’ve missed an ex before.
• I’ve never been afraid to be hurt 
• I’ve been in love more than once
• I've broken some hearts in the past
• I believe in love at first sight
• I don't believe love is enough of a reason to get married
• I believe you have to go all in to get anything meaningful out of a relationship
• I've never been defined by a relationship
• I've been told I'm not marriage material - but Ha! I've been married almost 10 years now! TAKE THAT!
• I don't do long-distance relationships

Friendships:

• I have two closest friends
• I have at least ten REAL friends. 
• But according to Facebook - I have over 150 friends :)
• I’ve gotten a phone call in the last 48 hours from a friend.
• I can trust at least five people with my life - and some of them are my friends.
• All I've ever asked my friends to do is be a friend

Experiences:

• I’ve been on a plane.
• I’ve taken a taxi.
• I’ve taken a city bus.
• I’ve taken a school bus.
• I’ve made a speech.
• I’ve been in some sort of club.
• I've played soccer, basketball, volleyball, softball and tennis
• I’ve won an award.
• I've been on at least 5 continents
• I've ridden an ostrich - and I liked it
• I've gone zip-lining
• I've gone white water rafting
• I've ridden roller coasters
• I've napped on a pristine white beach
• I've climbed a mountain more than once
• I've run 13 miles
• I've met Nelson Mandela
• I’ve eaten 1/4th of a goat ... on my own
• I've grilled 20 lobsters
• I've eaten snails - I won't be doing that again
• I've eaten Kangaroo - I probably won't be doing that again
• I've gone noodling and caught a fish with my finger
• I've gone through IVF
• I've had a pet cat, dog, snake, field rat and chicken. Not all at the same time.
• I once ate at a place so expensive.. a can of coke was six dollars
• I once pet a baby elephant that was being walked down the street. Their snouts are just weird.
• I used to be addicted to orange juice
• I like staying in 5-star hotels if I can
• I fly south for the winter

Music:

• I listen to R&B.
• I listen to pop.
• I listen to hip hop
• I listen to reggae
• I listen to techno.
• I listen to rock. 
• I’m one of those people who play songs repeatedly except I never seem to hate it....
• I download music.
• I used to buy CDs.. but who does that anymore?

Television:

• I spend at least six hours a day watching television - well I do right now while I'm on bed rest 
• Before bed rest - I spent 2 hours or so watching TV 
• I’m in love with Law and Order... but the old ones with Jack McCoy
• I’ve seen and still can't see why people like CSI
• I love shows about crime (Cops, FIrst 48, Dateline on ID, Hard Time, Gangland, Lock Up - Raw)
• On demand has made my TV experience so much better
• I love Ninja Warrior - but more so - Ultimate Banzuke
• Stewie Griffin...nuff said!

Family Life:

• I get along with both of my parents.  
  
• My biological parents are still together.
• I have at least one brother.
• I’ve ran away from my home but came home that night.
• I’ve sworn at my parents. 
• I’ve made my parents cry. 
• I talk with my parents almost daily 
• I never miss an opportunity to spend holidays with my family - no matter what country we have to fly to - to do it
• I live with my husband 
• I do have cats - no they are not my closest friends

Things I can do:

• I can program in several languages
• I can crochet
• I can garden my ass off in Final Fantasy XI
• I can cook, not just make edible food, but make food that makes people smile
• I can build websites 
• I can swim, but I wouldn't bet on me being able to save a drowning person
• I can make a mean cocktail
• I can lead people... I'm a natural at it
• I can ride a bike
• I can roller blade
• I can ice skate.... well I can get on ice skates without falling "too much"
• I can still do cartwheels - but that remains to be seen after this pregnancy

My relationship with food:

• I don't believe in feeling like I have to finish my plate - I believe I'm eating for the experience
• I love sushi and sashimi
• I like japanese, chinese, thai, vietnamese, and malaysian food. 
• I don't care too much for Korean food - except Korean BBQ.. that's awesome.
• I love italian food
• I love a good dry-aged steak done medium rare to rare - based on my moods
• I actually do enjoy eating bad chinese
• I'm not crazy about caribbean food - but coconut rice is awesome
• I'm not huge on desserts
• Pizza's ok - but it's pretty much filler food
• The best seafood is grilled with a  splash of lemon, butter, a little parsley and some black pepper
• I've never done a food challenge... having a stomach that's too full kills my eating experience
• I do love indian food 
• I love spicey food
• The best american food/dish ever is the bacon cheese burger with fries and a strawberry milk shake
• I never understood shrimp and grits
• My favorite red wines are pinot noirs and then merlots
• I don't really like white wines that much 
• My favorite dessert type wines are naturally sweet roses, but I've met 2 moscatos I've liked 
• I love litchi juice

Another Wasted Saturday - This just Got Old!

Bedrest just ain't all that. Even though mine is modified rest, allowing me to get up and walk to the kitchen and shower daily, sometimes I just get tired of looking at these walls. Eventually you run out of entertaining things to do. I have television, I have video games, I've got PC games, I have a laptop, I have my blog, I have friends who visit, I have my dear husband and my dear mother here - but all I really want is freedom. I feel guilty wanting that freedom because I know staying put will give my baby a chance. I know I've resigned that I'ld stick my legs in the air for 9 months if that's what it took to have this baby - but that is always so much easier said than done!

So here I am at 10 pm at night. I've killed my 5th saturday here at home doing pretty much nothing. I've been subjected to a meteor-themed marathon of movies on the Sci-Fi channel. Now I LOVE a B-movie to pass the time - but 6 hours of movies on meteors.... wow! I think I lost a few IQ points on this today.

Now what about hobbies... well I finished my latest 2 blankets and then I made a green and white pair of baby booties as well.  My DH made a nice bbq today which was nice as well. The highlight of my day, when DH brought home my latest baby purchase from the post office - the crib bedding - woohoo!

I just wonder - with all of the toys, gadgets, media, television, etc - why am I so frustrated?? I am tired of looking at these walls... I'm tired of camping on the couch. I'm tired of lying down. I'm tired of having people carry things for me and always telling me to just sit down. I just long for a time where I can go and do whatever I want. What will I do when I get free...... when I'm healthy I'm going to go for a nice run. Then I'm going to drink a mean margarita that night. I have this funny feeling with the exclusive breastfeeding I plan to do..... that is going to be quite some time from now.

I have 11 more weeks of this. Possibly as many as 14 more weeks of this. I just don't even know what I need to make this right. I just know that although this feels necessary - it doesn't feel good.

Obsessive Positive Thinking May Be Setting Yourself Up For a Very Painful Failure

So I was part of a chat the other night for women on bedrest. There was a lady who came on and was all about positive thinking. She cited that the number one cause of pre-term labor is stress and bed rest causes stress. She talked about meditation, positive thinking and this concept visualizations. There was also a medical doctor who joined and he was actually not so keen on the idea of "positive thinking" saves pregnancies.

Now I think there's a balance here. On one side, it seems that the lady was suggesting that you pretty much keep saying - this baby's gonna make it - over and over and over - and it will happen. I see the other side, what happens if you get your hopes up and your baby doesn't make it. Having lost a baby at 20 weeks, and having allowed myself to slip into a 3 day period (at the end) of telling myself over and over - we're going to get through this... we're going to have this baby.... she's going to make it.... and then not making it. I don't know if I subscribe to that mentality. I lay there in hospital with wires and sensors wrapped to my body - and for 3 days willed my uterus to stop contracting. I willed my baby to stay inside. I willed by body to cam down just enough for the doctors to put an emergency cerclage in. What I got was my water breaking in the middle of one of these "positive visualization" moments. That was followed by an overwhelming sense of grief and failure.

Did I lie to myself and think I had more control over my situation? Did I not want my baby bad enough? Did I somehow fail my unborn child? Either way - I regret having that sense of false control because I could just be positive and get through this.

Going forward... I really just focus on still being positive, but being always aware of the risks and dangers with my situation. It might sound pessimistic, but I have to remember that there are 2 possible outcomes for this pregnancy - and both of them are equally possible. I don't really have control over how it's going to go, I can only control what I can do to tip the scales in my favor. I can't allow myself to think about this pregnancy going to term without remembering that it might not make it to term. It's been an interesting ride getting this far and I'm excited to meet my baby.... I just hope we make it to the finish line.