Embracing my first IVF BFN

Well I might as well just say it – I got my first BFN after my first IVF. I feel kind of weird about it. I mean I have been level headed through this entire IVF. I understood all of the risks. In fact, I haven’t shed a single tear through all of this (don't think that's normal). Every step of IVF is a huge question mark. You don’t know if you will get follicles, you don’t know if they will grow to full size, you don’t know if they will contain eggs, you don’t know if the eggs will fertilize, you don’t know if the fertilized eggs will develop, and then you don’t know if the embryo will stick. So you know better than to get your hopes up. But if all of that wasn’t enough – they give you progesterone which actually makes you feel pregnant. How much of a mind F&*K is that? Now you spend 2 weeks feeling pregnant while you wait to see if you really are. Through all of this you have to keep a level head and realize that nothing is guaranteed. I know that if you do IVF enough times – you’ll get preggers, but it just hurts when it doesn’t happen. SO I get my BFN and my mind sort of goes into a haze as the doctor babbles on about potential clotting factors and possible family background for heart attacks. Ugh… all I know is that we’ll be having a consult to discuss what went wrong and what could be done differently.

I don’t blame myself yet I feel like a failure. I feel like there’s something wrong with me. I feel like there’s something I didn’t do. I feel like if I had spent one more day resting, or perhaps not switched from PIO shots to suppositories or perhaps if I just wanted this baby a little more – I’d have gotten my BFP. I've been pregnant before so I know my uterus works - so why did it fail me now? I know none of these thoughts are rational – yet my mind keeps moving in that direction.

Now I have the pleasure of waiting for AF to come. Not only will this confirm just how NOT PREGNANT I am, but I have the pleasure of enduring another period with nothing to show for it. I then get to begin counting down to my next cycle. I’m already hell bent on doing as many cycles as I have eggs or at least until I get preggers. I guess I just have to channel my frustration into positive energy for the next cycle. It’s just hard right now.

So… IVF Score 2 – FlowerChica Score 0!

20 things I wish someone had told me about IVF

1. There’s no way to prepare for the ways the hormones will make you feel. You might feel nothing, you might feel completely off.

2. Every step of the IVF process is a question mark : Will your eggs mature, will you be able to extract enough follicles, will there be eggs in the extracted follicles, will the extracted eggs fertilize, will the fertilized eggs mature, will the mature fertilized eggs stick? Etc.

3. Vaginal ultrasounds are actually pretty invasive and can be painful. Not only that – but you may very well have to do them daily.
4. Subcutaneous injections are nothing to be afraid of. Scarier things will come after.

5. The doctors cannot predict how much ovarian stimulation medication you will need – so this is a big cost question mark! Assume the worst.

6. Intramuscular shots don’t hurt when you get them. Don’t be afraid of the needle! Be afraid of the pain that follows the morning afterwards

7. Do NOT inject an intramuscular shot anywhere near the middle of your butt cheeks – you will not be able to walk the next day. In some cases, for the next few days.

8. Progesterone makes you feel really pregnant. So after your egg transfer, you really feel pregnant – how’s that for screwing with your mind?

9. Having to hold your pee while you do the egg transfer sucks!

10. Egg transfers are not painless procedures. It might feel very uncomfortable and you’ll be tempted to piss all over the doctor trying to get that egg in.

11. A test run for an egg transfer is a very good thing!

12. Ovarian Hyper Stimulation is no joke – and it’s directly tied to the number of follicles you produce. Although rare, if you’re PCOS you’re really at risk. Drink water like you’re about to cross a desert with no supplies. Drink electrolytes like crazy and go on a super high protein diet.

13. Swollen ovaries hurt like all hell – and you can’t cough, have a full bladder, or laugh without discomfort. You also can’t walk right and have trouble sleeping on your stomach.

14. You probably need to take time off of work during your IVF process

15. Progesterone in oil shots can actually leave your butt cheeks misshapen, sore and lumpy for days, weeks, or longer

16. If you get pregnant – you may have 12 weeks of progesterone in oil shots

17. Even if you get a BFP after your IVF, it can still degrade into a BFN

18. Progesterone can give you horrible dizzy spells

19. You may find yourself quite immobile during your cycle – it’s not a bad thing to lose some weight before you start to offset any immobility related weight gain

20. Get a heating pad! It will help you in so many ways.

Dinner craving so crazy maybe I'm preggers?

Sigh - that's just my mind getting ahead of itself. With 7 days till I find out of I'm pregnant - my mind is starting to play tricks. but I was surprised at the dinner I made for myself. Since the prospect of having a child has motivated me to much better compliance with metformin - this is a metformin-safe dinner meal:

1 skinless bone-in chicken thigh roasted in the oven
4 100% whole grain crackers
2 slices of tomato
2 small strawberries
1 teaspoon hummus
1 teaspoon potato salad
1/2 a plum sliced
1 small clementine / tangelo <-- not entirely sure what kind of orange citrus fruit it is

I have no idea what motivated me to put this together on a single plate - but it's definitely hitting the spot tonight - YUM!.

Goodbye PIO Shots!!!

So my doctor let me switch to suppositories. I'm so happy. They finally conceded - I simply don't have enough booty to tolerate these shots. I'm so happy - I'll be able to walk in a few days

Next step in the battle with Progesterone in Oil shots

So I'm still struggling with these shots. Dh and I keep working on different techniques to alleviate the symptoms. Last night we did this :

1. Heating pad for 15 minutes
2. injecting higher ( near the very top of my butt )
3. 10 minutes deep strong massage in my cheeks
4. Heating pad for 20 minutes
5. Stretching exercises raising my legs to 90 degrees ( PAINFUL)
6. Heating pad for another 20 minutes
7. One more 30 minute massage
8. In the morning - gave myself another massage
9. 10 minutes on a treadmill - 1.0 on the speed, level 8 on the incline to stretch the butt

That's brought my pain from a level 9 to maybe a level 8 - 7.5 . I don't hurt as much when I walk but sitting is still painful. Also - sitting for any period of time creates pain when standing up and walking. Sigh*

Today I go and beg the nurse for a better regiment. I'm also getting my progesterone levels measured. I can't go back to work until I can tolerate sitting in a chair

Day 4 of the 10 day 2WW wait after my first IVF and ET

Ok - so this totally sucks. I've never been one to be obsessive about every possible symptom - but it's hard for your mind not to wander. I keep telling myself - even if I see something promising, I can't take it as definitive - so there's no reason to pay attention. So far I've had a bad dizzy spell 1 day after my transfer. I've also had some fluttering down there that has gone on for about a full day. I'd sort of call it really mild cramps!

I'm freaked out about sleeping on my stomach, but my bum is still sore from the PIO shots. Shamefully I've started taking my temperature, but this is useless since I didn't track my temperature through the full cycle.

7 more days until I test - I'm not going to do a self test. I don't want any of the agony associated with falsely positive or falsely negative tests.

Ugh!

An Ode to Metformin

Oh dear sweet metformin, bane of my existence
They say you’re here to treat my insulin resistance
You take the joy out of everything I eat
Restricting me to just veggies and meats
Goodbye all sweets, cakes, breads and fried treats
Whenever I eat you – I kneel to the toilet seat
But that’s not enough – you have to play tricks
Even when I behave I’ll still randomly get sick
Little white pills that pack such a punch
So tiny yet you can easily destroy my lunch
Pizza…pie…cookies… all things of the past
I have to behave or my tummy won’t last
And when I have to go – I have to go now
No matter where, No matter when, and No matter how
You’ve taught me that YES I can use public bathrooms
And that dignity is meaningless when your runny tummy looms
I love you and hate you all at the same time
But I take you daily until a new baby is mine

Just a little metformin rant........

Surviving my PIO shots

These progesterone in oil shots have been nothing short of a nightmare! I survived the daily injections, endless pills, painful vaginal ultrasounds ( looking for an ovary that hides under my intestine), and a bout of OHSS! I even have a slightly tilted cervix - so that made my ET incredibly painful. No wonder they were holding my hands down! But..... none of that even scratches the surface of the pain associated with my PIO shots. What sucks the most is that the injection doesn't hurt. Therefore you have no idea that you've done it wrong until you wake up in the morning. I used a heating pad for about 48 hours just to take the edge off the pain. I did learn later that sciatic nerve pain can be alleviated with heat ( for me ) but the ache from the shots can't

It has felt like a crap shoot this week - I just don't know if we did it right - and I have to wait until morning to find out. For the first two days we were on top of the butt cheek and hit my sciatic nerve twice. That completely crippled me. Fortunately it happened as my OHSS was starting to slow down - so I wasn't suffering from too much abdominal pain. And for those of you have never felt this - it's a SEARING burning pain when any pressure is applied to the buttock. It happens if you inject too close to the middle of your butt. DH and I have been trying different techniques - and this is what we're doing at the moment :

1. Take the shot standing up - leaning on the leg we're not injecting
2. Warming the needle in DH's hand for 5 minutes
3. 2 minutes of pressure with a gauze
4. 5 minutes of massage with a hot towel
5. 10 more minutes of massage until he feels like the collection of oil is gone
6. 10 minutes with a heating pad over the injection site

For now I can sleep on my side / stomach - with a pillow to raise any pressure off my belly. However, I don't know how I"m going to sleep if I'm really preggers.... It hurts to lean on one side!

I refuse to give up on these shots - but this has been a rough ride!

Day 1 of my 2WW err 10 day wait.....

OK first of all - my 2WW is really a 10 day wait. But hey - I'm happy for the 4 less days. I'm still struggling with the PIO shots - so I can't really move around much. I think waiting to see if this worked for 2 weeks is one thing - but being in excruciating pain in your butt cheeks while waiting is just darn right wrong!

I know my mind is going to play tricks on me. So far I have only had one of those - hmm.... wonder if that's because of implantation thoughts. I did my ET yesterday. I got a nasty headache that lasted about 45 minutes. I took my PIO shot - and woke up in horrible pain this morning. I didn't feel so hot, but I decided to take a hot shower. Those have really been helping. Talk about a total FAIL. I got a crazy dizzy spell as I was walking into the shower and DH had to catch me and help me hobble back into bed. I also had some weird hissing in my ears for 20 minutes. I decided screw working from home today - I need sleep....

I've been dozing on and off for the last 5 hours and plan to be in this bed for the rest of the day. So of course you know I'm asking myself ... I wonder what that headache was all about.......... what about the dizziness? Dizziness is how I found out I was preggers to begin with last time. But....who knows.... it's too early... still 9 days to go with my wait!! Ugh!

So i'm trapped in bed with my laptop, my thoughts, and hopefully a blastocyst that decided to camp out inside of me for 9 months. You gotta love it!

Waiting for my blastocysts

Now that I've survived by IVF and ER, I'm eager to see if my 6 embryos are going to yield 6 blastocysts. My insides still ache - I'm still scared that the embryos won't reach the blastocyst phase. I'm scared that we'll do 1 ET and I'll get a BFN. I'm scared I'll develop moderate to high OHSS . I'm scared my OHSS won't allow me to do my ET this month. Sigh - so many things to be afraid of.

My FIrst Injection

I've never given myself an injection before. Last night I gave myself my first shot with the gonal F pen. After watching the educational videos 4 times over - I did it. I could barely feel the prick from the needle. Of course now I have a little anxiety thinking this was too easy - so I had fears that the medicine didn't go in ... but it clicked enough times - I think!

I haven't felt any real side effects but I could feel the medication kind of spreading out . Not a pain or anything - just a subtle sensation that eventually dissipated.