My son's birth story

So some of you may know about my false alarm 2 days before where I came in after my membrane sweep - spent 2 hours in L&D and got sent home. After that I was so dismayed -

I was hesitant to call if I was feeling off. Well - I started contracting on Monday and contracted straight through Wednesday. I decided to take a 3/4 mile walk with DH. I figured this might get things going for my induction on Friday.

Well my contractions got worse after the walk. Then they got painful. Then they got 4-5 minutes apart. I finally folded and called my midwife. She offered for me to come in and get checked out. To my dismay -

I was still just as dilated as I was 2 days ago - ugh. The nurse said they were on the fence about admitting me and she wasn't sure what the midwife would say. Also - the hospital prefers to induce at 39 weeks unless there's a medical reason. The nurse is the same nurse that treated me 2 days before.

The nurse said - she would try to see if she could get the midwife to admit me. She made me walk for an hour around the unit. Then she said she would try something with my cervical check. She made me lay on my back, put my fists under my butt, and then shoved 4 fingers into my cervix and spread them wide. That took me to 4.5 cm dilated. The midwife came to check me out and agreed that I was 4.5 - showed enough change when I arrived and that since I'm 36, with GD and a rising blood pressure - it was ok to induce at 38.5 weeks.

By this point my contractions were hurting like hell. They moved me to a delivery room and I labored painfully until the anesthesiologist arrived with his magic. The epidural insertion was fine but I did get 'zingers' where my legs would twitch uncontrollably. After that settled down i began to feel the glorious warmth and numbness of an epidural. The contractions that were coming every 5-6 minutes and nearly bringing me to tears were finally dulling to a tolerable level.

As for the epidural  - I could move my feet , but for a while I was laying flat for too long so the medication actually moved up to the bottom of my lungs. This meant I didn't have the strength to cough and I had phlegm I couldn't clear. After nearly choking twice - we talked to the nurse - they adjusted my position, and the control of my lungs returned.

I then heard the nurse say that my contractions had slowed down so they would run pitocin. This was fine by me - and my contractions started moving to every 2 minutes.  Then they got painful - the epidural was wearing off !! The anesthesiologist came to switch my epidural drugs and the pain relief returned. However I started to get light headed. He told me to close my eyes and lay back as they added medication to my IV. My light headedness finally went away. I then slept on and off for the next few hours. I started to feel pressure down there .....

They decided the midwife should come break my waters. Apparently I kept falling asleep so they let me rest. When they decided at 6:30

Am that my waters needed to be broken ..... I felt a pop and a gush ! My waters broke!

Then things got into action. My midwife swooped in - said OH CRAP! And got to work preparing to deliver the baby. They checked my cervix and felt the baby's head. About 6 people walked in the room to prepare for my delivery. They took their stations and my midwife got to work. She assigned a nurse to each leg and they got me up in the stirrups. They asked me to put my hands behind my knees, to pull my legs up and tuck my chin. The. They made me take a deep breath and then hold it as I tried to take the mother of all shits. We did that for 6 minutes and then the midwife said -

Just one more! I thought she was BSing - but hey I gave it my all -

And Then I heard the cries of our son. I completely welled up with tears. They pulled him out, wiped him down and he was on my chest!!!! I got to hold him for quite some time and then she let DH cut the umbilical cord. Then he was moved to the newborn care station and they worked on cleaning him up. I was overwhelmed emotionally. I pushed out the placenta and the midwife said - no tears and no stitches necessary! She said she was shocked I got an 8 lb 3 oz baby out that easily. I think it's the SPD that made it possible. I still had nurses coming to check my abdomen and to help me cramp down.

Fast forward a few hours and I'm walking around. I've taken 2 pees with no pain. They gave me a preventative laxative so I can poop in peace. This is the most amazing recovery ever. So now  I'm just here ogling over my son! I can't believe I have a son!!!!

Although I battled with breastfeeding my first child, by the third attempt my son completely latched and nursed for 15 straight minutes. We are off to a great start!

I might have been in labor for 3 days but this kind of delivery made it worth it!!

Shirodkar cerclage removal success - surgery story

So it seems for now my cerclage debacle may be over. I went in for surgery this morning to get my cerclage removed. When I got in and prepped for surgery - the anesthesiologist asked me if I wanted to do an epidural or general anesthesia. I know my surgeon wanted me to do an epidural so that he could talk me through the surgery - but the anesthesiologist felt my risks were the same. I also hoped to do an epidural for my delivery ( within 2 weeks) so I opted for general.

My surgeon came in and explained the risks of the surgery and honestly he scared me shitless. He wasn't feeling very confident that he would be able to remove it. He discussed the blood flow rates in my veins in the uterus vs how much blood I have in my body and the dangers of nicking a vein. He also explained that if it went sour, I'd be looking at a c section+hysterectomy. Wait whuuuuuut? He kept saying - he was going to go in and look - and if anything looked unfavorable - he would simply abandon the surgery. He also talked to me about choosing which OB would do my c-section if he wasn't successful. We also talked through getting an IUD with the stitch in if it couldn't come out, how it affects fertility and what pregnancy risks it comes with.

After that pep talk (sarcasm), we went into the OR. I dozed off pretty quick once they gave me meds. I'm actually used to falling asleep instantly - this time I drifted off. It was actually kind of weird. When I came to, my surgeon was still around and the first thing I asked was - did you get it out?? And he happily said he was able to! He said I can go ahead and attempt my vaginal delivery. He said the stitch was buried but he was able to find enough of it to remove the entire thing. I'm sure I was loopy because I asked him 3-4 times to be sure I wasn't dreaming. I also noticed that my throat hurt and I had a productive cough. It turns out I was intubated and even aspirated on the table. It's 3 am now and I'm nursing a sore throat from that and painfully coughing up phlegm....

Recovery was pretty straight forward. The general rule applies - if you can piss you can go home. I'm on bed rest for a day, pelvic rest for a week , and now on labor watch!!! I'm so grateful that he was able to undo what that shady OB in South Africa did. I was so scared that the cerclage he put in was something I'd never be able to get out. I haven't had a chance to ask what this means for future pregnancies ( although I never want to be pregnant again LOL). I just don't want anyone making those decisions for me.

On one side I'm very happy that it seems the crisis has been averted. On the other hand I'm feeling very violated. I trusted the OB in South Africa to give me a cerclage that would 1 - save my pregnancy and 2 - not increase my chances of a csection - and 3 be temporary. What I got was 1 but not 2 or 3 and he falsified my medical records too. I just keep thinking - what would have happened if my cervix funneled and opened even with the stitch? What if my waters had broken? What if we were forced to have an emergency cerclage removal if I went into labor? This surgery required 2 surgeons because they realized what they were dealing with - what if in an emergency situation I ended up with a regular OB instead of a pair of specialists? What gave him the right to make those decisions for me and to not even inform me? I still don't want to have more kids but now I fear how this may affect that. I'm just so angry on so many fronts .

Finally - I'm just laying here with a sore throat because of the intubation / aspiration issue. My baby is still kicking so I know the general anesthesia didn't make him too sluggish. I'm on labor watch which is awesome. My son should be here within the next 2 weeks .....

Cerclage removal failure

So I was all excited for my cerclage to come out .... Except it didn't come out! After 3 attempts my doctor was unable to remove it. I'm fact he couldn't even find the stitch. We knew for a fact that it was there because we saw it on the ultrasound. Also I was awake for the procedure to put it in!

So now I have to have a surgery scheduled to remove it. The removal could be risky because there's a chance of me bleeding out. My perinatologist is willing to try and remove it - but he said only if conditions are completely favorable. If he felt there was the slightest risk of me bleeding out - he'd abort the surgery. So now it is a wait and see thing for next week. 

I'm very angry because it appears that the surgeon in South Africa put I'm a shirodkar suture even though on my medical records he said he put in a macdonald stitch. The shirodkar is considerably more difficult to take out and often requires a surgery to do so. I remember taking explicit time to discuss the two stitches, my goals for a vaginal delivery and our expectation that this stitch could be taken out in a doctor's office. Yet here I am with a shirodkar and facing a surgery where this stitch might be permanent ! I won't go into a rant on health care in SA - but I'm over this on so many levels.

Cerclage comes out today!

Im almost 37 weeks and it's time for my stitches to come out!! Will update when it's out this afternoon.

Can't believe I made it this far with no bedrest !

Gestational Diabetes Battles!

Well it's official - I have GD. In fact when I took my 3 hour test - I didn't just fail it - I flunked the damn thing.  I failed all 4 numbers - but I wasn't surprised. I had GD last time and I'm about 10 lb and a few years older this time. We tried to go diet controlled but after a week it was very clear to me that it wasn't going to work. I was able to control my 2 hour scores but my fasting scores were constantly 20 points higher. And bless the heart of my GD counselor but when I explained that none of the tips they gave me were helping my fasting - she just kept repeating the same thing. Instead of wasting another week - I just spoke to my doc.

She put me on glyburide. Initially I was nervous but honestly - my sugars have all come down since taking it at night and there are NO SIDE EFFECTS!

It's nothing like the metformin runny tummy woes I was dealing with earlier.

Oh and here's a quick update :
1 - I'm 30.5 weeks now
2 - I have gained only 13 lb since pre-pregnancy weight
3 - I didn't gain anything in the last 4 weeks
4 - baby is measuring close to 4 lb
5 - He's also measuring a week ahead
6 - Oh and I'm roughly 5 weeks away from having my cerclage removed and graduating from my perinatologist!!

Time permitting I'll do a post about my SPD - because this has been the most debilitating thing I have ever experienced. It's worse than bed rest!!

It's so weird having no problems to report

So I'm not complaining at all but - everything is actually going well with this pregnancy. That's our baby boy up there looking very creepy! Besides my SPD which I've grown tired of complaining about , this pregnancy is absolutely uneventful. I am going for my glucose 3 hour in a week and fully expecting to fail it LOL. But maybe I'm just being pessimistic. Anyway this infertility warrior is feeling very undeserving of the title right now!

26 weeks pregnant - goodbye second trimester

So this is me bowing my head in shame. I haven't updated this in entirely too long. It's really not for lack of desire - it's more so lack of energy. I hate to say it but I feel like such an old woman. I simply don't have the energy ( both physical and mental ) for most things. I was far more productive on bedrest than I've been now. Oh I didn't mention - I'm not on bedrest! I'm so excited ! I'm 26 weeks and still walking around with a 4 cm cervix! What are the odds! OK - let me focus :

Anatomy Scan 
My anatomy scan went great. He's measuring right on target. We were able to see his fingers, legs, face and all. Everything was exactly where it was supposed to be.


My Strange Cervix (No Complaints ) 
I call it strange because it's 4 cm. It never even hit 4 cm in my last pregnancy. It's so crazy. However it seems my cerclage is doing what it is supposed to and my cervix is great. There's been no signs of funneling or anything.

SPD
Ugh - I didn't realize SPD could be so debilitating. I mean I can walk but it does hurt to move my legs. I try not to complain about it because who wants a whining woman in your home! Either way - it has be walking like I'm 9 months pregnant - ugh.

Gestational Diabetes
So I passed my 1 hour test. I'll be doing the 3 hour when I hit 28 weeks. I should add - I barely passed the 1 hour - hehhee. I feel really guilty because I've struggled to maintain a GD friendly diet. I don't know what's wrong with me this time. I'm also heavier than I was last time. Sigh.... otherwise I'm doing alright I guess.

Lots to post but tiny update today

Lets see how I can sum this up 

1 - this baby is kicking up a storm !

2 - I barely passed my 1 hour glucose test - but I expected that- it was the same as last time

3 - my cervix was great at my last appt. My peri said I could go 3 weeks before next appt

4 - my OB advised I don't have more kids after this if I don't have to - I've been running hard with these fertility missions these past 6 years

More to come but all is well.

Next cervical measurement on Monday

Not much to report except my next peri appointment is Monday...... Since this is the week my cervix is known to shrink - let's just say a little anxiety has set in

Half Way There - 20 weeks pregnant

Yep - I'm 20 weeks pregnant. I feel guilty because I haven't been blogging properly - but the last details of this move have kept me busy indeed! So here's what's happened. I had a psuedo anatomy scan at 18.5 weeks. We did this because I needed to see a peri asap. The good news was that my cervix was still high and closed - measuring at 3.7 cm. My peri also thinks my first measurement was erroneous - saying 6.6 cm doesn't really happen - especially with a singleton pregnancy. Our baby did just fine with the scan and scored well. They have decided they will do another scan at my 21 week appointment as well. Oh yeah - and we're still team blue. I even saw the little wiener!
As for me - I'm still lamenting the challenges of being 35 and pregnant. I know every pregnancy is  different - but I feel so old in this one. I am dealing with crazy pelvic pain in the front called SPD (Symphysis Pubic Dysfunction). As a result I'm waddling like I'm 7 months pregnant even though I'm only 5 months pregnant. Ugh! I'm really hopeful for this pregnancy - because I don't ever want to go through this again. I'm done with this pregnancy business.

Beyond this - I'm so happy - because I realize I'm just under 4 weeks to viability!!! This means that very soon we can start talking about WHEN this baby comes and not just IF :) - well sort of anyway hehe.

So not too much to report except - all is ok with the world right now...

My second cerclage story

So I got my cerclage done right at the end of 13 weeks. This was the first time I've done a surgery in South Africa. Strangely enough - I wasn't terribly concerned for the surgery as such. But hey - it is what it is!

So DH and I arrived early. I had to fast so I was already hungry. The prep up to the surgery was pretty uneventful. I laid in bed and watched bad television, sat on my phone, and actually napped quite a bit since pregnancy fatigue was still reigning supreme. Then it was time to fill out paperwork and to talk to the anesthesiologist. He came in, asked me questions, and then was about to walk out. I stopped him and asked him if he wanted to discuss what he was going to do. He explained he wanted to general anesthesia. I declined. He sort of seemed taken aback. I explained I'd rather do a spinal or an epidural because I don't want general anesthesia since I'm pregnant. I'd rather not do it unless there's an immediate need to do so.  After going back and forth a bit he agreed.

Another hour passed or so, and I was wheeled down to pre-op. There was a guy there waiting to do some kind of surgery that involved his colon. Needless to say his anxiety was hard to miss. I tried to give him some reassuring words - since I've gone under the knife several times. He was shocked that I chose a spinal. It seems people in South Africa don't like to be awake for surgeries hehe. When it was my turn - I was wheeled in, moved onto the table, and they did the spinal. I really hate how you can still feel tugging or pressure when you do one. However, it isn't really painful at all. The procedure was pretty quick. This time they did a Shirodkar suture instead of the MacDonald stitch for my cerclage - which is a little more involved. But I swear this one seemed quicker than the last time I did one of these. Then they brought me back to recovery - easy peasy!

When I was back in the ward - I learned why they prefer general anesthesia - it's because people recover faster. Since I had a spinal of course it would take hours for me to recover. After a while I was the last woman in the ward - and the nurses started pushing me to recover faster ( as if I could do that). They tried to make me drink  6 liters of water but my lower half was still numb. After a while the water was making me hurt so I stopped and decided to walk around to help my legs wake up. Eventually I was able to take a piss  - but they were just pushing me because they wanted to get off of shift at 6 pm. All I could think was - hospital's don't close - if you need to go home - put someone else on shift! Finally my piss was a sad piss - it was more like water just leaking out of me - but that was enough for them and they sent me home.

I have to be honest - I sort of expected a scan afterwards or a doppler or something to monitor the baby  - but nothing. The doc came by - said everything looks great and we'll see you in 4 weeks. Needless to say - that experience sort of sealed my decision to move back. Because I had to think - if I was going to end up in hospital - where would I want to do it....

But my baby is still kicking - so it was worth it after all.

More to come but....

I'm back in the USA and should be back to my OB this week

Surgeries , international moves and stress!

So I've been quiet lately so this post is SO overdue. To start - I had my cerclage put in a few weeks ago. It was a shirodkar suture and it went fine. I wasn't so scared for the surgery - not as much as I'm scared of my cervix turning incompetent out here. I can't remember if I posted about this but - I've learned some very hard lessons about living out here. After my last pregnancy I've come to understand that the trick with dealing with incompetent cervix is constant monitoring, vigilance and medical intervention as soon as possible. That's fine and dandy - but out here doctor's still want to follow the same protocol they do with low risk patients - until something bad happens.

So what's wrong you ask? When I lost my first pregnancy - I walked into a routine monthly appointment and my cervix was 4 cm dilated - membranes bulging. Pretty much too late to save my pregnancy . For the second pregnancy we did a cerclage and had biweekly ultrasounds. Well needless to say - at about the same time - my cervix shortened down to the stitch as tried to funnel. So we intervened and 15 weeks of injections , bedrest and a bout of preterm labor later - we delivered a healthy baby girl! So of course when I explained this to numerous doctors here - I was baffled that they felt all I needed was the stitch and they could treat me normally. Oh did I mention my chronic UTis and gestational diabetes and that I'm over 35 now too? This is not a recipe for a normal pregnancy! 

So am I just paranoid? Well before my suture - my cervix was 6.6 cm. I basically demanded another appointment several weeks later - and now my cervix is 4.5 cm. So that's 2 cm loss or 30 percent in 2.5 weeks or so. So fine ..... I'm still within a wonderfully healthy range - but my cervix has shortened some. In fact quite a bit - but I'm the only person who thinks this is at least slightly concerning as I approach the 20 week mark - where my cervix goes nuts. Maybe it is just warming up? Maybe we should check it again in maybe 2 weeks to see if it is still changing? Not what my doctor thinks! So if I followed my doctor's lead - my next appt would be at 20 weeks and we'd walk in and pray the stitch held. If not then eeeek! 

All of this weighed in on our decision to return to the States. I've spent too much time nagging doctors out here about tests and labwork I want done. Too many times I've had to ask over and over for what my actual labs / numbers / results  were. I also had to nag for supplemental progesterone in the first trimester. I want to have some proactive care for my perilous pregnancy. Is that so much to ask for?

So here we are - organizing an international move in the space of 4 weeks. When you have a kid and pets it takes on a whole new dimension. Fortunately most stuff could be done remotely and we have knocked almost all of it out. My husband and I are exhausted - We look haggard - we've actually gained more white hairs over this! My toddler is clearly bewildered at the abandonment of her lovely routine - and is clingy and now refuses to sleep on her own. Not that I blame her! When some men take all your toys , put them in boxes, everything you've known is hauled off and you're now hanging out at the grandparents house all the time - you get suspicious that something is amiss. 

On a side note I think she's beginning to understand there's a baby coming. She actualy asked me to use the Doppler . She smiled when she heard her baby brothers heartbeat and said baby. It's a lot to hope a 2.5 year old understands but I'll take  what I can get. 

So I hope this does justice and gives a decent update as to where things are . I still need to write my surgery story .... But that will have to wait for another night of insomnia.

I'm still in the game

Things have been so crazy with the move -my online endeavors are suffering horribly..... I'm still preggo! I'm going next week to get an ok to fly and last checkup from my OB - and then it's hello USA!!!

Surgery today in a few

Eeeek! Enough said!

The Shirodkar Cerclage in 2 days

So here we go again... it's time to stitch this baby up! Let me take a step back before I get to this. So we saw the OB today and got a final OK for the cerclage. Our baby boy (yeah he thinks we're having one too ), is holding on nice and strong. So here's something interesting - he said my cervix is 6 cm!! I have to admit that's ridiculously long. I don't think mine reached over 4 cm last time. But I guess this is a good thing. Of course I've been Dr. Googling to see if it's an indication of perhaps reduced cervical incompetence but I can't find anything.  I even wondered if having only one ovary has reduced my PCOS and therefore my body's ability to suppress my progesterone? Anyway - I'm just glad he has plenty of cervix to work with.
So I'm scheduled to do my cerclage on Monday.  One thing that stands out is how much cheaper medical care is here. This whole procedure is coming to $1400 on the high end. My ultrasounds used to cost $1200 in the states...  and my cerclage came to $9000 in the states. Oh well! So the doctor is doing a Shirodkar stitch. I had a McDonald stitch last time. I had to ask the nurse 3 times to confirm that this wasn't a permanent. Doctors out here LOVE c-sections - so I wanted to make sure he wasn't setting me up for one. Anyway - from what I've Dr. Googled, the two are pretty equivalent and both can be taken out in a doctor's office - however, the Shirodkar is placed higher up and is harder to remove. Sometimes you have to get a spinal to remove it  ... and sometimes it's done in an operating theater. The idea of doing a second surgery to remove this stitch does not appeal to me. However, that's roughly 15 weeks from now - so we'll cross that bridge when it comes to it. Oh how I envy women who can have normal pregnancies. Instead ours is filled with endless online research about medical procedures, risk factors, and constantly watching for signs of negative changes. Anyway that's all I have for tonight. I'm still battling pregnancy insomnia - can't wait for this to pass!

Team Blue ... NT Scans .... Pre-Cerclage Thoughts

Yep - we are Team Blue - with a 96 % accuracy caveat - guessed at 13 weeks + 2 days! We just had our NT scan yesterday and it went great. Being 35 and having PCOS - I won't pretend like I have any confidence in my reproductive system. So I was mentally preparing myself for less than stellar numbers. However, we saw no defects and our combined bloodwork + ultrasound risk was set at 1 out of 4775 - which is just fine in my books! The tech also said my cervix was long and closed - which was comforting. I know cerclages are most successful when done between weeks 12 and 14 - so as I'm approaching the start of week 14 next week - I'm eager to get stitched up so I can calm down! Needless to say DH is beaming from ear to ear. I'm kind of excited. It makes me wonder about the whole thing of different genders affecting you differently pregnancy. I doubt there's any truth to it - but I will say that the morning sickness this time was simply insane. I'm still not out of the woods- but at least I don't feel miserable anymore!

Been quiet but all is still well.

Yes I still feel just like this - combined with the insomnia pic in the last post. Truthfully  - I'm struggling to stay functional. I don't know if it's because I crossed the magical 35 years old but this pregnancy is kicking my butt and I'm barely through the first trimester. I'm constantly fatigued but it's difficult to sleep. I get voracious hunger but want to hurl if I eat too much. I've got insane cravings for the strangest things - today was buffalo hot sauce with a greek salad ! Yesterday I ate 4 portions of greek salad - no dressing - for dinner! I'm actually just dying to have one day where I feel normal. I'd even settle for semi-normal. Add to that the international move planning and I just feel like a total wreck. I won't post much today - I'll just sign off saying - I found the baby's HB on the doppler.... so that should hold me through till my next scan on Wednesday!

zzzzzzzz......NOT!

I'm writing this at 5:30 am..... been up since 3 am. I woke up at 3 am for NO REASON. Actually that's not true. Since falling pregnant I wake up for any reason. Need to pee - wake up. Arm falls asleep..... wake up. Got gas - wake up. Thirsty - wake up. Hungry - wake up.... I'm so over this. A few weeks ago I was falling asleep during conversations..... now I'm up at 3 hours before the crack of dawn :(

I also think I'm hungry .... but I don't have the energy to forage for food. This is just a reminder of how I'm going to be sleep deprived for quite some time! Changing thought streams..... I also have made huge strides with our move. We have secured pet shipping. We're still waiting for our shipping company to come back with estimates for the shipping. We found a car storage company and have identified 11 potential places to rent. DH is also researching cars since he will have to purchase one a few days within arriving. Man oh man ... so many details and so little time...

Ok delirious woman signing off.....

I'm a little piggy sloth

I cannot begin to describe the magnitude of the fatigue I'm battling. This is almost as bad as when I had the PIO shots. I simply cannot stay awake. I feel like every time I put my head down - I wake up 2 hours later. Apparently I fell asleep talking to my nanny - SMH! I struggle to concentrate, I struggle to do my work, and I'm feeling like a total failure of a mother because I just don't have the energy to care properly for my little one. I haven't even had the energy to take her to a play date in over 2 weeks! Even picking her up from daycare is becoming a colossal chore. My days are actually filled with dread that my DH might ask me to do something I don't have the energy to. I'm feeling like such a slacker too - which just sucks. I know he wouldn't judge  - but I've always tried to pull my weight. Sigh.....

Now onto the eating!

I have to be honest - this is what I feel like - minus the belly. I don't understand it - I'm only 10 weeks - so it's not like I should need a huge caloric intake - but some days the hunger is literally unbearable. I feel like I have to eat hourly not to feel nauseas. It's simply madness. I didn't have this last time - so the idea of eating like this is so foreign. Also - I've lost 5 lb in 2 weeks eating like this - so I'm even more baffled. There's no joy in my eating right now - simply attempts to avoid bad feelings. I don't feel comforted or gratified by my food. I'm just always bleh.....

I know I shouldn't complain but today's my pity party ! Oh and whoever called morning sickness "morning sickness" - clearly has NEVER been pregnant!

9 week ultrasounds

Yep this is still definitely sticky bean territory

So do you see the other 2 sacs? My OB suspects I may have had as many as 3 eggs try to implant but only 1 took. DH nearly went white faced when he heard that. I still think it could be a sub chorionic hemorrhage. Either way he said there's no blood supply there - so we will see.....

Must fight the urge ....

To use the Doppler! I saw the baby on Friday - it's been only 3 days!

Going on week 2 of an off stomach

Ugh, yeah .... this ain't pretty. Fine I thought I had a stomach flu before I got pregnant. Now I know that was just pregnancy. The problem is I'm @ 9.5 weeks or so - and probably have another 3 - 4 weeks of this. I'm not complaining as such, and I haven't vomited THAT much but seriously .... I'm getting tired of constantly feeling like I may hurl in the next few minutes. Add to that the intense grogginess - and I'm just a hot mess.
This is so different from my last pregnancy where I had a bit of nausea, but nothing to this extent. I feel like I'm in a constant haze - and a total sloth. I have to eat hourly or the nausea comes back. The plus side is 2 weeks of this and I'm down 4 lb LOL! Anyway  not too much to report today - except - I'm not too far away from the second trimester - wooooohooooooo!

I think I found an OB!!!!

I think I found an OB to take care of me till I leave. He was willing to listen to everything I said, did urine samples, set my prescriptions for my lab work, and then even gave me a low dose progesterone prescription which I could take if it made me feel better. He felt my placenta looked good - and was established enough to sustain things but he said since I was on progesterone in the first trimester last time - it couldn't hurt to replicate that. He also was adamant he wanted to do all the screening for the baby before he scheduled my cerclage - so we know as best as possible that the baby is likely to make it. This was night and day from the other doctor who just shoved a wand up my whoohah - took a scan and scheduled my surgery. He had the type of equipment I'm used to as well and took lots of time to chat with us - even to discuss new tests that aren't covered by insurance but available if we want. I feel a whole lot better now - and can get focused on getting back to Atlanta


I'll be 10 weeks in just a few days - aaaaaaaah! Oh and something interesting - he saw 2 sacs that look like pregnancies that didn't make it. He wondered if I had 3 eggs drop. Can you imagine if that was the case? I'd have lost my mind if we had multiples.....

Worst OB Ever? But I saw my bean!!

Well there's good news here and some bad news. Well the bad news isn't really bad news! I went to the OB yesterday and I saw our bean for the first time. OMG - I used the term bean.... this is really happening! It's hard for me to get emotional yet - maybe after 12 weeks? Turns out I'm 8 weeks pregnant! Anyway - I basically picked an OB out of a directory for a private hospital I live near by. For those who aren't aware - private hospitals are considered better than government hospitals in South Africa. Given my background, I took extra effort to go over my medical background, my high risk status, and what I needed ( to replicate my protocol with my munchkin).

The nurse at his office assured me he was a great doctor and would take good care of me - after all - he was her dad! I could tell when she was taking my medical history that she was just filling out a form. She kept leaving off critical points which I had to push her to write down. They took my blood pressure, height and weighed me. That's all! Then I went to see the OB.

We talked a bit - he said because of my background I'd need a cerclage. I tried to talk to him about monitoring my hormones, progesterone supplements, etc and he brushed all of that off. He did a transvaginal ultrasound - measured the baby quickly, took the heartbeat and said - you're having a baby. He said he'd do my scan for Down Syndrome in 4 weeks and would do my cerclage on the same day. Then the appointment was over.

Now this is the FIRST time I've gone to an OB and not had a urine sample taken.  In fact here's a list of all the things he didn't do:

•  urine sample
•  blood sample
•  iron levels 
• discuss my risk factors
• check my ovary 
• pap smear
• discuss flu shots
• discuss my GD risk
• do a breast exam
• do any screening
• do an HIV test (not that I need one but isn't that standard!)
• discuss prenatal vitamins or supplements

He basically shoved a wand up my hoohah and said - you're having a baby - see you in a month! Needless to say - this was just another confirmation in my fears regarding doctors out here.We're in the process of sorting out logistics for the return back to the States to do my pregnancy here. Sigh.....
I can't really celebrate yet - because we have SO FAR to go but ... I saw my BEAN!!!!!

So it is roughly 7 hours away to my OB appointment - and I'm a nervous wreck. My Dr. Googling has me fixated on the fear that this could be just a blighted ovum. At first I thought it was my fear of being preggo at an inopportune moment, but I realize it's because I actually want this baby. Being an infertility sufferer and high risk pregnancy person ...... I'm always fearful that the worst outcome could be mine. I'm actually kind of sad that it's not an option for me to just be happy that I'm preggo. I'm always concerned about the odds of a negative outcome. Oh how I envy normal preggo women!

As for me, my symptoms have been ramping up steadily. Just 2 weeks ago I thought I contracted a stomach bug. Just yesterday nausea added itself to the long list of pregnancy symptoms I was feeling - and then the throwing up began. I puked for a good 10 minutes. I felt so bad because I've been solo with my toddler this weekend and she had to watch mommy puking and writhing on the floor. On a strangely happy note, while I was hunched over the toilet, she came in, put her hand on my back and rubbed it - saying shhhhh over and over. It almost made me forget the nasty screeching tantrum she threw at me that morning.

So when I list the symptoms I've been having - I almost feel like a fool for doubting that I was pregnant :

• 1 bout of severe constipation ( as in I thought I'd go to the emergency room! ) in December
• 3 weeks of very soft stools
• Last period in October 18th ( but I tested negative on a hpt in mid december)
• General low energy levels for a month 
• Severe fatigue for the past 2 weeks - falling asleep in front of people!
• Sharp pains when I take off my bra - early last week 
• Increased cervical mucus ( thought it was my PCOS and period trying to break through

Then I tested - and it feels like the symptoms are getting worse. Part of me was wondering if it's placebo - I saw the BFP - so now my mind is forcing the symptoms??

Either way - I feel for the poor OB who I'll be meeting for the first time. Hi , my name is ...., and you might want to sit down for my medical background. I basically plan on sharing the following details :

• 20 week miscarriage 2004  - due to incompetent cervix
• D&C
• PCOS
• The laundry list of fertility treatments before IVF ( clomid, diet, metformin, biopsies, HSGs)
• IVF pregnancy , high risk, cerclage, cervix shortening to stitch at 20 weeks, 17p shots, progesterone supplements, gestational diabetes, preterm labor, normal delivery
• I require a cerclage at 12-14 weeks ( see why I'm panicking ) 
• Benign neoplasm of the left ovary ( results non cancerous but lost the ovary to the tumor)
• Wedge resection on remaining ovary
• Surprise BFP - oh and I may have gone as much as 13 weeks preggo and might need a cerclage ASAP

Can someone tell me how a woman with PCOS and 99% of 1 ovary conceived when she wasn't even really trying??????

Yes my delusion is absolute

I tried convincing myself that my BFP wasn't real! Maybe the test malfunctioned ? Maybe I just imagined it? So yes I ran out and bought another test - and there I was haunted by the super dark line!!!! There's no denying there is SOMETHING in the oven. I want to be excited but the infertile in me is looking for confirmation that the pregnancy is viable before I can accept it's existence. Right now my paranoia has leaned towards a possible blighted ovum. I mean I have PCOS , one ovary , and my one ovary had a wedge resection! I shouldn't be able to conceive on my own!!! I have no reason to suspect one - but yet it doesn't seem possible that I could conceive properly on my own. So here I am - going nuts waiting for Monday when I can get real answers from a new OB. Then once I have an answer - I can address a whole longer list of things - like where are we having this baby!!

OMG a BFP?!

OMG.... I am completely confused. Not even sure if I can celebrate yet. So there's a whole story about why I'm not entirely happy that I got a BFP. Part of it is because I"m not really confident about having a baby where I am but the other is because I'm scared that my eggs aren't good quality.....

First let me apologize for how rambling this post is going to be. The last time I posted, I was upset that I had gained about 15 lb and have been unable to shake them. I also don't have the discipline I have needed to lose the weight. Although - now that my clear blue digital says I'm over 5 weeks pregnant - it may add some context to my failed attempts. I tested before christmas - but it was a BFN - but I wasn't expecting. I'm on day 98 of my cycle - so my last period started October 18th. Iv'e still been taking my prenatals ( just out of habit) - but I'm now remembering every glass of wine I've had over the past 2 months. It hasn't been a lot since I have no tolerance for alcohol anymore but still - now I feel completely like crap..

Last week my whole family came down with some kind of stomach bug - and my tummy has been off since - so I didn't think anything of it. I didn't have diarrhea - but my stomach just wasn't right. Then the fatigue set in a few days ago - and I thought - man this is a serious stomach bug. Then my breasts started to hurt - and that just made it worse. So yesterday I went and got a test..... and that's the result.

There's so much that I'm still trying to process. I'm still here in Cape Town - I don't want to deliver here. I'm not confident about health care here :( I don't want to do an international move while pregnant. I can't believe that with my one ovary I actually got pregnant. ( Random thought - I wonder if cysters with one ovary find it easier to conceive?? ) By getting pregnant on my own - I don't have to pay for an IVF cycle ( tons of money saved) . Oh and thank God for ACA - because I'll be fully covered for insurance. My old insurance dropped me when I tried to reduce my plan - saying I'm too high risk! I didn't take enough time to prep with weight loss / exercise / healthy diet - so I'm not giving my baby the best possible environment :(  Ultimately I'm terrified. My last pregnancy was filled with anticipation and fear. I basically couldn't even BEGIN to celebrate my pregnancy until I crossed viability. Then I couldn't really be emotionally engaged till she crossed over micro preemie risks -  but I never really came to terms with my last pregnancy until I held her in my arms. At this point - it's just a BFP. I'll find out next week if it's a blighted ovum, the real deal, viable, etc. So yeah - an emotional roller coaster is about to begin.....

I should say - I'm grateful.... I've spent a fortune fighting my fertility. I dealt with a cancer scare last year. I know it's a blessing to even see a BFP..... but it's hard for me not to feel the fears that I do.....