Am I an extended breastfeeder?

So this was inspired by a question An online buddy asked me. She asked if my surgery was inspiring me to wean my daughter or if I was doing the extended breastfeeding thing. For starters, I didn't know there was such a concept as extended breastfeeding. Of course I had to google it. And there it was - there's a line drawn in the sand at 1 year. Anything beyond that - and you are an extended breastfeeder!

So I have to wonder - when did this line get drawn? Why was it drawn? Am I slowly becoming a tree-hugging, barefoot, nuts/honey/raw vegetable munching, 5 year old breastfeeding crunchy mom??? Is there some weird transformation that unbeknownst to me I'm undergoing??

Before I breastfed, I thought I'd go for 6 months maybe a year. I actually hated breastfeeding. But here I am a year later. My kid nurses only once to twice a day and I don't feel inclined to lead her weaning. I'm thinking I will let her wean when she's ready. I dunno. This was a nice random thought late last night

My surgery story - part 3 - pain management ain't no joke

So my surgery was on a Friday. I was scheduled to be released on Saturday morning. When the doctor came to see me, he told me - no matter what they say, do not let them discharge you before you've had breakfast and lunch. He went on to explain that I needed to hold down the food with no nausea because if I got nauseas at home, I'd need to be readmitted.

For the first meals, I was on a full liquid diet. I was getting juices, water, broth, and apple sauce. I was able to hold all of that down. I was still in a lot of pain. They had me walking that night. On the first walk, I was able to get down one hallway and needed to turn around. On the second walk 4 hours later, I walked the whole ward. I wasn't feeling awesome, but I was feeling considerably better. On the third walk, I felt like I took a horrible step backward. I was only able to walk down the hallway and I was in excruiciating pain. The night nurse stacked morphine on top of my percocets but it just wasn't working.

In the morning, the doctor came to see me and reminded me about not letting them release me too soon. He also talked more about the adhesions from my childhood surgery. He pointed out that my scarring was really bad and he spent an hour doing a laparoscopic surgery just to remove the surgery before he could even do the robotic surgery. I told him my concerns with the pain medication. My prescription for when I was at home was for Lortab but the hospital was giving me percocets. Percocets were the stronger drug but it felt like they were having no effect. He told me he would put Todarol in my chart and it was an IV medication that may help. He also said - I should see how the Lortab works and if it was having no effect, I should do percocets.

He also asked me how I was dosing. I told him I was doing 1 - 2 percocets every 4 hours based on my pain levels ( which were hovering between  a 4 and a 6). He explained that I'll do better once I'm on a regular schedule. His explanation was that pain pills don't work well for getting pain under control. He said they worked best if your pain was under control and then they simply maintained that level. He also said, I should put addiction out of my my thoughts for now. He stressed taking what I need and then they would taper me down if need be. He also stressed that I don't just suddenly stop taking them either.

After he left I asked the nurse for the Toradol. Can I say - OMG - it made the world of a difference. It isn't a narcotic but it made my pain slide down to a 3/4 for the first time. I actually felt hope about being able to leave the hospital after that. Of course after he left, the nurse wanted to discharge me. I indicated that he said to wait after lunch and she begrudgingly agreed. I did fine with breakfast but when I ate lunch - the nausea started. It wasn't nausea like I was used to. I had a weird twinge when I was eating, but about 5 minutes later the saliva started flowing. I found myself spitting a mouthful of saliva every 60 seconds or so. It was so weird. By the time she came in, I had a friggin bowl of saliva. She gave me an injectable anti-nausea medication, and it started to slow down.

Finally by the afternoon, I was looking healthy enough to brave going home. They gave me another dose of percocet for the trip home - and off I went......

The next few days were full of crazy pain whenever I moved. My abs burn on the right whenever I move. 5 days later, I still need help getting in and out of bed. I'm able to walk around, but I'm still in a lot of pain. I did the walk of sharme as I had to call the doctor's office and asked for more pain medication. After my delivery, all I needed was an ibuprofen and I was good. This time around, I feel like I've been beaten. I have 6 incisions on my stomach and they are stitched on the inside and sealed with skin glue. My post op appointment isn't until the 6th - but I should hear about my lab work for my surgery next week.

Ultimately writing all of this down helps me process what's happened. I feel traumatized. I haven't quite come to terms with what's happened - but what's important is that the preliminary results were that no visible cancer. Now we hope the more thorough results confirm that as well..... We aren't completely of the woods - but we will be soon enough.

My surgery story - part 2 - post operation back to reality

So I woke up in recovery feeling like all hell. I looked over and noticed that I was in the same bed as my husband's friend's sister who was checking in at the same time as I was earlier. I tried to swallow so that I could speak, but my throat wouldn't respond. My throat was uncomfortable but it didn't hurt. The thing that was frustrating is that - my throat just wouldn't respond. I wanted to speak to the nurse - but I couldn't form any real words. After some time, I was able to say - I need water.

She gave me water and I guzzled all of it. I was able to drink the water, but when I tried to swallow my saliva, I still couldn't will my throat to respond. I had a passing moment of panic - thinking that my throat was somehow destroyed. I don't know how long I was in the post operative recovery unit - but it took me a very long time to feel normal. All through this - my throat felt like I'd been swallowing flour. I felt incredibly dry all over. My lips were cracked beyond belief. Then I remember being told, I'll be moved to my recovery room.

I remember watching myself roll to the room. I was transferred to a bed by the nurse and a tech. The pain was unbearable. It's like my insides were screaming every time I moved. Before I knew it - my husband and mom were there. My husband explained that the surgery went well. He explained that the doctor had scar tissue removed. My next question was - what about my right ovary??? My husband looked at me, his eyes dropped a little, and he said - he did the wedge resection on your right ovary. I gasped and asked him why. He said he had no idea why. The tears started flowing. A panic set in. I went into this surgery accepting the idea that I might lose one ovary but I still had my other lame ovary to work with. Now I was hoping nothing bad happened to the other one.

My mother was pro-wedging all along - so I could see she was secretly happy that he did it. I don't share her sentiment - I don't believe wedge resections are a viable treatment for PCOS and I certainly don't believe they are worth the risk. I simply felt violated. I felt like I let myself be vulnerable and someone did exactly what I didn't want them to. In between fits of tears and racing thoughts, I decided that I would let him explain what happened and why he did the wedge resection despite my not wanting one.

Later on the doctor came to visit me. We spoke at length. He mentioned that I had a lot of adhesions/scarring from my surgery when I was a baby. He said it complicated the surgery and I will be in more pain than usual because of that. He basically had to remove all of the scarring from my bowels before he could start the surgery. I asked him about the wedging. He seemed genuinely shocked that I didn't want it. At first he claimed I agreed. Then he said there was nothing in my file about not doing the wedging and said maybe no one told him. Then he finally just apologized and explained that although he thought it was a good thing for me - he was sorry. Funny enough - my anger went away at that point. I could only think that - what's done is done. There's no point in lamenting for my ovary - he can't un-wedge it.

The next set of hours were a series of crying spells, wincing in pain, and simply painful recovery. They were giving me percocets for pain. I don't have a lot of experience with percocets but I remember that they were the one pain killer that did work best for me. However, this time around, they weren't working at all. I kept asking for more - and the night nurse even gave me morphine on top of it. Despite all of that - the pain never got under control...

My surgery story - part 1 - pre-operation

In the midst of pains, weird dreams, pain medications, and racing thoughts.... I figure I'm feeling lucid enough to document what happened. As far as this posts's image... well I had my surgery done via the Davinci machine. It's supposed to have better recovery because it makes major surgery less invasive. Anyway - here's how it all went down:

I arrived at the hospital at about 5 am. Fortunately the parking deck was empty - so we even got free parking. Woot!

I was remembering a conversation I had with my mom the day before when she revealed she suffered from fibroids! I couldn't believe she never told me. The entire approach they took for diagnosing me might have been different had we known that information. But what can you do?

We walked through the maze of the hospital to get to the admissions office. IT was actually still closed, but as we were approaching, a security guard unlocked it and we entered. I met the woman at the front desk and she asked for my last name. I gave her my name and she handed me a folder and told me to go to the third floor. My mom, husband and I walked up to the third floor. I checked in with the nurse there - and she  indicated that she would check me in soon. She took my advance directive and checked me in. I was taken alone to the pre-op area to get ready. There I undressed, put on a gown and laid down in a room the size of a closet.

After a while, a nurse came in and tried to put in an IV. Of course she struggled the same way they struggled when I had pre-term labor. This time around, I was dehydrated because I'd been pooping water for 14 hours. Funny thing, all I could think was PLEASE don't let me crap on the operating table. They did make me drink an entire bottle of miralax the day before! The nurse was using lidocaine to numb my skin before they stuck me. Finally after several failed attempts, the nurse brought in a colleague who was able to do it. She insisted on doing it without the local anesthetic - and go figure - that worked! Once the IV was in, they brought my mom and my husband in. Shortly thereafter, the anesthesiologist came in to talk about my history. Then my surgeon came in. We spoke a bit. He wanted to confirm about the previous surgeries so he knew what to look for. I've always known I had 3 kidneys and one removed when I was a child. Suddenly my mom pipes up and says - umm...no! It was 2 urethras! The surgeon corrects her - you mean 2 ureters? From the kidney? They go back and forth, but ultimately he confirms that it was 2 ureters from my kidney - not 3 kidneys and not 2 urethras. The doctor answers my questions and we're good.

Now here's the moment Im' kicking myself for. I asked the doctor, "we're just doing the left mass and maybe the left ovary right? "I should have explicitly said - "no wedging of the other ovary". But I didn't. He confirmed only the left ovary and they let my mom and husband go. You'll see later why this was so critical.

The next thing, they were giving me a heparin shot in my stomach. They wheeled me into the operating theater. I was shifted onto the operating table, and I saw the anesthesiologist's head pop up. He mentioned they were going to give me some gas and pain medication.  I looked around and saw the davinci machine all covered in plastic. I also remember looking at the ceiling and thinking - that while the room looked clean, the tiles on the ceiling didn't look spotless... hmmmm....They put some gas over my mouth and nose. I felt that the nozzle wasn't sitting quite right. I mentioned that the nozzle was off a bit and they quickly readjusted it. The next thing I remember was waking up in recovery room feeling like I'd swallowed a pound of flour....

The mass is out - I'm cancer free!!

I will post more - but they removed the mass and my left ovary. I'm still in hospital. Oh and no cancer!!!

I will be back late to post the entire story. But here's the quick and dirty. The mass was the size of a peach. It. basically mangled my left ovary. So I lost the ovary. The doctor also resectioned my right ovary to alleviate some of my PCOS. That was against my wishes but that's a story for another day. Today I'm just focusing on the fact that I don't have cancer!

He also addressed an abdominal scar I've had since I was 11 months old to make it smaller. I'm in a good deal of pain - but the pain killers are keeping it at bay. I'll post my full story after I get discharged.


**correction** he addressed internal scarring from a previous surgery. He didn't make my scar smaller. I was clearly loopy on the meds when I posted!

Ever taken a whole bottle of miralax?

I just realized I forgot to document this! So my bowel prep for this surgery called for 2 days of a liquid diet and to chug an entire bottle of miralax (238 grams) in 32 ounces of Gatorade. Despite the "wrong" oily texture of the liquid - I realized if you put a ton of ice in t - it becomes more tolerable. I still tasted nasty but I was able to get through the 4-5 glasses of stuff. Then there was the GI side effect.... I was bracing myself for explosive diarrhea. I'm so used to metformin / glucophage and it's explosive nature, I was pleasantly surprised. I mean I still peed out of my butt for 6 hours , but I didn't have the pain that comes with metformin. I never knew you could crap damn near clear water - but its true - it can happen and it did! It also gave me some crazy fatigue and nausea but I was able to avoid hurling. It's 10 pm at night and I'm scared to sleep because I don't want to crap myself lol. Other than that - I'm sooo ready to get this over with!

T minus 1 - tomorrow's the day

I guess I should write something. I'm not terribly concerned about how this surgery will go - but there's always that nagging feeling. It's the what if? I mean you hear about people going for routine procedures and ending up a vegetable. I know this is morbid talk for the night before my operation.

Despite my confidence, I hugged my daughter a little tighter today. I sacred the time with my mother as well. And I took lots of moments to reflect on how awesome my husband has been. I have a good life at the end of the day. - and I'm not ready for my battles to be over.

Anyway - hopefully my next post will be about how wonderful IV pain killers are LOL. Oh yeah and a bit about my prognosis .....

Just 3 days to go

It's so weird waiting for my surgery. My head is filled with pre-surgery details, thoughts about the mass, trying to plan for afterwards, trying to understand how I will cope without being able to carry my little one, etc.

Yesterday I picked up my prescriptions. I thought it would be only my flagyl ( meds to make me crap water) but they gave me my pain killers as well - lortab. I've never taken it before but I assume it's like oxy, Percocet, Vicodin and any of their cousins.

My mother arrives tomorrow and I also start the liquid diet for bowel prep tomorrow. Sheesh! I think wednesday will be ok. It's Thursday with only Gatorade and flagyl that will be questionable! Anyway nothing major to post - just wanted to check in and jot down some thoughts.

T-Minus 8 till this peach sized mass is removed

OK - I admit it - I'm starting to get scared. I've actually been nonchalant about this surgery up until now. I guess I should give an update on what's happened in the last several weeks.

So I got my pre-op appointment on July 10th. I went there 2 days ago. I thought it would be a quick consult with a nurse and some bloodwork. It turned out to be a 5 hour affair at the hospital. It started with my consult with the nurse. We talked about the procedure, my pre-op bowel prep (more to come later on that, my ultrasound and MRI results again, breastfeeding on the medications, my medication list, and recovery restrictions. Ugh! I was concerned about my surgeon's desire to wedge my right (healthy) ovary. She said he had notes stating he would only remove the left ovary if necessary - but he would leave the cervix, uterus, and right ovary alone so I could preserve fertility. Also - instead of taking my mass out and giving it to the pathologist while I was under, they would just remove it and end the surgery. Then if it turn out to be cancerous, we can make decisions afterwards. I am feeling so much better about that.

I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to breastfeed during this process. I'm also worried about breastfeeding after - since I'll be on percocets or Lortabs.... but I will talk to my OB. As for the results - well this thing is the size of a peach. If I didn't know better - I'd swear it was getting bigger!! Anyway - it needs to come out. I still don't have any cramps, pains etc. It's hard to believe I have something this size inside of me and I can't feel it!

So here's the worst piece of news in all of this - I have 6 weeks of restricted activity. I cannot lift anything for 6 weeks! That means I can't lift my daughter for 6 weeks. I'm going to have to delay her potty training because of that. I also will have to take a 6 week hiatus on my running :( I am going to have to see if between my daughter's nanny and her baby sitters if we can get a rotating schedule that works - because I can't really do much as a mother if I can't lift anything. Ugh.

After all the consult stuff - I went over to hospital admissions to get started. The admissions was straight forward, but they convinced me to do an advanced directive. I always wondered what that was. It's basically a document determining how I want to be cared for in case I'm incapacitated. Furthermore, it identifies a health agent to speak in my behalf. So no laughing, but I thought about how my husband is going to be my health agent and we just took out insurance policies on each other LOL!!! Doesn't that sound like the beginning of a story on Investigation Discovery? LOL! Fortunately there's a clause in there for the doctor's to supercede your health agent's wishes if they feel that your health agent isn't behaving in your best interest. Sheesh!

After the admission, they gave me a green hospital band so I could be admitted for my pre-op labwork. I went over to admissions where I got a $970 bill for my coinsurance ( 10%). Thanks crappy US medical care system! And that's with pretty decent insurance! After I finished with the financial team ,I began my trip through the maze of the hospital.

For starters, I came up on the wrong elevator. I ended up in some lab. I pinned down a nurse and she walked me over to the pre-op area. I checked in and sat down. I realized that I was exhausted and started dozing in the waiting room. Finally they called my name 30 minutes later. I was taken back to sit with a very pleasant and bubbly nurse.  She gave me a urine test, blood pregnancy test, took about 6 vials of blood, and gave me an EKG. I have a lot of cleavage, so she had to lift one of my boobs to get a good reading - awkward!

Finally she reconfirmed my information and gave me a red hospital band. She explained that they did a type and screening on my blood and blood would be pulled out of the bank for me for my surgery in case I need it.  She explained that I cannot take the band off until after my surgery. If I did, my surgery would be cancelled / rescheduled. So here I am walking around with a hospital band for 10 days. When she was done, she sent me off to get an X-Ray. That was ridiculously fast, and then I was done!

Of course with my luck, with all the zigzagging across the hospital, I forgot how I got back to the car. I finally made it out of the hospital only to find myself 2 blocks of so from the parking deck! I dragged myself out there and got in the car.

I think before all of this - I mean I knew I was going for surgery - but this feels so much more significant than the previous ones. I'm just so ready to get this over with and to get a real diagnosis!