Been locked down for 90 days - 14 days to freedom!

I can't believe it. I have been confined to my couch for 90 days and I still have my sanity. Yes I feel a little cracked out. I do feel a little antsy. It's been hard to go from the whole Type A power woman to a bed ridden pregnant woman. Yet here I am. Today I saw my perinatologist for my second last appointment and I couldn't believe it. I actually scheduled my cerclage removal.  I also got my 3rd last 17p shot. In 2 weeks, no more injections in my back side! We got to see our baby on the ultrasound and it was interesting to see that it was getting harder to see her insides. She's actually gaining baby fat! She's starting to look like a newborn baby! She's head down and really ready to go! I'm also thrilled to know that I'm managing my gestational diabetes well. She's showing no signs of abnormally fast weight gain. The doctor thinks she'll probably top out around 7.5 lb when she's born. That's absolutely delightful to hear!

I can't believe in 2 weeks that my cerclage will be removed. I can deliver at any point after that. I could be holding my baby in as soon as 2+ weeks. Realistically the doctor told me to expect it to be 1 - 2 weeks after the cerclage is removed. I don't even know what I will do with my new found freedom. I want to walk, go out to eat, even go back to the office for a little bit! I'm so looking forward to traveling around with an overnight bag for the hospital and a diaper bag with a take-home outfit for our baby. I'm having my baby showers this week. I can't believe I've had the confidence to even have a baby shower. I'm absolutely loving this.

To any mothers out there still on bedrest - hang in there. I'm getting closer to the finish line and it was completely worth it! I can't wait to meet this little one and hear her cry for the first time.

68 days in bed... and still counting

I honestly didn't think I'd make it this long and still have my sanity. I've been in bed for roughly 2 months and 1 week. I still have at least 5 more weeks to go! Fortunately my bed rest is modified, so I can get up to go to the bathroom and get out to go to the doctor (YAY! The highlight of my weeks). The hardest part of this has been giving up my freedom. I simply can't get up and do the things I used to do. Sometimes, there's food I want or something I'd love to go to Target to get. I can't :( My shopping is now done online - which is ok, but I never realized how much I missed pushing a shopping cart. I'm also eager to nest, but I can only do things at the pace at which I can get help. Ugh...

That being said, I have this little baby inside of me who now kicks constantly. It's a pleasant albeit sometimes uncomfortable feeling. It's that physical confirmation that she's still inside of me - and we're still on the path to success. All in all - I'm doing ok - but this sure isn't easy. When all is said and done, I'll have done at least 15 weeks on bed rest!!

My mental battles with bedrest

I can't believe it's been 5 days since my last post! I admit, I've had a rough couple of days. I've still been doing the work from home thing - but the work has been crazy. It's weird having a hard day at work while you're lying on the couch! Also, I just celebrated the passing of the micro-preemie status. I know this is a little celebrated milestone, but for me who is in fear of having a preemie, I feel better knowing we have a chance of having a preemie with better odds.

Also, it seems that now the baby has really started growing. I just feel like I'm being stretched in all directions.  I don't really ever feel comfortable. If I lie on my back I feel heavy and uncomfortable. If I lie on my side, my baby wakes up - and thumps the side I"m sleeping on. I tend to wake up several times a night. I know they say this is preparation for those sleepless nights with a newborn - but wow - it's already taking its toll on me.

Another thing that's frustrating me is that although as the day passes, my risk factors decrease, I have this unshakeable fear. It's not associated with anything I've been feeling physically. In fact, this pregnancy feels great. My baby moves frequently, I have had no spotting, no cramps, and barely any contractions. Yet, after a second trimester miscarriage, waiting 5 years for a BFP, a harrowing IVF cycle, a failed fresh IVF cycle, finally getting pregnant, my cervix shortening, and now failing a glucose tolerance test... I feel like its delusional to think that this pregnancy will work out without complications. Of course my mom says things will be fine - and just be positive, but it's hard not to remember all of the things that can go wrong. I try not to let my emotions drift too far in that direction, because I think mental stress gets transferred to the baby.

On top of everything I feel lonely. Not lonely in the sense of not being around people. I've been very lucky, friends have come to visit me, my mom spent 6 weeks with me, my husband spends lots of time with me and I have people staying with me when he's not around. But I miss my life. I miss my freedom. I miss the things I used to do. I even miss some simple basic things, like being able to go upstairs whenever I wanted to. I am not afraid that my life will change after this baby comes, but I'm afraid I'll lose myself. I feel like I've been pregnant since July (when I started all the IVF stuff). I will literally go a year having given up my body by the time our baby comes.  I plan to exclusively breastfeed, so I know to some degree I'm still giving up my body for at least 6 months after that.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining as such. I have absolutely no regrets and I would never change my mind about having this baby or future ones - but I have to admit, this whole process has taken quite the mental toll on me. Sorry for the rambling thoughts today... I was having trouble focusing! Must be my pregnant brain!

Another Wasted Saturday - This just Got Old!

Bedrest just ain't all that. Even though mine is modified rest, allowing me to get up and walk to the kitchen and shower daily, sometimes I just get tired of looking at these walls. Eventually you run out of entertaining things to do. I have television, I have video games, I've got PC games, I have a laptop, I have my blog, I have friends who visit, I have my dear husband and my dear mother here - but all I really want is freedom. I feel guilty wanting that freedom because I know staying put will give my baby a chance. I know I've resigned that I'ld stick my legs in the air for 9 months if that's what it took to have this baby - but that is always so much easier said than done!

So here I am at 10 pm at night. I've killed my 5th saturday here at home doing pretty much nothing. I've been subjected to a meteor-themed marathon of movies on the Sci-Fi channel. Now I LOVE a B-movie to pass the time - but 6 hours of movies on meteors.... wow! I think I lost a few IQ points on this today.

Now what about hobbies... well I finished my latest 2 blankets and then I made a green and white pair of baby booties as well.  My DH made a nice bbq today which was nice as well. The highlight of my day, when DH brought home my latest baby purchase from the post office - the crib bedding - woohoo!

I just wonder - with all of the toys, gadgets, media, television, etc - why am I so frustrated?? I am tired of looking at these walls... I'm tired of camping on the couch. I'm tired of lying down. I'm tired of having people carry things for me and always telling me to just sit down. I just long for a time where I can go and do whatever I want. What will I do when I get free...... when I'm healthy I'm going to go for a nice run. Then I'm going to drink a mean margarita that night. I have this funny feeling with the exclusive breastfeeding I plan to do..... that is going to be quite some time from now.

I have 11 more weeks of this. Possibly as many as 14 more weeks of this. I just don't even know what I need to make this right. I just know that although this feels necessary - it doesn't feel good.

I'm just an infertile turkey stitched shut

So 16 days into bedrest and it's just me and my thoughts! My cerclage seems to be holding just nicely. I feel like a turkey. Well - I mean - I have a cerclage. It's holding my cervix shut for now. I'm doing my part - resting every single day to make sure I don't aggravate it. However, with my cervix shortened right down to the stitches, I really do feel like the cerclage really is the only thing holding this baby in. I've been quoted to say things like - I'll sit with my legs in the air for 6 months if I have to - to bring this baby into the world. So much easier said than done. Yet if I have to do it - I'll do it.

The hidden stressor with all of this - especially with bedrest is that you simply can't relax ever. Every twinge, every low baby kick, every bit of discharge - just scares me. I don't know if that's the twinge that signifies if something's wrong. Worse yet - if it is the twinge and I ignore it - will it be the one sign that something was wrong - that I ignored - and therefore didn't get medical help in time? I don't want to be THAT woman who is always in the Labor and Delivery Ward for monitoring at the hospital because she has symptoms that medical science will prove weren't really the case. Also, will my doctor's take me as serious if I'm always calling with false claims? It's oh so strange - what to do what to do.

I decided that I'd wait for an undeniable symptom. A serious cramp that won't go away....a gush of fluid... some yellow discharge (what happened with my last pregnancy / miscarriage).... or some spotting. Other than that... I'll just lie here and assess how things are going. My only consolation is that I see my doctors often with roughly 8 appointments with a medical practitioner per month. If that's not close monitoring - I don't know what is. Of course 4 of those are just with nurses, but at least I can ask them questions if I feel strange.

So all that's left is to sit here and contemplate that my stitches need to hold until this baby is fully cooked! It amuses me to think of what my battle to have a baby has reduced me to!

Day 12 of bedrest - just me and my thoughts

Honestly, I'm doing better on bedrest than I expected. Of course it's still modified bedrest - but I try to spend as much of it horizontal as possible. It's kind of weird that I haven't left the house except to go to the hospital for my doctor appointments and 17p injections. I'm feeling the baby kicks more and more every day. We're getting so close to viability - I'm starting to get excited :) I can't wait to start shopping for a crib and buying the baby bedding. The baby does kick on a fairly regular basis - so that's comforting. I'm pretty much ready to pack away the doppler.

On a sadder note, one of my pregnancy buddies on one of the forums I'm on just lost her baby at 19 weeks :( It was a painful reminder of how fragile pregnancies really are. At the second trimester, you've sort of gotten over that hump and you expect everything to be ok. My heart really goes out to her, as she's had multiple losses. Every now and then if I go more than a few hours feeling the baby ... I start getting antsy. I've managed to resist the urge to poke my belly to wake the baby up! i've had luck shifting to my side to get the little one to move.

So not too much to say today except, I'm still hanging in there living on my couch - and taking "trips" to the back yard! For now... this cyster lives to fight PCOS another day!

Day 10 of bedrest - 12 days to viability - what to do!

Contrary to popular belief, bed rest gets really old at about day 3! I feel like an invalid. I'm still allowed to go up and down the stairs once a day but that's pretty much it. I only leave the house for doctor's appointments. I can't help but think... I miss my life! I miss being able to swing by the grocery store and get what I want. I miss being able to stop by my favorite restaurants and get something to munch. I really have no idea how people handle incarceration.

I've noticed that my weight is starting to slide backwards. I anticipate that I'll lose weight with this bedrest - even though I eat and am immobile! If everything holds stable... in 12 days I can stop talking about miscarriage fears and start talking about how long I can keep this baby cooking to avoid having a preemie. It's going to be really strange to talk about when this baby comes as opposed to "if" this baby comes! I'm also counting down to when I can start buying nursery stuff. I feel so giddy - I've been staring at a list of products on amazon that I'm just dying to buy!! I know the crib, stroller, co-sleeper, nursery decor, etc. Just can't wait to be able to buy it!

Keeping busy - The plan for day 6 of bed rest

I'm so grateful for the opportunity to still work from home while on bed rest. It helps me keep my mind off of the clock. I also looked at my pile of crocheted stuff - there are 5 blankets and a purse LOL.  Clearly I've been a crocheting mad woman!!! So this is sort of what my day looks like :

1. Wake up and shower
2. Eat breakfast
3. 1 morning conference call
4. Type up a few documents 
5. Watch an episode of cheaters
6. Eat a snack
7. Take a second conference call 
8. Watch an episode of First 48
9. Eat a snack 
10. Take a 3rd conference call
11. Draft a workplan
12. Draft some emails 
13. Post on my forums
14. Crochet for half an hour
15. Get on Blogger and post something else :)

Wow... my life has dwindled to pretty much what I can do on the couch or within arms reach. I should add that there are about 7 bathroom trips in the middle of all of that too. I'm also on another forum - www.keepemcookin.com . I get tweets from them about interesting things to check online. Right now www.bored.com has made it on my bedrest survival kit!

Day 5 of bed rest

Well it's roughly 6 pm - so I guess I can almost count today as over. It's actually been a pretty decent day. My mom's here to keep me company - so that's helping - because I have someone to talk to all day long. Not that my cell phone isn't ringing off the hook since I'm working from home.

Today the baby has been kicking me. Yesterday she was kicking so low that I found myself googling "baby kicking low" and "cerclage failure" for an hour. I haven't been on bed rest long enough to have lost my mind, however, I am definitely beginning to feel the start of cabin fever. For example, I haven't been outside in 5 days. I look out the window  - but it's been too chilly to go out. Even if I did go out - I can't really go much further than the yard. I did find some cool bedrest t-shirts on www.cafepress.com - 4 reasons prison is better than bed rest :

1. daily showers
2. conjugal visits
3. An hour of exercise
4. An hour outside every day 

If 10 weeks from now - I'm still on bed rest and I haven't lost my sanity - I'm definitely buying that t-shirt. I've also been working on keeping busy. I've got more than enough gadgets and television and I can even crochet. I have knitting needles - but after 30 minutes of trying to copy a youtube how-to video on how to knit - I've pretty much discovered that it isn't for me! From time to time I'll post some links to things that have really helped me out. My first item is the most awesome tray that my husband bought for me : 

I'm absolutely loving it. It has 3 joints so it can configure to any height you need. Well that's enough rambling for one day...I'm going to count today as a win in the bedrest battle!