You would think that the last weeks of a high-risk pregnancy would be the best weeks. After all - we've crossed all of the danger zones. We're in the final stretch. I'm just 1 day away from being term, yet somehow I'm more anxious now than I have been all the way through this pregnancy. In my early pregnancy - I nested with crocheting needles. I made countless blankets, booties, hats etc. Once we passed viability and we creeped past the micro-preemie zones, I started to nest with my credit card. Before I knew it, the baby room was coming up nicely. Now we have every single thing we need for the baby - yet the empty nursery is driving me nuts. I can't wait to fill it with our little baby.
The frustrations of labor watch
When you have incompetent cervix, you have this ever-present fear of your baby falling out. You stay fixated on the fear that your cervix is going to absolutely give out at any moment. Then I crossed 36 weeks. My stitches were removed and then I was just so sure I'd go into labor. The peri warned me that it can take 1 - 2 weeks for labor to begin - but in my head - my cervix was so defective, it would just unravel and open up. Well here I am 7 days later, and my labor hasn't begun. My cervix dilated to 3 cm and 80 % effaced when the stitch was removed, yet here I am and I haven't gone into labor. My Braxton Hicks contractions are frequent but painless. I still have the lightning crotch that flares up every night and lately in the mornings I feel contractions. I never thought I'd be so eager to feel pain - but I just want to feel something definite. The wait is killing me.
Torn between wanting to meet her and wanting her to keep baking
Am I a bad mother because I'm eager for my baby to be born? I don't know why but I have slight fears about something going wrong. I know she will be fine during the birth but I don't think I can relax until I hear her cry and she's in my arms. So tomorrow I reach term. I never thought I'd get to 37 weeks but here I am! Now I know 39 would be better but I'm ok seeing her whenever she arrives. I just want some finality to this pregnancy and right now I feel like I'm just here for the ride.
Final thoughts
So I find myself walking past the nursery, waiting for the day I hear cries coming from that room. I'm fantasizing about when I can lay our baby down on the hand-picked bedding or changing table. I'm waiting to show her the nest that we painstakingly designed in preparation for her arrival. I'm waiting to show her the lions, birds, and other safari animals on the walls. I'm waiting to play lullabies for her to help her sleep. My nest needs a baby and I can't wait for her to come home.
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