How dare the FDA terrify us over this 17p mess

I'll be the first person to admit - I'm not the activist type. In fact, I wouldn't even care about 17p shots if I wasn't affected by them. I didn't realize (until I was pregnant and with a cervix shortening after a preventative cerclage) that the 17p shot was even so critical until it was prescribed for me. The gist of the story - the FDA grants a pharmaceutical company (Makena) exclusive rights to this shot. So why would this matter? The price of the (weekly) shot would go up from $10-$20 to up to $1500 a shot. This simple little shot is what stands between many pre-term-labor-risk women and pregnancy loss. So how could this happen? How could March of Dimes support this? What was everyone thinking???

The pharmacies that used to produce it were supposedly told to stop producing it. Women went and refilled as much of their prescriptions, and tons of pregnant women braced for the worst. There was some poorly explained patient support program that would provide affordable versions of the medication for people. Despite all the anger - you have to ask yourself - what is the FDA thinking?? This isn't some elective drug to treat a non-critical condition.... like that short-eyelashes condition. This is a matter of life or death.

Anyway - the fuss went on for a few weeks, then I find this article: http://www.freep.com/article/20110331/NEWS06/103310424/FDA-allows-cheaper-version-pregnancy-drug-continue . And there are tons of other articles citing this. What's this... the FDA says..umm oops .. yeah  you cheaper pharmacies... you can still make 17p shots for cheap. So what was the point of this whole circus? Why did we all have to get ourselves wound up over fears of being unable to save our pregnancies. Why are you even giving a company exclusive rights if other people are still allowed to make the drug. Was there any point to this at all?

I'm happy that in a nutshell - nothing has changed - I can still get my drugs - but a TON of energy has been wasted on this cluster! I have to wonder if this was someone's sick idea of a joke - to terrorize pregnant women into thinking they may not be able to afford to save their pregnancies....

ok rant over!

Could I be having a normal high-risk pregnancy day?

It feels so strange... there's nothing particularly wrong! I don't want to jinx it or anything - but I'm feeling good. I got another 17p shot today. Despite the fact that the needle looks like a horse needle LOL... it doesn't hurt at all. The nurses who give it are good too - so there's no pain at all. I'm excited because my first shipment of baby stuff arrives today. I mean.... the NESTING BEGINS!! Of course while I was at the doctor I missed the delivery, so DH will have to go to the post office to pick it up - but other than that - I'm a happy camper. Sorry for the skimpy post today ... but hey - no news is good news!

The many milestones of my pregnancy

Breaking my pregnancy down into palatable chunks has been a big part of making this pregnancy wait more bearable. Clearly I'm in the mood for lists lately!There is so much time that we spend in anticipation, it feels good to cross those milestones. Here have been my milestones - and the ones to come :

Ones I've crossed:

The 2WW

This is the dreaded 2 week wait. It's the 2 weeks after conception where you can check if you are pregnant. Of course if you've done a fertility treatment - this has that much more meaning!

The first heartbeat ~ 6 weeks

So now you're pregnant. If you're seeing a specialist , you might have seen an ultrasound of a cute little yolk sac. The next thing is making sure that you see a heartbeat. This normally happens around 6 - 7 weeks or so. Once you have a heartbeat, your baby has a much higher chance to make it.

The first trimester ~ 12 weeks

This is often the point of exhaling for many of us. After the first trimester, the risk of miscarriage drops significantly. This was huge for me!

Getting my cerclage in ~12-13 weeks

Since I've got incompetent cervix - I of course have had anxiety about somehow my cervix failing me before I was able to secure everything with a stitch. I was so relieved to get the stitch in and to know my cervix had some reinforcement.

20 weeks - the gestational point of my last miscarriage

This is the point at which I lost my first pregnancy. I knew I wouldn't exhale until I crossed the 20 week mark  and had my first bit of proof that I would get further along this time.

24 weeks - Viability 

I really hate this milestone. It's a great one but it's so morbid. It's the point after which the doctors will try to save your baby if they are born too early. Crossing this moves us into the territory of thinking about "when" we have this baby - as opposed to "if" we have this baby.

Ones to come: 

26 weeks - crossing the micro-preemie threshold

A micro preemie is a baby born weighing less than 1 pound, 12 ounces (800 grams) or before 26 weeks gestation. Over 90 % of babies born beyond this date survive (source) .So there's some comfort in that.

28 weeks - 7 months preggers and lower risk of major complications
This one isn't such a hard milestone - but babies born after 28 weeks generally have a 90-95% survival rate and a lower risk of long-term complications.

36 weeks - removal of my cerclage
Once I get here - I'm pretty much golden! The docs will be happy with me going into labor at any point after this :)

10 indignities of pregnancy

So I rarely do a rant piece ... and I have to admit this was inspired by a bit of TMI that I even hesitated as to whether I should post. Now here's my disclaimer - I'm not the least bit sorry that I'm pregnant. Despite all of the things I've had to endure - I wouldn't trade it for the world. I just think that when we talk about pregnancy - we never really talk about all the gross stuff we have to go through. So here's my post dedicated to the indignities of pregnancy :)

#1 - You will be poked with needles constantly

Yep - we get screened for everything. It sort of feels like every appointment related to my pregnancy involves me giving a blood sample for one reason or another. If you're squeamish over needles.. pregnancy will cure you of that.

#2 - Trying to pee in a cup just ain't that easy 

 I don't know about you - but I hate peeing in a cup. There's the whole balancing act of trying to catch a clean stream of urine into a cup. Then you have to make sure you seal it, don't spill any on the outside, and try to hand the nurse a cup of pee that doesn't look like it's been sprayed with pee!

#3 - Your significant other won't be the only person to stick a finger up there!

This one just sucks too - but if you've ever had your cervix checked.... you know the drill.  There's nothing like lying there as the obgyn rams two fingers into your nether regions, with a nurse making mindless conversation with you - and your significant other standing mortified in the corner. Oh the joys!

#5 - Your significant other won't be the only person to get a handful of your boobs

Yep - your obgyn will probably be giving you a breast exam before all is said and done!

#6 - Hemorrhoids

I'm sorry - but there's just something incredibly demoralizing and irritating about swollen bits of flesh on your back end that itch, ache if you sit on them, and make you not ever want to go #2!

#7  - Discharge

Your nether regions will simply produce lots of extra goo for the duration of your pregnancy. Say goodbye to having dry panties or say hello to 9 months of pads... whichever you prefer!

#8  - Bowing to the porcelain God

For whatever reason, somewhere along the way - your GI system will decide not to play nice. If it's not nausea, dry heaves, it's the runs or constipation. Either way - the bathroom will be your new local hangout!

#9 - Having random objects shoved up your nether regions

Be it speculums, transvaginal ultrasounds, or cervical checks... you will have things inserted in there. And you will get used to having lots of ultrasound gel / KY jelly type substances put in there.

#10 - Having to get injections in the butt

I haven't had so many shots in the butt since I was a kid. Should you find yourself getting progesterone shots or steroids, prepare to bend over and take a needle in the back side

This is all part of the pregnancy package :)

My second trimester pregnancy loss (at 20 weeks) Part 3 - The Recovery Process

There's no doubt that miscarriage is hard. Second and third trimester miscarriages are considered even harder because of how close you came to having a baby. It's also because you have to deliver. You may or may not hear your baby cry. It's sort of unfair to get so close to seeing that new life - only to see it extinguished. I'll pick up my story from the previous post - where I pretty much got over my 2 week crying fit over my loss.

Note : Part 2 of this story is here : http://pcosflowerchica.blogspot.com/2011/03/my-second-trimester-pregnancy-loss-at_25.html

Part 1 is Here : http://pcosflowerchica.blogspot.com/2011/03/my-second-trimester-pregnancy-loss-at.html

Now I'm a very determined person. I can pretty much handle setbacks well - but I was ill-prepared for the emotional turmoil that would come with losing our baby. I pretty much let myself weep for 2 weeks and then I decided enough is enough. The first thing I did was make sure that my life would have a manageable stress load. I was working and in college at the same time.

My immediate actions to get my mind right: 

I should say - before I started figuring out what I had to do to normalize my life... I took a non traditional approach to the miscarriage when it happened. I refused any hospital counseling and really didn't want to go down that road.

First - at the hospital - I refused to hold my baby that had passed away. The nurses put the baby in the incubator for me - and I walked over once and looked at her for 2 seconds and that was enough. I know they keep them in an incubator so they can still feel alive - but that just seemed wrong to me.

Secondly - I refused to name her. I did not want to humanize my baby and create a relationship in my head that never really existed. I didn't want to let my thoughts flow towards the times we would have had together. I wanted to accept that she was the baby that would never have been.

Third - I didn't name her.

Fourth - I didn't have a funeral or attend any services for her. I said my goodbye in the hospital and that was that.

Fifth - I don't celebrate the date that she passed and I refuse to make an anniversary of it. I don't believe in intentionally dragging up a painful memory over and over. I'll never forget her and what we went through but I don't need the anxiety leading up to the anniversary and then the emotional ride afterwards.

Sixth - I packed away everything related to her - ultrasounds etc. There would be no reason for me to keep having reminders of the painful memories.

That's pretty much what I did to make sure I had a proper solid goodbye in my mind. It hurt - but I knew it would be for the better.

The next thing would be to make sure my life functioned in some normal way: 


Step 1 - I decided to withdraw from all of my classes that semester. I would pick up where I left off in the next semester. I didn't want to go through the rest of the semester battling my emotions while trying to struggle through my courses.

Step 2 - My job was on campus so it wasn't hard. So I decided to keep that. That would give me a routine and force me to get up and be productive on a daily basis.

Step 3 - I also decided to get back into my workout routine. Funny enough, my obsessive exercise regiment was the reason that I managed to get pregnant in the first place. I guess I had so much exercise that my ovaries were jolted into giving me a few good eggs! So I re-engaged my running partner - and we went back to hitting the trails! The running was awesome. There's a sort of escape from your emotions when you run. Especially with us running out in the woods, I could simply get lost in the good feelings of my legs pumping away, my heart beating strongly, breathing deeply and slowly and just smelling the earth. The second plus is that the endorphins are an awesome legal high that you don't have to feel guilty about. So I ran maybe 3 days a week. I also got back into the gym.

Step 4 - Re-entering my social circle. Now it's very easy to want to withdraw from social settings when you have a loss like this. Of course everyone I met wanted to say something nice to acknowledge what I was going through. Some would dismiss the loss to say - it will work next time. Some wanted to ask what it was like. Some just wanted to acknowledge the pink elephant in the room without being tactless. It was difficult for all of us - so I decided not to make it a taboo topic. It wasn't off-limits topic with me and I did indulge anyone who wanted to know what happened. Honestly - talking about it sort of made it more bearable. It because this thing I went through but not some deep dark secret that I bore alone. It also allowed me to talk about it and to embrace it as just a part of my life. Several months of that and I began to realize that it wasn't having as much of a hold over me.


Step 5 - I went home . I traveled back to stay with my parents and family for a period of time to get a bit of an escape from everything that reminded me about the miscarriage. That helped a lot to give me a "break" from everything.

Now I still had moments of melancholy. There were still the sporadic bouts of tears when I was alone or with my husband. But I got to a point where I could go to baby showers without feeling bitter. I could watch TV shows about babies without lamenting. And I got over that hollow feeling in my womb. I don't believe that I was mentally ready to go back to work, re-enter my social circle, and start living my life again - but I decided to do it anyway. My attitude is that sometimes the body must go on while the mind takes its time to catch up. What I didn't want was to come out of my mini-depression and find that I've lost my job, I've gained a ton of weight, I've flunked my classes oh and yea ... still don't have a baby! I didn't want to allow the emotional component to become a destructive factor in our marriage. It wasn't easy - but it was for the better because this way - the stressors from the pregnancy loss didn't spill over into the rest of my life and I was able to return to some resemblance of a normal life - even though we were dealing with this tragedy.

It took probably a year before I "came right". And even now - there are still the memories and fears from that miscarriage that ride with me through this pregnancy. It's the reason I'll never really fully relax until I hold this baby in my arms for the first time. I'm ok with that - and have accepted that - but I refuse to be crippled by the memories of our first lost baby. I refuse to let it destroy the joyful opportunities in future pregnancies.

Overcome by the urge to nest

It's so weird, I've been scared to start nesting. I mean I've felt the urge to, but I kept telling myself - how will I cope if I start nesting and then this baby doesn't make it? But there's the other side of this - if I don't nest, and I don't partake in the planning activities for this baby, I will seriously regret missing the opportunity to do so. I'm already on bed rest - so there won't be those fun trips to stores to feel baby bedding, look at cribs in person, and coo over baby clothes on racks.

So I made a decision, I'm going to nest anyway. Screw it . If this baby doesn't make it - oh well - but I want to have some positive memories from this pregnancy. I'm positive about everything, but it's hard to stay engaged when you have this looming cloud of fear. I also want to have a nursery that reflects the love and care that we have for this new life we're bringing into this world. I don't want it to be some thing that we just rushed and threw together because now she's here.

Part of what motivated me was that - I picked my nursery decor out. And I've had it in my registry for 2 months now. And then I saw it starting to sell out on Amazon. I wanted to buy it - but my DH wants to wait. But what if I wait and it sells out? This is the one I want and what if it's not available when I want it? Finally I broke down after a week of contemplation and bought one of the 2 last sets available. Rational? probably not ... but I'm pregnant - who said I needed to be rational! I do feel a sense of relief that I at least have the bedding, hamper, diaper rack, changing pad covers and crib sheets sorted out. Now it's just a matter of waiting. When I get closer to 28 weeks - I'll probably feel a strong urge to grab the rest of the stuff we want. I'm still debating with DH - because I want to get the crib now. Cribs manufacturers are notorious for sending cribs that are scratched, dented, missing parts etc - and I want that to be sorted out.

Anyway - this is just a pregnant woman's morning rant :)

My second trimester pregnancy loss (at 20 weeks) Part 2 the D&C

So as I'm sitting here at 24 weeks and 1 day, trying to discern if the mild ache I just felt was normal or something more significant, I figure it's probably time for me to write the second part of my miscarriage story. If your'e looking for part 1 - it's here : http://pcosflowerchica.blogspot.com/2011/03/my-second-trimester-pregnancy-loss-at.html

So to catch you up, I've already miscarried, delivered in the hospital, and now I've been released. My delivery went ok. I even delivered what seemed to be the entire placenta with no problems. I was given that awesome ice-pack filled panty in the delivery room. I know it's a strange thing but with all the discomfort that you go through with a delivery - it simply felt amazing! Anyway, I was released and I went home. I was given a list of symptoms to watch out for.

The very next day, I noticed that I was passing chunks of tissue. It was sort of like a heavy period.  I thought this was strange because I was supposed to be experiencing spotting, maybe some light bleeding. I let the day progress, and the chunks were still coming! So I figured something was wrong. I called the doctor, and they said I should come in. The obgyn on staff did an examination and I kid you not, pulled out some friggin foreceps. She then proceeded to attempt to pull the chunks of tissue out of me!! Right there in the examination room. Now I have a fairly high tolerance for pain - but this was absolutely unbearable! I was damn near in tears. I finally had to tell her that this was not going to work. I was squirming and wincing in pain. She finally stopped and stepped out of the room. When she returned, she said... ummm.... we've scheduled a surgery for you - a D&C - you need to have your uterine lining scraped. We can't do it here.

Oh really? No kidding? What the hell gave you that idea? The fact that you were trying to pull chunks of tissue out of me with foreceps and no anesthesia? And you had to go to med school to know that was a bad idea??? OK I didn't say all of that - but I'm pretty sure the expression on my face said that!

So I hobbled out of that office made my arrangements to have my D&C and I think the next day I was scheduled for a D&C to be performed by my primary obgyn. Now surgeries are always strange things. The meds are weird, you feel loopy, etc.

I got to the pre-op, met the anesthesiologist and my obgyn came to talk to me. He talked about the percentages for success, risks of poking my uterus , etc. Great - just want I want to be thinking about before I go under! They started to bring me down with sedatives and everything went fine. They rolled me into the operating room and transferred me to the operating table. I would be having full anesthesia for this procedure. I remember distinctly that my obgyn / surgeon wouldn't look me in the eye while I was on the table. I didn't know if that was part of his ritual - but I thought it was really creepy LOL. The anesthesiologist told me that she was going to put something in my IV to put me to sleep. She said it would be quick. I sort of looked up to my left and saw her drawing some Fentanyl into a needle. She put it in my IV and instantly I had an itching burning sensation that ran through my body. I tried to tell her that "it itches" but by the time I finished that sentence, I woke up in the recovery room. Now I expected to drift off to sleep - but I literally just shut off.

That was definitely strange. I remember my obgyn coming by and the anesthesiologist telling me everything went ok. I remember my dear husband by my bed telling me - welcome back ! I spent a few more hours in recovery and when I was able to walk - we did the bathroom test. For those of you who have never had an outpatient surgery - the general rule is that if you can piss - you can go home. So I was walked over to the bathroom and I sat on the toilet and spent about 15 minutes taking a pathetic pee. I managed to do so - so they helped me get dressed and I was released. I don't know if I subscribe to that rule - because you're so friggin out of it - that although you can pee - they still wheel you out of there in a wheelchair!

Anyway, the surgery was a success. I had mild spotting for a few days and my bleeding disappeared. They also put me on Percocets. Percocets are my happy pill. I prefer them to other pain killers. They don't give me any of the nausea, light headedness or discomfort like I get from Vicodin. I also understand why there are never refills on them. They literally make all your pain go away and you simply feel happy. Just 6 hours after my surgery I was at home, smiling away, with no signs that I'd lost my baby. No wonder people get hooked on prescription pain killers. All that good feeling and no side effects!

When the pain killers wore off and I decided to stop taking them - I was hit with a wave of grief. I hadn't cried much through my miscarriage. In fact, I think at that point I only cried once when my water broke and I realized our baby wasn't going to make it. And it was just on a phone call to my husband who was getting food at the cafeteria. I simply said - I need you ... she isn't going to make it. I didn't cry during delivering the baby. I didn't cry when she died. I didn't cry when she was laying in that incubator. I sort of went into a state of shock and I got fixated on making sure that I was coherent enough to deal with the medical things that were going on.

So now I was home, not pregnant any more, no baby in sight, and I'll never forget - I went upstairs to my bedroom and simply collapsed in the floor in grief. I cried in a way I've never cried before. I cried for my loss, I cried for my baby and thinking how I'd failed her, and I cried for the pain I had just endured. My husband just held me and let me cry my little heart out. I was sporadically weepish for about 2 weeks and then I woke up and said enough was enough.

I put together a plan to make sure that this tragedy didn't spill over into the rest of my life and completely derail me. So I guess that's another post for another day :) I'll follow up with what I did to recover and make sure that this miscarriage wasn't going to be the thing that ruined my life.

Viability - I officially have a viable half-baked baby!

Yes - I've crossed the threshold. I've crossed that invisible line in the sand. In fact I should say "we" crossed that invisible line in the sand. Not just the baby and I , but the baby, my dear husband and I have crossed this line. It's been so long, since the first IVF cycle....since the first time I took clomid 4 years ago... since I realized my ovaries had a mind of their own and weren't with the program. We've crossed that line in the sand that basically gives our baby a chance. 

It's so weird.... the crossing was uneventful. Maybe that's why I couldn't sleep tonight.... I was waiting to watch it become real. It's like crossing this line has opened a whole new set of doors for me. I can start crib shopping. I can start nursery shopping. I can start the nesting process! I can give this baby a name. I can risk getting attached to this little one.

It's been a serious emotional challenge balancing the desire to revel in hope for what's coming while keeping a keen eye on the realities of being a high-risk pregnancy with such a colorful medical history. If you tell people that you're keenly aware of what could go wrong - they say you're negative. If you let yourself daydream in what's coming, you feel like you're somehow letting go of reality. Where's the balance?

If I get my way - I'll bake this baby until 40 weeks. I'm going to be on bedrest for at least 12 more weeks. That's when the cerclage comes out. However, I will be only 36 weeks and I'm going to try to continue bedrest until the end. I want to give this little one every chance I can to be as healthy as possible. I'm just so grateful to have come this far - and I can't wait to see how far we can take it.

Two bandaids on my butt and a smile on my face!

Needless to say, my doctor's appointment went great. Well as good as can be for a woman in my condition. My cervix is holding strong at 2 cm. No sign of change so it means that the bedrest is working. Our little baby girl will slide into 24 weeks with no problems. She's changed position, from her head down position into a sort of transverse almost breech position. Her feet are bottom right and head is top and left! I saw her ribs today! That was just amazing!

Before I forget - so what's the deal with the bandaids on my butt? I got two shots today. My weekly 17p shot and a corticosteroid shot - Celestone (aka Betamethasone). Just for reference, the steroids are to help her lungs, brain and intestine grow faster in case of pre-term labor. The 17p shots are actually painless but the Celestone actually stung quite a bit. It had quite a burn to it. So I left there with a bandaid on each butt cheek. But I could care less about the inconvenience... my little baby is still inside of me alive and kicking - and my cerclage is still holding up.

1 day to viability!!

My baby has been measuring ahead all along  - so I'm sure her ultrasound size says more than 24 weeks flat. However... tomorrow I officially hit 24 weeks gestational age. I'm so close to that line - I can taste it. I'm so tempted to try and sleep the second half of the day off just to make it go faster :) I'm headed to the hospital for my doc appointment in a few hours. That's always relieving and anxiety filled all at once. I woke up this morning and I'm just lying here waiting for the baby to wake up. How silly is that? Today of all days I need her to be kicking up her usual storm...c'mon - give me a sign little one!!! Other than that - I'm ok - nervous but ok. I'm also due for another 17p shot after the doc appt. Funny thing - they don't hurt - but the size of the needle can make you faint. It seriously looks like a needle you'd use on a cow or a horse!  OK enough of the crazy pregnant woman speak..... let me get the day started!

Fresh cervix measurement tomorrow - excited and nervous

Tomorrow I head back to the perinatologist for another cervix measurement. I'm excited that I'll get to see my little one again. Even more so - she should be technically measuring more than 24 weeks flat tomorrow since she's always measured ahead. I'm hoping that my cervix is still nicely closed and at most - holding at 2cm. I won't be greedy and ask for it to be longer, but I'd be really happy if my cervix got a little bit longer. At this point - every millimeter counts. We get to discuss when we will be doing steroid treatments as well. I know they say Google is a pregnant woman's nemesis - but I've been googling steroid protocols so that I have an idea of what the process entails. So continues the baby baking!

2 days to Viability!

There's sort of a bittersweet taste in my mouth as I think of the countdown to viability. I'm absolutely thrilled that I'm almost there.... but the concept of viability is such a sour one. It's the point at which the doctors will try to save my baby if she's born too early. Isn't that such a horrible thought? This concept never meant much to me until I lost my baby at 20 weeks. I was just a few weeks from viability. A few weeks from her having a chance. That sounds so wrong - but the reality is - what kind of chance could she have being half baked at 20 weeks? Was my desire to have her really masking a painful reality - she would have had a lifetime of painful medical issues, developmental problems, and possibly died a long painful death if they tried to save her. It's only instinctive to want to cling to life no matter what - but I think the right thing to do was not not try and save her.

So here I sit - 48 hours from that line. Yes we've got modern science to a point where we literally have drawn a line in the sand between life and death for babies. I'm absolutely thrilled. It's the point where I can start calling our baby by her name - because in my mind - she's a baby now  - she can make it - she just needs to keep cooking! Despite all the challenges of getting pregnant - she's more than halfway here - and chances are getting better every day that she'll be born healthy. I can stop talking about if she makes it - and I can start planning for how to prevent her from being a preemie and giving her the best possible chance in life.  Better yet - I can begin the ritual of planning what to buy for this new baby. We can get a crib and pretty nursery stuff. I'll probably wait till closer to 30 weeks to do this stuff - but then again - with incompetent cervix.... maybe I shouldn't wait in case she comes early or in case I get hospitalized. Wow.... so much to deal with! Anyway - I'm thrilled that I'm brushing up against my first major milestone with this baby. We've still got a long road to go - but it's looking good from here.

Did I just pee on a stick at 6 months pregnant?

I guess I shouldn't quite title this as a question. The reality is that - YES - I did pee on a pregnancy test at 23 weeks and 4 days pregnant. I've been toying with the idea for days. I mean, I spent so many years not being pregnant, hoping I might get pregnant, wishing to have a chance to get pregnant, I thought - don't I deserve the chance to make up for all those BFNs. Although in my case I don't even consider them BFNs... they are more like "not a chance in hell - so there's no point in spending money on pregnancy test BFNs!"

For those who have not had the pleasure of enduring a cycle where you are desperate for a BFP, waiting to see that second line is incredibly stressful. When I finally got my BFP, I like many of us, tested way too early. As a result, my BFP was so faint I wasn't sure it was there. That drove me even more nuts. I thought that was a line. I held it up to the light. It kind of looked like a line. In fact the more I stared at it, the more I was sure it was a line. But then again, maybe I stared at it so hard that I willed the line to appear and it's all in my head. Oh noo.... now I don't know if I got a BFP. What do I do with that??? Well I went out and bought 10 more pregnancy tests. Over the next 3 days I tested twice a day using more than 1 brand of test. The results were even worse. The FRER tests gave me a BFN - OH NO! The EPT gave me a BFP - Yay? Maybe? But why was the BFP not on both tests? Does this mean that it's a chemical pregnancy? Are my hormone levels too low? Now I found myself comparing the darkness of the line from one brand  to another. In fact, not only did I compare it from one brand to another but I also went and compared the morning darkness of the line to the evening urine test. THen to make matters worse, now I wanted to know if the lines would keep getting darker. If they were the same - what did that mean? Did it mean my hormones weren't getting stronger? What does all of this mean??? Aargh! Finally I said screw it - I sprung for one of those digital tests - and I peed on a stick again and it said Pregnant. Then it hit me - I might just have a BFP. I might just be pregnant.... We might have actually pulled this miracle off!

So fast forward 5 months later (since I was almost 4 weeks pregnant then), I've gotten over the anxiety of the ultrasounds and holding my breath while we look for the heartbeat, I got over the fear of not making it to the second trimester,  I got over the fear of the NT / Trisomy 18 etc tests, and I got over the getting a cerclage anxiety. Now I'm just 3 days from viability and I just want something to tell me I'm really pregnant. Yes I can feel this baby moving inside of me - and she's kicked up a storm today as if she knew what I needed to feel better about all of this. So I whipped out one of my many pregnancy tests at home... and I peed on a stick. I wanted to see that dark line. And the test did not disappoint. It was the darkest line I've ever seen on a pregnancy test before. And it just said - you know what - you really are pregnant.

So am I a little nutty? Absolutely! But do I feel better after peeing on the stick - Absolutely :) I consider it cheap reassurance.

A pregnant infertile morning ritual

I realize that I've got sort of a routine. It's this thing I do every day when I start my day. The first is that the baby kicks around 5 am. Well almost every morning. Sometimes she doesn't so I just sit there and "will" her to give me a movement or kick or two. If not, I'll roll onto my left and stroke my belly. If that works, OK - I've confirmed the baby's still there! Phew! Then I take a deep sip of the water I keep by the bed. I slowly roll out of bed, waddle to the bathroom and head back to bed. I spend the next hour or two turning here and there just giddy about feeling the baby move.  It's such a shame that my infertility mission has left me always seeking some kind of confirmation that things are ok. I'm grateful that this baby has been more than willing to accomodate me and give me kicks / movements on a regular basis. I'm 4 days away from viability and I just can't wait!!

The cerclage surgical procedure - details!

If you've never had a cerclage - all I can say is there's nothing "minor" about it. I think when I miscarried - I was such an emotional wreck that I forgot how hectic it was. I got to the hospital, checked in and they started me on IVs. I remember now how much I hate IVs. They wanted at least a liter in me before we started. It totally chills the whole side of my body. The doc was able to get the epidural in easily - but those medications burn before they take effect. Also - when you're sitting there - back curved, not wanting to move because you don't want to mess up the doctor's aim - your mind is racing. Please don't let this man miss his aim and end up paralyzing me! My dear husband was there and offered a hand for me to squeeze and to help me breathe through the pains. I squeezed the life out of his hand. When they finally got it in, I was able to lie back down and they started numbing me. The numbing went fine.


When I was pretty numbed up, they moved me into the operating room. It always feels weird to lie there with your arms crossed as 3 people haul you onto an operating table. They strapped my arms down, put a big sheet to block me from seeing anything and put my legs in a crazy harness. I wish I had a diagram to show what it looks like - but basically, my ankles were in a harness and I was lifted in the air from the hips down. Way to feel exposed!!!! The anesthesiologist's assistant gave me some oxygen with something in it to help me calm down. He also put some drug - Propyphyl in my IV. OMG - it burned like a fire. You know when they ask you how bad your pain was on a scale of 1 - 10. It was a friggin 15. It burned like fire and my arm ached and felt like someone was trying to pull it off. I started yelping and moaning and the guy put an antidote in my IV. Ugh!!!!! After that, I started getting loopy. I was aware, but I was babbling constantly during the procedure. I was talking about the weather, pain tolerance, favorite foods, music I like, etc. It was nuts. Then they told me I was done. The wheeled me back and I went into the recovery room. It took about 3 hours for my recovery. My legs were still wobbly - and I got another 3 IV bags to help me go to the bathroom. I finally tried to go to the bathroom and I sat there for five minutes and out came a trickle. Two minutes later another pitiful trickle. That went on for another 15 minutes but I was able to empty my bladder. After that - they helped me get dressed, took out my IV and helped me get dressed.


I was discharged and halfway through the drive home with my dear husband- the pain started. OMG it felt like bad contractions! So that's what the epidural was saving me from! When we got home, I ate, and took the meds (Indocin) the doc gave me. It's basically a drug to stop cramps and prevent / stop me from going into labor. I thought i'd have 2 - 3 days of bed rest. The doctor decided to put me on 7 days bed rest and I'll be reassessed in a week. Wow.... So they put me on modified bed rest for a few weeks. No walking, no stairs, no driving, no leaving the house, and I couldn't stand up for more than 20 minutes at a time. I could take short showers, but since my shower was upstairs... it was reduced to a big bowl of hot water and soap for a while Wow..... I wondered if I could do this for months!

All in all I lived to tell the story - I thought I'd go ahead and fully describe the experience for anyone who has never gone through a cerclage - just to give some perspective. They will keep it in until 36 weeks as long as we can keep pre-term labor away that long.

I'm just an infertile turkey stitched shut

So 16 days into bedrest and it's just me and my thoughts! My cerclage seems to be holding just nicely. I feel like a turkey. Well - I mean - I have a cerclage. It's holding my cervix shut for now. I'm doing my part - resting every single day to make sure I don't aggravate it. However, with my cervix shortened right down to the stitches, I really do feel like the cerclage really is the only thing holding this baby in. I've been quoted to say things like - I'll sit with my legs in the air for 6 months if I have to - to bring this baby into the world. So much easier said than done. Yet if I have to do it - I'll do it.

The hidden stressor with all of this - especially with bedrest is that you simply can't relax ever. Every twinge, every low baby kick, every bit of discharge - just scares me. I don't know if that's the twinge that signifies if something's wrong. Worse yet - if it is the twinge and I ignore it - will it be the one sign that something was wrong - that I ignored - and therefore didn't get medical help in time? I don't want to be THAT woman who is always in the Labor and Delivery Ward for monitoring at the hospital because she has symptoms that medical science will prove weren't really the case. Also, will my doctor's take me as serious if I'm always calling with false claims? It's oh so strange - what to do what to do.

I decided that I'd wait for an undeniable symptom. A serious cramp that won't go away....a gush of fluid... some yellow discharge (what happened with my last pregnancy / miscarriage).... or some spotting. Other than that... I'll just lie here and assess how things are going. My only consolation is that I see my doctors often with roughly 8 appointments with a medical practitioner per month. If that's not close monitoring - I don't know what is. Of course 4 of those are just with nurses, but at least I can ask them questions if I feel strange.

So all that's left is to sit here and contemplate that my stitches need to hold until this baby is fully cooked! It amuses me to think of what my battle to have a baby has reduced me to!

The realities of infertility

I'm not a terribly emotional person. This is probably why I've been able to get through this TTC Battle without losing my mind - or at least needing a therapist. I want to credit The Runny Yolk Blog for posting this video.  It really does summarize the infertility experience - albeit in a tear jerking format. Infertility is accepting that you are taking on a fight you can't win on your own. Accepting that it's going to cost a ridiculous amount of money and you may end up empty handed. It's accepting that you'll be a human pin cushion. It's just as the video says - it's the never ending 2 week wait and constant anticipation. It's knowing that you'll spend thousands of dollars trying to get a baby when a alcohol swigging, drug taking woman can spawn 3 kids in a row . It's just simply not fair! It's a whole friggin ball of hell that goes on for years. But I don't believe in giving up - and as long as my ovaries are still inside of me, and we aren't broke - I'm on this TTC roller coaster until the bitter or sweet end!

Oh how I love the wiggles

Last time I was pregnant, I didn't get the pleasure of feeling my baby move. Perhaps that's a good thing. I think my grief would have been that much worse if I was able to remember the feeling of the life inside of me that didn't make it. However, this time around, this snowbaby, turned sticky bean, ultimately upgraded to baby-to-be started moving at the 10 week ultrasound and hasn't stopped since. In fact, the doctors keep mentioning that my baby is quite an active one. Now that the baby is big enough for me to feel, I'm realizing what that means. This baby wiggles and wiggles up a storm! This baby is also kicking and punching away too! I get to feel movement all day long, which is great. Before I was feeling movement, I'd pull my doppler out every few days to be sure that the life in me was still going strong. Now - I've actually become confident enough to put the doppler away and just let the kicking commence! By the way  - after days of searchign and researching online - Here's the doppler I bought - Sonotrax . I was able to find the heartbeat as early as 9 weeks - so I've been "listening" to this baby for a very long time!

For now this game of kick mommy-to-be on the inside is a pleasant game of gentle wiggles, pokes, and thumps. I know it's going to upgrade into pokes jabs, and the occasional punch in the bladder! I'm beginning to understand what maternal instinct is. How could I not love this child after bonding with it in this way. It's simply amazing to feel life inside of you like this. Not so bad for a woman who's 15 days into her bedrest and still in a good mood!

Getting a HSG...

This is one of those trips down memory lane. Sometimes when we get into our fertility missions, we're naive. In fact, no let's be honest - we are completely clueless. No matter how many blogs and forums we've cruised and websites we've plowed through, we're still completely ill-prepared for the onslaught of procedures and things we have to go through. I thought I'd write a small bit about my HSG. For those who don't know - a HSG is a hysterosalpingogram. It's an X-ray test that looks at the inside of the uterus and fallopian tubes and the area around them. It often is done for women who are having a hard time becoming pregnant. The procedure is done in an operating theater - and it's kind of like a video X-ray of your ovaries.

In plain terms, the doctor basically fills your uterus with this contrast dye. The fluid fills your uterus and then comes out your fallopian tubes. If your fallopian tubes show the fluid spilling out normally - good news - your stuff isn't blocked! If the fluid spills out on only one side, then one of your tubes are blocked. Here's the kicker... if one of your fallopian tubes are blocked - the HSG can sometimes flush your system :)

I did my HSG about a year ago.  I thought it would be bad - but it's not really painful. I was awake for the procedure. They basically gave me a stress ball to squeeze on. I think I got a strong ibuprofen afterwards, but it's no real biggie. Mine came back saying that my uterus was shaped fine and one of my tubes were fine. The other one is a little bit weird shaped and higher up. It wasn't blocked but it was spilling in a strange way. The doctor thought it might cause issues if an egg moved through it - but it was non conclusive. So Phew** so far.... I'm still just a woman with broken ovaries. In fact not quite broken ovaries - I've got eggs - TONS of them. They simply just won't drop those eggs and grow them. That's why I literally got a TON of mature follicles when I did my IVF.

Day 12 of bedrest - just me and my thoughts

Honestly, I'm doing better on bedrest than I expected. Of course it's still modified bedrest - but I try to spend as much of it horizontal as possible. It's kind of weird that I haven't left the house except to go to the hospital for my doctor appointments and 17p injections. I'm feeling the baby kicks more and more every day. We're getting so close to viability - I'm starting to get excited :) I can't wait to start shopping for a crib and buying the baby bedding. The baby does kick on a fairly regular basis - so that's comforting. I'm pretty much ready to pack away the doppler.

On a sadder note, one of my pregnancy buddies on one of the forums I'm on just lost her baby at 19 weeks :( It was a painful reminder of how fragile pregnancies really are. At the second trimester, you've sort of gotten over that hump and you expect everything to be ok. My heart really goes out to her, as she's had multiple losses. Every now and then if I go more than a few hours feeling the baby ... I start getting antsy. I've managed to resist the urge to poke my belly to wake the baby up! i've had luck shifting to my side to get the little one to move.

So not too much to say today except, I'm still hanging in there living on my couch - and taking "trips" to the back yard! For now... this cyster lives to fight PCOS another day!

Day 10 of bedrest - 12 days to viability - what to do!

Contrary to popular belief, bed rest gets really old at about day 3! I feel like an invalid. I'm still allowed to go up and down the stairs once a day but that's pretty much it. I only leave the house for doctor's appointments. I can't help but think... I miss my life! I miss being able to swing by the grocery store and get what I want. I miss being able to stop by my favorite restaurants and get something to munch. I really have no idea how people handle incarceration.

I've noticed that my weight is starting to slide backwards. I anticipate that I'll lose weight with this bedrest - even though I eat and am immobile! If everything holds stable... in 12 days I can stop talking about miscarriage fears and start talking about how long I can keep this baby cooking to avoid having a preemie. It's going to be really strange to talk about when this baby comes as opposed to "if" this baby comes! I'm also counting down to when I can start buying nursery stuff. I feel so giddy - I've been staring at a list of products on amazon that I'm just dying to buy!! I know the crib, stroller, co-sleeper, nursery decor, etc. Just can't wait to be able to buy it!

17p Shots Are too expensive - is there an alternative?

This piece is in reference to the recent news of progesterone shots becoming insanely expensive : http://blogs.wsj.com/health/2011/03/10/price-of-drug-to-prevent-preterm-labor-skyrockets/ I have a bit of a love hate relationship with progesterone - but that's partly because of my IVF experience with progesterone-in-oil shots, the fact that I'm on 17p shots, and the fact that with my PCOS my progesterone levels are always too low! I won't go into all of that, but in light of the price of 17p shots skyrocketing from 10-20 bucks to 1500 bucks a shot - I thought I'd share an alternative perspective on this dilemma.

Now we know that women at risk for pre-term labor need their 17p shots. Well... perhaps I should say they need progesterone supplements to prevent uterine contractions and reduce their risk of pre-term labor. The question is - although the 17p shot is the most common form of this - is it our only option. And if the 17p shot is suddenly above and beyond all of our means , what's the next best option.

I'm only aware of this because my perinatologist told me that I could have a second option if I was unable to tolerate the injections. I did Progesterone-in-oil shots during my IVF cycle and they literally crippled me. I couldn't lie down, sit, lay on one side, or walk without excruciating pain! After 3 weeks of being in unbearable pain, using heating pads for hours on end, and being miserable, I was switched to vaginal suppositories - endometrium. I told my perinatologist about this - and he mentioned that I could do vaginal suppositories instead of the 17p shots if I couldn't tolerate the shots. I decided to do some digging online to see what I could find on those suppositories.

From March of Dimes :  http://www.marchofdimes.com/baby/premature_indepth.html

Treatment with the hormone progesterone may help prevent another premature birth in women who have already had a premature baby. The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) recommends that this treatment be offered only to women with a previous spontaneous (not induced) premature birth who are currently pregnant with one fetus (21). Studies show that weekly injections of a form of progesterone (called 17P) reduces the risk for preterm birth by about one-third in these women (22).

Another study found that treatment with vaginal progesterone suppositories greatly reduces the rate of premature birth in women with a short cervix (most of whom had no history of premature birth) (23). A vaginal ultrasound can determine whether a woman has a short cervix. ACOG recommends that providers consider progesterone treatment for these women, but does not recommend screening all women for a short cervix (21).

Studies have not found progesterone treatment helpful in preventing premature birth in twin pregnancies (21). More studies are needed to clarify which high-risk women may benefit from progesterone treatment and which form of progesterone is most effective.


Research Findings From some online journal: http://www.jfponline.org/Pages.asp?AID=1888&issue=March_2005&UID=

.... large double-blind, placebo-controlled, randomized study established the effectiveness of 17 α-hydroxyprogesterone caproate in preventing preterm delivery.....Vaginal progesterone suppositories have also been shown to decrease the rate of preterm birth in patients at increased risk.


I guess my point is that we may have other options. If the FDA and Makena are going to screw us so badly that our pregnancies may cost as much as $30 000 out of pocket to save..... we may have to look to alternative forms of progesterone to keep our babies cooking.

Why is OBGYN/prenatal care so crappy?

I should start with a disclaimer - this piece is a bit of a rant.  Because of my "complex" medical history regarding child rearing, I've had the pleasure of being under the care of an obgyn, endocrinologist, general practitioner, reproductive endocrinologist and perinatologist. And yes at any given point, I've been under the care of more than one of them. So here's what inspired today's post:

Yesterday I went to see my peri to get my cervix measured and make sure I'm not going into pre-term labor. Due to some mixup, the nurse at the front desk gave me my medical file. Since I had to wait almost an hour to see the doctor, and I've read every brochure in that doctor's office thrice already, I decided to browse my file. The most interesting thing I found was a note from my perinatologist to my reproductive endocrinologist and obgyn. It was regarding my cerclage. Apparently there was extensive debate over my case. One doctor didn't want to give me a cerclage - and my peri went to defend the right to give me a cerclage. And get the reason why the one doctor didn't want to give me one : He preferred that I get 3 second-trimester losses BEFORE I qualify for a cerclage. Now how on earth does that make sense? Will I even have the mental wherewithal to still try to get pregnant after losing 3 babies in the second trimester? I'm PCOS, I had to have IVF to have my baby, should I pay for 3 IVF cycles to earn the right to try and save my pregnancy? Who makes up these rules???

Anyway - I digress :) So here's what happened in my first pregnancy - and why I'm very anti OBGYNs. When I got pregnant the first time - I was set up on a monthly appointment schedule. The average appointment consisted of a urine sample, bloodwork, and a quick abdominal ultrasound. That's not so bad. Except, one day at 20 weeks, I walked into my monthly obgyn appointment and was 4 cm dilated. Hmm... someone missed something. I know incompetent cervix is often asymptomatic - so at this point - I gave them a pass. A year later when I was ready to conceive, I had no periods. I didn't get a PCOS diagnosis from my obgyn. What I got was 3 failed unmonitored clomid cycles and then advice to go speak to a specialist.

Fast forward a few years, after finally becoming an IVF graduate, I get released to my OB. Wow.... after spending 2 years with a specialist, you realize how low-grade OB facilities are! My first appointment didn't include an ultrasound or a doppler - because my RE had done one the week before. Of course, every pregnant woman in the first trimester wants an ultrasound or at least doppler to confirm her baby is still there. Needless to say I went on amazon and bought a doppler immediately afterwards! Every monthly appointment afterwards pretty much consisted of a 10 second doppler, bloodwork, and urine samples. And that's it. Now how could you possibly catch anything wrong if that's all you look at ? They have yet to give me an ultrasound. One of my coworkers didn't get her first ultrasound until 20 weeks!! I'm probably just very biased, but with the number of premature babies born in the USA, and the whole range of pregnancy complications, I wonder if a more aggressive screening approach could help a lot of us. Also, why is it people want to see recurrent pregnancy loss to believe you might really have a problem. At my OB office, one doctor tried to categorize my 20 week miscarriage as fetal demise - instead of incompetent cervix. That one statement could have disqualified me for the pregnancy saving cerclage I have right now.

It just seems to me that there's an expectation that if a pregnancy fails.... oh well stuff happens. But no one wants to take it seriously unless it happens over and over. That's fine (I guess?) for women who can get pregnant at will. However, for those of us who have to literally fight and spend insane amounts of money to get our ONE chance at having a baby - that kind of attitude is just appalling. Anyway rant over... that's just my 5 am thought for the day.

So begins day 8 of bed rest!!!!

Phew - We live to fight another week

Well... today's perinatologist appointment went well. Well as well as well can be considered in my situation. My cervix was pretty much the same length. The doctor was happy about that. In fact, he's even allowed me to go 2 weeks before my next appointment. We got another chance to see our baby and hear the heartbeat. Everything looked normal but they didn't do measurements of the baby. I also got my 17p shot today. I'm going to get my urine sample done and see if my UTI is really recurring or not!

So here I am 22 weeks tomorrow - just 15 days away from viability. I always anticipated getting to this point, but now that we're so close - I just want it to be over and I want to be there!! The doctor started to mention what will come next. Since I'll be 24 weeks at our next appointment, we can start to treat this pregnancy like a baby we need to keep in the womb as long as possible. The doc mentioned steroids to help the baby's lungs develop. He mentioned that we would do 2 regiments, an initial one and then a second one when pre-term labor is imminent. He mentioned the possibility of pre-term labor and hospitalization but I have a chance to get through this without all of that.

I'm happy with where we are - but it is still so nerve wracking. I want to be excited - I want to celebrate every victory - but I am not ready to celebrate until we get to the point of viability. If possible, I'd love to cook this baby to 38 or even 40 weeks, but we'll see what my body is willing to do. For now.... my sticky bean and I live to fight another week to finally meet each other!

Heading back to the Perinatologist to get my cervix measured again

For anyone who has dealt with incompetent cervix, it's so nerve wracking! It's been a week since I found out that my nicely stitched shut cervix has decided that it wants to shorten and open on its own anyway! I dropped from 3.3 cm down to 1.97 cm in just 2 weeks. Of course I was frustrated because just 2 weeks before my cervix had actually grown .4 cm. I was sticking to the partial rest schedule (not doctor ordered but personally ordered as a precaution) and I expected everything to be fine. What was more frustrating, was just as I was celebrating getting past the 20 week mark of my 1st miscarriage, my cervix decided it wanted to do a repeat performance.

Anyway - it's incredibly early - 5amish, I'm awake LOL. I go back today to get my cervix measured. For anyone who's new to the concept - this has been a pretty painless experience for me. The tech does a transvaginal ultrasound and takes some measurements. Then the tech does a transabdominal ultrasound and measures the baby. Then we just sit and wait for the doctor to review them, come into the room and tell us the news.

I also have a potential recurring UTI. The reason I say potentially recurring UTI is that my obgyn has told me at my last 3 monthly appointments that my urine culture came back positive for a UTI. So they gave me an antibiotic macrobid. I have had no symptoms all along. I took the antibiotics, saw my peri for my cervical measurements, and then went back to the OB in a month. Then again - your urine culture says UTI and it's responsive to macrobid. Same deal, I took the macrobid, and came back in a month. Guess what.... a month later.... you have  UTI, it shows itself as sensitive to macrobid, and they gave me the same meds. I asked the nurse who called me - is this normal? She said - yeah - the labwork says macrobid works. Now I'm thinking in my head, I don't care what the lab work says, is it normal to have the same UTI responsive to the same medication, reappearing at every tests in a 12 week period? Anyway - since (at that time) I saw my perinatologist every 2 weeks, I decided I'd ask them.

My peri said it's possible for a bacteria to show sensitive to a medication and still be resistant. They will be running fresh urine cultures on me today so I can get a definite answer. I wouldn't care so much except amongst my many factors for pre term labor (PCOS, mild insulin resistance, incompetent cervix, previous pre-term loss) I don't need to add recurrent UTIs to that list!!

Anyway - that's enough of a rant! I hope everything goes ok today with the doc!

I'll post an update when I get home

Keeping busy - The plan for day 6 of bed rest

I'm so grateful for the opportunity to still work from home while on bed rest. It helps me keep my mind off of the clock. I also looked at my pile of crocheted stuff - there are 5 blankets and a purse LOL.  Clearly I've been a crocheting mad woman!!! So this is sort of what my day looks like :

1. Wake up and shower
2. Eat breakfast
3. 1 morning conference call
4. Type up a few documents 
5. Watch an episode of cheaters
6. Eat a snack
7. Take a second conference call 
8. Watch an episode of First 48
9. Eat a snack 
10. Take a 3rd conference call
11. Draft a workplan
12. Draft some emails 
13. Post on my forums
14. Crochet for half an hour
15. Get on Blogger and post something else :)

Wow... my life has dwindled to pretty much what I can do on the couch or within arms reach. I should add that there are about 7 bathroom trips in the middle of all of that too. I'm also on another forum - www.keepemcookin.com . I get tweets from them about interesting things to check online. Right now www.bored.com has made it on my bedrest survival kit!

So begins day 6 of bed rest

I'm coming up on my first week of bed rest. So far so good. I'm sooo eager to go to the doctor tomorrow and get a read on how my cervix is doing. The most frustrating thing with incompetent cervix is that you're totally asymptomatic until you're about to lose your baby. I'm doing alright - and not going completely crazy yet.... but then again I've got 14 weeks and one day to go!

My second trimester pregnancy loss (at 20 weeks)

I got pregnant by surprise. In fact - it was nothing short of a miracle - except I didn't realize it at the time. I found out when I was 11 weeks pregnant. The story of how I found out was actually kind of interesting. I was driving into town one day, and I suddenly felt really really tired. Not tired - like I should go and take a nap tired, but tired like my eyes are closing right now. I was cruising in the speeding lane, and I noticed a loud fast thumping sound. That was me waking up as my car started skidding into the barriers in the speeding lane! It hit me - I had just fallen asleep!


Completely freaked out, I drove straight to the doctor's office. I simply told them what happened and said I'm not leaving here until you tell me what's wrong with me. They ran tests on me for hours. I went from one office to another. They thought I had a virus, thought I had a UTI, thought I had some kind of infection, and then hours into it - one doctor came in and said... ummm... you might want to sit down for this. I sit down - and he's like you're pregnant! We do an ultrasound and confirm I'm 11 weeks pregnant. How could I have gone almost 3 months without knowing I was pregnant? In retrospect - it was actually pretty easy - I was PCOS and having a period was a rare event for me anyway!


Moving forward, at about 19 weeks and 6 days, that evening, I wasn't feeling so hot. It wasn't anything major but I felt a little bit uncomfortable. I didn't think so much of it because I was scheduled for a doctor's appointment the next day. I distinctly remember going to the bathroom before sleeping, and I saw a little extra yellow discharge in the toilet. It wasn't a huge amount, I wasn't in pain, and it really didn't seem that significant. I went to bed, and then in the morning drove myself to the doctor's office. When I got examined, the doctor's eyes got real wide. He stepped out for a bit, came back in a few minutes and said - you have to go to the hospital immediately - the labor and delivery entrance. You're 4 cm dilated!!! Are you sure you're not in any pain? 

I was in complete shock. I was in no pain, and had no discomfort. I called my husband and told him to meet me there. I got to the hospital and was admitted and put in a critical care ward in  Labor and Delivery. There I got the news, I was in danger of losing my baby. They put me in the Trendelenburg position. It's sort of a way to raise your legs over your hips to help the baby "slide" back in and reduce pressure on the cervix. The picture to the left is an example of it.


That experience was a blur of nurses and doctors. People would randomly come in, lift the sheet and poke around there and move on. I distinctly remember telling the nurse that I am this child's mother, and she's not coming until I say so. Hollow words in a dire situation. The doctor's wanted to put in an emergency cerclage but I started to get contractions. My contractions wouldn't stop. On day 3 of this wait-and-see game, I felt some moisture between my legs. I called a nurse who did a test for amniotic fluid and gave me the bad news. My water had broken - and my baby wasn't going to make it. I then prepared myself to deliver my baby knowing she had no chance of making it at 20 weeks. 


Another thing I didn't realize... at 20 weeks - you go through a full delivery - except you come out empty handed. I had an epidural put in and the doctor warned me that the baby might cry but I shouldn't take that as a sign she will make it - it wasn't possible. Fortunately our baby died in childbirth and I didn't have to hear her die. The delivery was fine. The nurses wrapped the baby in a blanket and left her in an incubator for me. I took one look, but I refused to get too fixated on it. I never named her either. I sort of needed to accept what happened and to move on. The rest was pretty standard, I recovered, was released from hospital and was sent home. I was an emotional wreck but I got through it. 


I'm a bit tired now - so I'll pick up later with the next piece of this story .... what happened when we realized that the placenta was not fully delivered and I was still passing chunks of tissue days later!


Part 2 of this post is here : http://pcosflowerchica.blogspot.com/2011/03/my-second-trimester-pregnancy-loss-at_25.html

Day 5 of bed rest

Well it's roughly 6 pm - so I guess I can almost count today as over. It's actually been a pretty decent day. My mom's here to keep me company - so that's helping - because I have someone to talk to all day long. Not that my cell phone isn't ringing off the hook since I'm working from home.

Today the baby has been kicking me. Yesterday she was kicking so low that I found myself googling "baby kicking low" and "cerclage failure" for an hour. I haven't been on bed rest long enough to have lost my mind, however, I am definitely beginning to feel the start of cabin fever. For example, I haven't been outside in 5 days. I look out the window  - but it's been too chilly to go out. Even if I did go out - I can't really go much further than the yard. I did find some cool bedrest t-shirts on www.cafepress.com - 4 reasons prison is better than bed rest :

1. daily showers
2. conjugal visits
3. An hour of exercise
4. An hour outside every day 

If 10 weeks from now - I'm still on bed rest and I haven't lost my sanity - I'm definitely buying that t-shirt. I've also been working on keeping busy. I've got more than enough gadgets and television and I can even crochet. I have knitting needles - but after 30 minutes of trying to copy a youtube how-to video on how to knit - I've pretty much discovered that it isn't for me! From time to time I'll post some links to things that have really helped me out. My first item is the most awesome tray that my husband bought for me : 

I'm absolutely loving it. It has 3 joints so it can configure to any height you need. Well that's enough rambling for one day...I'm going to count today as a win in the bedrest battle!

Survived Day 4 of bed rest

Thanks to my incompetent cervix - I'm on an indefinite bedrest - well probably closer to 15 weeks. My mom just arrived today to spend an indefinite amount of time with me :) That's cool too. I'm heading off to bed. I've managed to be somewhat productive today

1. worked on migrating one of my websites
2. made some progress on my 6th baby blanket
3. surfed the web
4. played some tower defense games
5. watched entirely too many movies!

I'm headed off to bed to make day 4 of bedrest end even faster! 3 days until I get my cervix measured again. I hope this week of rest has helped it.

Getting a PCOS Diagnosis

Let's face it - PCOS sucks. It sounds like a death sentence for a woman. I'm mean, let's be honest, women have a lot of self identity issues. We already have the whole, I'm not thin enough, I'm not pretty enough, I'm not wanted enough etc set of issues. However, one thing that we normally go through life believing, is that no matter what - I can reproduce. That makes me different from men. It's my one gift that no one can take away from me - right? Well.... there's also the pesky problem of finding a suitable DNA donor to make sure you spawn high-quality children, but in a nutshell - you're good - you can have kids. Now the catch to this is how do you know you really are fertile until you start trying? I mean I never had a normal cycle. And I had a whole string of (now I realize) crappy OBGYNs who made false promises of how birth control pills will regulate me. They all claimed that when I came off of the birth control pills, I'd be fertile and ready to have kids.

Boy were they totally off base there. I won't go into it today, but I did get pregnant on my own once, and that ended up in a miscarriage. This story starts a year after miscarrying and being ready to try and get pregnant. Funny thing, how when you want to get pregnant, you can't.... but when you're not trying - it just happens. Well when I wasn't trying - I got pregnant. When I began to try - I came to realize just how defective my reproductive system was!

So I came off of my birth control pills. About 90 days passed and not a maxi pad in sight! I went back to my obgyn, and they gave me provera to start my period, and said come back in 90 days if you don't have a period. Well another 90 days passed and still no period. Please note - I'm now 6 months into Trying to Conceive! My OBGYN didn't think anything strange of this. He simply said, let's do some rounds of a drug called clomid to see if that makes you ovulate. Each clomid cycle takes roughly 30 days + the time it takes for your period. You also need to use provera to cause a period before you start your clomid. So you can assume a clomid cycle is close to 60 days. Well 3 rounds of clomid ( increasing doses of 50, 10, and 150 mg) and NOTHING. I charted and I monitoring my temps and blew through a ton of ovulation predictor kits. NOTHING! Although I should say my last cycle gave me an ovulation positive that lasted 2 weeks straight. We're counting that as a negative. My poor husband was subjected to the emotionless sex of baby making as I demanded his seed as my cycle dictated. What a total waste. By the way - baby making sex can completely destroy any passion in a relationship!

So 3 rounds of clomid later - I'm still feeling barren as ever. I'm now roughly a year into my Trying to Conceive. Well... my OBGYN gave up. He said I probably need to speak to an endocrinologist. So I scheduled an appointment and went off to my first specialist. That was quite the experience. She looked at me, looked at the 6 hairs I have under my chin (yes just 6) and looked at my waist line and said - yep you have PCOS. I'm going to prescribe metformin for you and you schedule an appointment with me in 3 months.  It was not a terribly informative doctor's appointment. So I got in my car, drove home, started to cry a little as I felt bewildered and didn't understand what this PCOS disease was I had. I went to the pharmacy, picked up my prescription, and drove home.

My dear sweet husband decided to take me out to dinner to make me feel better about everything. I figured that would be a good time to take my first pill, since it needed to be taken with meals. We went to an italian restaurant - CRITICAL MISTAKE #1. I had a pasta dish - CRITICAL MISTAKE #2. I also split a dessert with my husband - CRITICAL MISTAKE #3. At the end of the meal, I popped my metformin pill - CRITICAL MISTAKE #4 -  and we drove home. About half way home I heard a gurgle in my stomach. I told my dear husband that I thought maybe dinner didn't agree with me. By the time we got home, my stomach sounded like one of those water coolers you see in offices. I went to the bathroom - and experienced what can only be described as explosive diarrhea. It also lasted until 4 in the morning. I literally thought I was going to die or maybe crap out part of my large intestine. I've never had a stomach run so bad. It felt like my system was ejecting everything I had ever eaten. I told my husband that if my stomach did not stop by morning, we'd have to call an ambulance. It was so bad, I couldn't risk sitting in a car with my stomach running the way it was.

Around 4 am it subsided, and I was feeling brave enough to get into bed. I called my doctor in the morning, no answer. I called 3 times a day for the next few days - but no one called me back. I decided at that moment that I needed to get educated about my condition and my medication and I needed to get educated FAST! I went online and googled metformin and PCOS and landed on Soul Cysters. For those of you in the PCOS community - you know it's the largest PCOS support forum out there. I started to read about metformin (and its side effects) as well as PCOS. The more I read, the more I realized I needed to speak to a fertility specialist. So began my road towards dealing with my PCOS....

Introduction to my little infertility battle

It's going to take me quite a while to actually tell my whole story, so I'll just start with where I am in my battle right now. As the days pass (and they will pass slowly as I'm on bedrest), I'll give a full breakdown of my story.

Where I am right now: 
I'm in my low 30's right now, 21 weeks pregnant, lying on a couch using a funky little laptop tray. This is pretty much going to be my life for the next 15 weeks. I'm on doctor ordered modified bed rest because my cervix has decided it's not interested in staying closed for 9 months. I have PCOS. Many of you will know what this is  - but if you don't - it's PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome. In plain english, my ovaries have way too many cysts. Well the cysts are more like baby eggs that never grow into full mature eggs. Thus.... my infertility. To add insult to injury, not only do I have trouble getting pregnant, I also have an incompetent cervix. I've always hated that term! This means my cervix has a nasty tendency of trying to open up in the almost impossible event that I get pregnant. Yet here I am, pregnant against all odds (for the second time), lying on a couch, contemplating how I'm going to survive another 15 weeks lazying around the house without going crazy.

I guess I should also add another disclaimer, the first time I got pregnant - I managed to do it on my own. That ended up horribly. Pretty much at 20 weeks, I walked into a doctor's office for a routine checkup and was dilated. 3 days later I lost my baby. This was after oh.... 6 years of rampant unprotected sex with my husband. That pretty much sums up just how infertile I really am! This time around, 4 years later, I went the super star route and did IVF. It actually worked and here I am pregnant - trying to stay pregnant and not lose all the out-of-pocket money we spent getting me pregnant!

Where I'm going
Well obviously, I'm working on having baby #1. But I'm not planning on stopping here. I'd like to have a real family - at least 2 kids. Not only that, but I totally plan to beat this PCOS thing. I've been lucky and I don't have many of the painful side effects of PCOS - like hairiness, obesity, skin tags (although I do have one boob darker that the other!), depression, anxiety, etc. All I have is a little belly fat that won't go away, a constant extra 15 pounds of weight that's stubborn to come off, and ovaries that are so polycystic - they look like bunches of grapes on an ultrasound! Goal #1 for me is to become a PCOS mother, then a PCOS mother of 2, then to be a PCOS mother with regular periods, and if all goes well a PCOS mother who doesn't develop Type II diabetes!