I can't believe it's been 5 days since my last post! I admit, I've had a rough couple of days. I've still been doing the work from home thing - but the work has been crazy. It's weird having a hard day at work while you're lying on the couch! Also, I just celebrated the passing of the micro-preemie status. I know this is a little celebrated milestone, but for me who is in fear of having a preemie, I feel better knowing we have a chance of having a preemie with better odds.
Also, it seems that now the baby has really started growing. I just feel like I'm being stretched in all directions. I don't really ever feel comfortable. If I lie on my back I feel heavy and uncomfortable. If I lie on my side, my baby wakes up - and thumps the side I"m sleeping on. I tend to wake up several times a night. I know they say this is preparation for those sleepless nights with a newborn - but wow - it's already taking its toll on me.
Another thing that's frustrating me is that although as the day passes, my risk factors decrease, I have this unshakeable fear. It's not associated with anything I've been feeling physically. In fact, this pregnancy feels great. My baby moves frequently, I have had no spotting, no cramps, and barely any contractions. Yet, after a second trimester miscarriage, waiting 5 years for a BFP, a harrowing IVF cycle, a failed fresh IVF cycle, finally getting pregnant, my cervix shortening, and now failing a glucose tolerance test... I feel like its delusional to think that this pregnancy will work out without complications. Of course my mom says things will be fine - and just be positive, but it's hard not to remember all of the things that can go wrong. I try not to let my emotions drift too far in that direction, because I think mental stress gets transferred to the baby.
On top of everything I feel lonely. Not lonely in the sense of not being around people. I've been very lucky, friends have come to visit me, my mom spent 6 weeks with me, my husband spends lots of time with me and I have people staying with me when he's not around. But I miss my life. I miss my freedom. I miss the things I used to do. I even miss some simple basic things, like being able to go upstairs whenever I wanted to. I am not afraid that my life will change after this baby comes, but I'm afraid I'll lose myself. I feel like I've been pregnant since July (when I started all the IVF stuff). I will literally go a year having given up my body by the time our baby comes. I plan to exclusively breastfeed, so I know to some degree I'm still giving up my body for at least 6 months after that.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining as such. I have absolutely no regrets and I would never change my mind about having this baby or future ones - but I have to admit, this whole process has taken quite the mental toll on me. Sorry for the rambling thoughts today... I was having trouble focusing! Must be my pregnant brain!
It must be incredibly tough being on bed rest, especially getting used to the whole idea. Although, like you said, it's worth it!
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