OMG.... I am completely confused. Not even sure if I can celebrate yet. So there's a whole story about why I'm not entirely happy that I got a BFP. Part of it is because I"m not really confident about having a baby where I am but the other is because I'm scared that my eggs aren't good quality.....
First let me apologize for how rambling this post is going to be. The last time I posted, I was upset that I had gained about 15 lb and have been unable to shake them. I also don't have the discipline I have needed to lose the weight. Although - now that my clear blue digital says I'm over 5 weeks pregnant - it may add some context to my failed attempts. I tested before christmas - but it was a BFN - but I wasn't expecting. I'm on day 98 of my cycle - so my last period started October 18th. Iv'e still been taking my prenatals ( just out of habit) - but I'm now remembering every glass of wine I've had over the past 2 months. It hasn't been a lot since I have no tolerance for alcohol anymore but still - now I feel completely like crap..
Last week my whole family came down with some kind of stomach bug - and my tummy has been off since - so I didn't think anything of it. I didn't have diarrhea - but my stomach just wasn't right. Then the fatigue set in a few days ago - and I thought - man this is a serious stomach bug. Then my breasts started to hurt - and that just made it worse. So yesterday I went and got a test..... and that's the result.
There's so much that I'm still trying to process. I'm still here in Cape Town - I don't want to deliver here. I'm not confident about health care here :( I don't want to do an international move while pregnant. I can't believe that with my one ovary I actually got pregnant. ( Random thought - I wonder if cysters with one ovary find it easier to conceive?? ) By getting pregnant on my own - I don't have to pay for an IVF cycle ( tons of money saved) . Oh and thank God for ACA - because I'll be fully covered for insurance. My old insurance dropped me when I tried to reduce my plan - saying I'm too high risk! I didn't take enough time to prep with weight loss / exercise / healthy diet - so I'm not giving my baby the best possible environment :( Ultimately I'm terrified. My last pregnancy was filled with anticipation and fear. I basically couldn't even BEGIN to celebrate my pregnancy until I crossed viability. Then I couldn't really be emotionally engaged till she crossed over micro preemie risks - but I never really came to terms with my last pregnancy until I held her in my arms. At this point - it's just a BFP. I'll find out next week if it's a blighted ovum, the real deal, viable, etc. So yeah - an emotional roller coaster is about to begin.....
I should say - I'm grateful.... I've spent a fortune fighting my fertility. I dealt with a cancer scare last year. I know it's a blessing to even see a BFP..... but it's hard for me not to feel the fears that I do.....
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