Can't believe my BFP was real

Of course it's way too early to start calling this a viable pregnancy, but I am jazzed to have had a decent first beta. If nothing else I feel like there's been some progress. On Monday I go again to do another beta, and the long road begins. I am sincerely hoping that this is the beginning of that long road. I'm conscious of all of the potential pitfalls - so I can't start celebrating too much, but I have allowed myself a tiny glimmer of hope and excitement that this might just be the one!

1 day till beta - Hi my name is Flowerchica and I'm a POAS addict.

This 2ww has been a total emotional roller coaster ride. The cycle was very easy - not painful at all. In fact it felt too easy . I am angry with myself for taking a HPT early, because I became totally enthralled with them. I had to keep testing - one in the morning and one in the evening. Since I tested early, I saw a very faint positive. So faint I couldn't be sure I saw it. that must made me bananas! I didn't feel any better. Now I was dreading waiting another 12 hours to test again. Then I tested and it too was a very faint positive. Now I'm not sure I've seen it at all. So I go to bed and was unable to sleep properly. I woke up at 3 am that night - UGH! I took another test - and this time I didn't want to squabble with the lines, so I took one with lines and one digital. The digital confirmed it with text Pregnant. One would think that getting a BFP would make me feel better but now my mind shifted to wondering about the quality of the BFP. I was able to pull myself back from trying to measure how dark the lines were, but I realized I'll probably still test every morning and night until my beta because I want to be sure there's still a pregnancy in there. Double UGH! I know there's no good rationale behind this. I understand why they advise women not to test. The testing doesn't relieve anything.

I'm absolutely terrified I'll have a bad beta tomorrow. I just want this to be all over and I either know I"m not going to have a baby or I find out that there's a strong little embryo in there! Triple UGH!

My first BFP? I'm too scared to call it

Ugh so I'm 6dpt5dt ( I think I've finally figured out the nomenclature) and I saw a super faint vertical line. I tested on 5dpt5dt and was hesitant to believe that it was a BFP. The line was there but it was sooo faint. Even today, at 6dpt the line is faint - but it's definitely better than it was on the 5dpt. I'm totally terrified to call it a positive, because that would have to mean admitting that there was hope for this. There are still so many questions I have, is it ectopic, is it really a positive? what if the lines don't get darker etc. My beta is in 3 days so I can wait for that , but I'm going to keep testing. Tomorrow morning I'll try a digital test and we'll see.

1 - So far it's Clear Blue 5dpt5dt - maybe it was a positive - but I thought it may have been wishful thinking
2 - Clear Blue next morning, 6dpt, I'm pretty sure this was a positive ( had to post the image to get other opinions)
3 - EPT that evening, still 6dpt, I'm pretty sure this was a positive too ( line still faint)

I can't celebrate yet - but I feel like I may have made it a bit further than my last cycle.....

Sorry ladies - this is the ranting of a woman who Peed on a stick one too many times - and still want to keep peeing!

3 days to Beta.......

Ugh..... well - doing an early POAS didn't make me feel any better. The plus side is it didn't make me feel any worse..... In fact, it was horribly inconclusive, but at least I felt like I was doing something.

At least my estrogen and progesterone levels were good.....I won't be crushed if it's a BFN, after all I decided that I'm going to do these FETs and IVFs until we're successful or can't afford it anymore. Whichever happens first..... but it would be awesome to end the year with a BFP.

I didn't think I'd be so preoccupied with the 2ww..... I was so much more calm and collected last time around. Brain is totally fried

Rationale of an early POAS’er

So I’ve gone over the charts over and over. I’m pretty much sure I’m about 3 days from being able to POAS with any kind of accuracy. I already went to the pharmacy and bought 5 early response HPTs so I can test pretty much every day until my beta. I’m approximately 4 days since my transfer, and I know I shouldn’t be getting a positive yet. That being said, I looked in my guest bathroom and found an extra HPT lying around from my last cycle. So I tested. It wasn’t a early response test. I didn’t expect to see anything – but I tested anyway.

I actually spent 2 days rationalizing why I would test early this time around:

1. I won’t consider a BFN on a HPT as a real BFN. The only BFN that counts is from my beta. I promised myself not to get upset if I see a BFN.
2. If I am pregnant, and my HPT can help me know that sooner, I’d rather put myself out of my misery of anxiety as early as possible.
3. Last cycle I waited all day for my doctor to call and I was literally glued to my phone. Don’t want to do that again.

So I tested today 4dpt and it was a BFN. Well, I actually think I may have seen an extremely faint line, but that might have been the result of me staring at the test way too long and wishful thinking. I didn’t see anything concrete enough to tell me it was a BFN or anything to give me hope that it wasn't. I didn’t expect to see anything, so I wasn’t disappointed. I kind of think it was like popping my POAS cherry for this cycle. I’m pretty much going to test every single night until I take my beta. I know people say don’t test early, but I think it’s ok if you keep a level head. I keep realistic expectations about what the HPT will provide – and just hope for the best.

Day 4 of the 2WW

Ugh, so I'm a little irked that I am not feeling more on this 2ww. Last time my uterus was dancing in all directions, but then again, that resulted in a BFN - so who knows. My boobs hurt like all hell when I take my bra off, but that's courtesy of the progesterone supplements.

Last night I felt my first twinge down there. Just a sharp sensation in my lower belly and then a flash of something on my lower back. Then it was gone. No idea if that was anything or something to get excited about. I also got real tired last night after dinner. Around 8:30 pm I was pretty much dozing off. I have no idea if that means anything either - double ugh!

I'm all frustrated, because the first time I was pregnant I found out at 9 weeks. Not a sign in sight! I didn't have any spotting, cramps, cravings, mood swings, or anything. In fact I only found out because suddenly I was completely exhausted and I thought I had a virus.

I've also had some crazy dreams lately. One where I was a mother holding our new child, another where I had a pet cougar. Another one where I was in a TV show (live studio ) and we were all on chairs 6 feet in the air on a small pole, so that we couldn't get up and leave. I have no idea of crazy dreams are a sign either.

6 days to go and I'm tempted to use a FRER test the day I test with my doctor. I hate waiting all day to get the results.

2WW anxiety - It’s just me, 8 days to go, and a racing mind

I consider myself a very rational person, but here I am on my first FET after a failed IVF cycle and I’m 2 days into my 2WW…… Yes I confess, I’ve googled “early 2WW symptoms FET”. I’ve walked around my house very gently, keeping my feet flat on the ground to prevent too much up and down motion. I’ve hesitated to go up the stairs because I don’t want to disk squeezing my uterus. I’ve actually tried to breathe deeply and fight the urge to cough for fear of squeezing my little embryos out. I looked at a hot dog and was so unsure if it was safe to eat – I nuked the hell out of it twice before eating it. I’m only eating warm foods and drinks at the insistence of my Acupuncturist. I keep my laptop near my knees so it doesn’t rest on my womb. I’ve sat silently and tried to listen to my belly to see if there’s anything going on in there. I’ve refused to lift anything over 5 lb.

This 2WW is horrible. It’s like this little monkey on your back. You can ignore it for a few minutes at a time, but it’s ALWAYS there – just waiting for you to acknowledge it. I’m not obsessing over this, but it is kind of frustrating waiting for something I have no control over. I so so so hope at least one of my beans turns into a sticky bean. A VERY STICKY BEAN!

Day 2 of the 2WW ( err 10 day ) Round 2

Well..... a few thousand dollars later and I've paid to have 2 more eggs dropped my belly to hope for the best. This time I had a FET cycle instead of a IVF cycle and I definitely liked it better. I'm still nicknaming myself a fish because they got 44 eggs out of me. Initially I thought I got only 6 embryos and that 2 had died. Turns out only 1 died - which is awesome because it means I spent 1 egg on IVF, 2 eggs on this cycle, and still have 2 frozen embryos left. Then even better - I still have 17 eggs in the bank!

Anyway I took the whole week as a work from home to try and keep my stress levels down. I did acupuncture for this cycle to help calm my nerves. Plus the research says it helps.

My transfer went off without a hitch. In fact it almost seemed too easy. Last time the doctor had to go digging for my cervix! Now it's pretty much up to my embryos and my womb to play nice and give me a BFP. I go back to work tomorrow, but I hate the waiting. After all I have no control over anything. The progesterone has given me a progesterack. And for those of you who are wondering what that is - well I jacked the term from another woman's post on another forum. It's pretty much your breasts after being on progesterone. Mine are HUGE!

I can only help that the relaxed nature of this cycle and using more than 1 egg will increase my odds of getting pregnant.

Furious with AF

Well... after my BFN - after my first IVF, I was looking forward to a long weekend. I had all kinds of festive activities planned. I was anticipating AF showing up about a week or so after I stopped my progesterone. In fact, I was expecting that worst case scenario, AF would show up right around the end of my weekend. Giving me at least 2 days of fun in the sun. Not only that - but I was looking forward to 5 days where I could actually enjoy some sexual activity with Dh. But NO - Mother Nature wasn't hearing any of that. 2 days after I stopped my progesterone... AF shows up! So I've had 1 round of sex in i think 6 weeks. Ugh!!! And my nurse warned me that this will be heavier than a normal period - as if a chick with PCOS knows what a normal period is!

So this is just my venting - because it's irritating that this is one more thing I'll have to give up for this. Can't exercise during cycles because of how sick I was, can't drink, can't take any caffeine, can't eat naughty things, and can't have sex. Ugh... is there anything else that this TTC mission hasn't taken away from me?

Embracing my first IVF BFN

Well I might as well just say it – I got my first BFN after my first IVF. I feel kind of weird about it. I mean I have been level headed through this entire IVF. I understood all of the risks. In fact, I haven’t shed a single tear through all of this (don't think that's normal). Every step of IVF is a huge question mark. You don’t know if you will get follicles, you don’t know if they will grow to full size, you don’t know if they will contain eggs, you don’t know if the eggs will fertilize, you don’t know if the fertilized eggs will develop, and then you don’t know if the embryo will stick. So you know better than to get your hopes up. But if all of that wasn’t enough – they give you progesterone which actually makes you feel pregnant. How much of a mind F&*K is that? Now you spend 2 weeks feeling pregnant while you wait to see if you really are. Through all of this you have to keep a level head and realize that nothing is guaranteed. I know that if you do IVF enough times – you’ll get preggers, but it just hurts when it doesn’t happen. SO I get my BFN and my mind sort of goes into a haze as the doctor babbles on about potential clotting factors and possible family background for heart attacks. Ugh… all I know is that we’ll be having a consult to discuss what went wrong and what could be done differently.

I don’t blame myself yet I feel like a failure. I feel like there’s something wrong with me. I feel like there’s something I didn’t do. I feel like if I had spent one more day resting, or perhaps not switched from PIO shots to suppositories or perhaps if I just wanted this baby a little more – I’d have gotten my BFP. I've been pregnant before so I know my uterus works - so why did it fail me now? I know none of these thoughts are rational – yet my mind keeps moving in that direction.

Now I have the pleasure of waiting for AF to come. Not only will this confirm just how NOT PREGNANT I am, but I have the pleasure of enduring another period with nothing to show for it. I then get to begin counting down to my next cycle. I’m already hell bent on doing as many cycles as I have eggs or at least until I get preggers. I guess I just have to channel my frustration into positive energy for the next cycle. It’s just hard right now.

So… IVF Score 2 – FlowerChica Score 0!

20 things I wish someone had told me about IVF

1. There’s no way to prepare for the ways the hormones will make you feel. You might feel nothing, you might feel completely off.

2. Every step of the IVF process is a question mark : Will your eggs mature, will you be able to extract enough follicles, will there be eggs in the extracted follicles, will the extracted eggs fertilize, will the fertilized eggs mature, will the mature fertilized eggs stick? Etc.

3. Vaginal ultrasounds are actually pretty invasive and can be painful. Not only that – but you may very well have to do them daily.
4. Subcutaneous injections are nothing to be afraid of. Scarier things will come after.

5. The doctors cannot predict how much ovarian stimulation medication you will need – so this is a big cost question mark! Assume the worst.

6. Intramuscular shots don’t hurt when you get them. Don’t be afraid of the needle! Be afraid of the pain that follows the morning afterwards

7. Do NOT inject an intramuscular shot anywhere near the middle of your butt cheeks – you will not be able to walk the next day. In some cases, for the next few days.

8. Progesterone makes you feel really pregnant. So after your egg transfer, you really feel pregnant – how’s that for screwing with your mind?

9. Having to hold your pee while you do the egg transfer sucks!

10. Egg transfers are not painless procedures. It might feel very uncomfortable and you’ll be tempted to piss all over the doctor trying to get that egg in.

11. A test run for an egg transfer is a very good thing!

12. Ovarian Hyper Stimulation is no joke – and it’s directly tied to the number of follicles you produce. Although rare, if you’re PCOS you’re really at risk. Drink water like you’re about to cross a desert with no supplies. Drink electrolytes like crazy and go on a super high protein diet.

13. Swollen ovaries hurt like all hell – and you can’t cough, have a full bladder, or laugh without discomfort. You also can’t walk right and have trouble sleeping on your stomach.

14. You probably need to take time off of work during your IVF process

15. Progesterone in oil shots can actually leave your butt cheeks misshapen, sore and lumpy for days, weeks, or longer

16. If you get pregnant – you may have 12 weeks of progesterone in oil shots

17. Even if you get a BFP after your IVF, it can still degrade into a BFN

18. Progesterone can give you horrible dizzy spells

19. You may find yourself quite immobile during your cycle – it’s not a bad thing to lose some weight before you start to offset any immobility related weight gain

20. Get a heating pad! It will help you in so many ways.

Dinner craving so crazy maybe I'm preggers?

Sigh - that's just my mind getting ahead of itself. With 7 days till I find out of I'm pregnant - my mind is starting to play tricks. but I was surprised at the dinner I made for myself. Since the prospect of having a child has motivated me to much better compliance with metformin - this is a metformin-safe dinner meal:

1 skinless bone-in chicken thigh roasted in the oven
4 100% whole grain crackers
2 slices of tomato
2 small strawberries
1 teaspoon hummus
1 teaspoon potato salad
1/2 a plum sliced
1 small clementine / tangelo <-- not entirely sure what kind of orange citrus fruit it is

I have no idea what motivated me to put this together on a single plate - but it's definitely hitting the spot tonight - YUM!.

Goodbye PIO Shots!!!

So my doctor let me switch to suppositories. I'm so happy. They finally conceded - I simply don't have enough booty to tolerate these shots. I'm so happy - I'll be able to walk in a few days

Next step in the battle with Progesterone in Oil shots

So I'm still struggling with these shots. Dh and I keep working on different techniques to alleviate the symptoms. Last night we did this :

1. Heating pad for 15 minutes
2. injecting higher ( near the very top of my butt )
3. 10 minutes deep strong massage in my cheeks
4. Heating pad for 20 minutes
5. Stretching exercises raising my legs to 90 degrees ( PAINFUL)
6. Heating pad for another 20 minutes
7. One more 30 minute massage
8. In the morning - gave myself another massage
9. 10 minutes on a treadmill - 1.0 on the speed, level 8 on the incline to stretch the butt

That's brought my pain from a level 9 to maybe a level 8 - 7.5 . I don't hurt as much when I walk but sitting is still painful. Also - sitting for any period of time creates pain when standing up and walking. Sigh*

Today I go and beg the nurse for a better regiment. I'm also getting my progesterone levels measured. I can't go back to work until I can tolerate sitting in a chair

Day 4 of the 10 day 2WW wait after my first IVF and ET

Ok - so this totally sucks. I've never been one to be obsessive about every possible symptom - but it's hard for your mind not to wander. I keep telling myself - even if I see something promising, I can't take it as definitive - so there's no reason to pay attention. So far I've had a bad dizzy spell 1 day after my transfer. I've also had some fluttering down there that has gone on for about a full day. I'd sort of call it really mild cramps!

I'm freaked out about sleeping on my stomach, but my bum is still sore from the PIO shots. Shamefully I've started taking my temperature, but this is useless since I didn't track my temperature through the full cycle.

7 more days until I test - I'm not going to do a self test. I don't want any of the agony associated with falsely positive or falsely negative tests.

Ugh!

An Ode to Metformin

Oh dear sweet metformin, bane of my existence
They say you’re here to treat my insulin resistance
You take the joy out of everything I eat
Restricting me to just veggies and meats
Goodbye all sweets, cakes, breads and fried treats
Whenever I eat you – I kneel to the toilet seat
But that’s not enough – you have to play tricks
Even when I behave I’ll still randomly get sick
Little white pills that pack such a punch
So tiny yet you can easily destroy my lunch
Pizza…pie…cookies… all things of the past
I have to behave or my tummy won’t last
And when I have to go – I have to go now
No matter where, No matter when, and No matter how
You’ve taught me that YES I can use public bathrooms
And that dignity is meaningless when your runny tummy looms
I love you and hate you all at the same time
But I take you daily until a new baby is mine

Just a little metformin rant........

Surviving my PIO shots

These progesterone in oil shots have been nothing short of a nightmare! I survived the daily injections, endless pills, painful vaginal ultrasounds ( looking for an ovary that hides under my intestine), and a bout of OHSS! I even have a slightly tilted cervix - so that made my ET incredibly painful. No wonder they were holding my hands down! But..... none of that even scratches the surface of the pain associated with my PIO shots. What sucks the most is that the injection doesn't hurt. Therefore you have no idea that you've done it wrong until you wake up in the morning. I used a heating pad for about 48 hours just to take the edge off the pain. I did learn later that sciatic nerve pain can be alleviated with heat ( for me ) but the ache from the shots can't

It has felt like a crap shoot this week - I just don't know if we did it right - and I have to wait until morning to find out. For the first two days we were on top of the butt cheek and hit my sciatic nerve twice. That completely crippled me. Fortunately it happened as my OHSS was starting to slow down - so I wasn't suffering from too much abdominal pain. And for those of you have never felt this - it's a SEARING burning pain when any pressure is applied to the buttock. It happens if you inject too close to the middle of your butt. DH and I have been trying different techniques - and this is what we're doing at the moment :

1. Take the shot standing up - leaning on the leg we're not injecting
2. Warming the needle in DH's hand for 5 minutes
3. 2 minutes of pressure with a gauze
4. 5 minutes of massage with a hot towel
5. 10 more minutes of massage until he feels like the collection of oil is gone
6. 10 minutes with a heating pad over the injection site

For now I can sleep on my side / stomach - with a pillow to raise any pressure off my belly. However, I don't know how I"m going to sleep if I'm really preggers.... It hurts to lean on one side!

I refuse to give up on these shots - but this has been a rough ride!

Day 1 of my 2WW err 10 day wait.....

OK first of all - my 2WW is really a 10 day wait. But hey - I'm happy for the 4 less days. I'm still struggling with the PIO shots - so I can't really move around much. I think waiting to see if this worked for 2 weeks is one thing - but being in excruciating pain in your butt cheeks while waiting is just darn right wrong!

I know my mind is going to play tricks on me. So far I have only had one of those - hmm.... wonder if that's because of implantation thoughts. I did my ET yesterday. I got a nasty headache that lasted about 45 minutes. I took my PIO shot - and woke up in horrible pain this morning. I didn't feel so hot, but I decided to take a hot shower. Those have really been helping. Talk about a total FAIL. I got a crazy dizzy spell as I was walking into the shower and DH had to catch me and help me hobble back into bed. I also had some weird hissing in my ears for 20 minutes. I decided screw working from home today - I need sleep....

I've been dozing on and off for the last 5 hours and plan to be in this bed for the rest of the day. So of course you know I'm asking myself ... I wonder what that headache was all about.......... what about the dizziness? Dizziness is how I found out I was preggers to begin with last time. But....who knows.... it's too early... still 9 days to go with my wait!! Ugh!

So i'm trapped in bed with my laptop, my thoughts, and hopefully a blastocyst that decided to camp out inside of me for 9 months. You gotta love it!

Waiting for my blastocysts

Now that I've survived by IVF and ER, I'm eager to see if my 6 embryos are going to yield 6 blastocysts. My insides still ache - I'm still scared that the embryos won't reach the blastocyst phase. I'm scared that we'll do 1 ET and I'll get a BFN. I'm scared I'll develop moderate to high OHSS . I'm scared my OHSS won't allow me to do my ET this month. Sigh - so many things to be afraid of.

My FIrst Injection

I've never given myself an injection before. Last night I gave myself my first shot with the gonal F pen. After watching the educational videos 4 times over - I did it. I could barely feel the prick from the needle. Of course now I have a little anxiety thinking this was too easy - so I had fears that the medicine didn't go in ... but it clicked enough times - I think!

I haven't felt any real side effects but I could feel the medication kind of spreading out . Not a pain or anything - just a subtle sensation that eventually dissipated.

So Total Fail

So I didn't post for like 2 years!!! Somehow I forgot the blogs were here. After 2 unsuccessful years on glucophage I'm trying nutrisystem diabetic. I don't know if it's any good - but I'll try to log some things around it.

Let's see - what else has happened....

I started playing soccer - needless to say I got injured after my very first game! But that's ok - I'm basically going to let my knee heal and I'm heading back out there. I'm pretty much playing with all guys - so it's a blast.