All the things they should have told me about pregnancy and having a newborn

So I admit - I watched a birth story and looked at youtube videos to try and prepare myself for my child's birth. However, I feel very bamboozled about what I was expecting for my pregnancy experience. I don't have any regrets but there are many things that people just don't tell you when you are getting pregnant. Here's my running list so far :

1. Morning sickness / vomiting is bad - but having 12 weeks of dry heaves and the urge to vomit is even worse!
2. Pelvic Girdle Pain is real and hurts like all hell. It feels like someone is pulling your pelvis apart from the middle. 
3. You  can bleed for up to 8 weeks after your delivery. 
4. Epidurals do fail - and if you're on pitocin, the contractions will feel like death. 
5. Having your water broken is not painful or uncomfortable at all. 
6. Once your water breaks, you'll be oozing hot fluid until your baby is born.
7. Your baby can poo in your amntiotic fluid - and that can give your baby a trip to the NICU if it affects their breathing.
8. There's an unholy mixture of meconium, amniotic fluid and blood that can come out of you after the placenta passes!
9. The midwife / nurse may massage your uterus to push it down after the delivery. That massage does not feel good.
10. You may be put on pitocin for up to 12 hours after your delivery to help your uterus cramp down.
11. Breastfeeding is incredibly painful - and can send knife-like sensations up your breast. 
12. When your baby is born, you'll only have colostrum coming out of your nipples and it takes a lot of work to get the colostrum to come out. 
13. Pumping colostrum is a joke, at best you can hope to get 20 drops at a time. You may have to finger feed your baby that colostrum.
14. Breastfeeding after birth can give you very painful cramps in your uterus. This is normal.
15. If you sleep when your baby sleeps - you'll never have time to pump milk.
16. Having a cerclage removed can be an incredibly painful experience. 
17. It's possible for your cervix to grow over your stitches in your cerclage. 
18. Progesterone-in-oil injections can be incredibly painful 
19. Betamethasone / celestone steroid shots burn like all hell - but if you need them you'll only need 2
20. 17p shots don't hurt that bad - even though they use a horse needle
21. You can tear during delivery - but its not that bad. 
22. Your first poo after a vaginal delivery is the scariest poo you will ever take.
23. Even if you don't believe in co-sleeping, your baby will find their way into your bed - if nothing else out of frustration from the late night cries.
24. With your newborn.. you may have to do up to 15 diaper changes a day
25. Don't make a birth plan - you're just setting yourself up for disappointment

Will breastfeeding be my ticket to winning the weight war?

Well I've managed to be just 19 days past my baby's birth and I'm now under my pre-pregnancy weight. Like all women I have a distorted view of who's in the mirror, but my husband swears he can see weight loss. And he says it's not just the belly - even the problem areas are starting to shrink. What can I associate this with? I'm thinking it's the fact that I didn't gain a lot of weight in my pregnancy and then I'm breastfeeding. While breastfeeding sucks (YES I SAID THAT), it seems to burn an insane number of calories and it seems to get some hormones going. As a result,  I may actually be able to lose weight while I'm recovering from this pregnancy.  We all know that weight loss is the cornerstone of beating PCOS symptoms. In fact, my first pregnancy was a surprise BFP while I weighed 165 lb. I haven't weighed that in almost 6 years or so. I'm only 15 lb from there now - so I'm hoping for the best. I would love to have a BMI that's well in the middle of normal instead of on the higher end of normal / lower end of overweight.

Sorry for the scant posts lately. Needless to say motherhood with a newborn has eaten a huge chunk of my spare time.

2 weeks after delivery and back to pre-pregnancy weight - Take that PCOS!

9 months ago - I had this fear. Having PCOS, I was convinced that I was going to have to eat like a bird to prevent my weight from exploding. After all, PCOS has conditioned me into having a love-hate relationship with food. Yet somehow, during this pregnancy, my weight has been awesome. In fact it's been better than awesome. I went through the bulk of my pregnancy not having gained more than 15 lb. Then in the last week I gained 6 lb and then I delivered. Who knows what that 6lb was.

I'm proud to say, I'm already packing away my maternity wear. I was so jazzed to pull out my size 10 ultra low-rise jeans and they fit! In fact they had some room to spare and needed a belt :) I hopped on the scale and I'm right at my pre-pregnancy weight. Only 2 weeks after delivering my baby. I feel so lucky. It seems that somehow although PCOS has wreaked havoc on my body, I got a free pass in this pregnancy. I didn't gain any huge amounts of weight. My weight came right off and Id on't seem to have extra fat stores.

Now I do have my pooch and my tummy is a bit stretched out more than it was - but I'm feeling confident that it will return to it's not so impressive but not so noteworthy state.

I'm also breastfeeding - well attempting to. I had fears about having no milk or low milk supply. I really should have been afraid of my baby chomping on my nipples like a barracuda! That being said, I'm able to breastfeed her ( with formula supplements) and I'm pumping as well. So who knows.... with the lack of weight gain and the breastfeeding, I might actually come out at a good 10 lb under my pre-pregnancy weight. Any time that a cyster can end up in a situation where weight loss comes easy... we should celebrate!

Wordless Middle Finger to Infertility #1

Life after winning the battle - the path forward

Sorry that my posts have been a little few and far between. Having a newborn is no joke and we've quickly realized just how much we have to arrange our lives around our new addition. As I was sitting here contemplating the next direction of my blog - I sort of made a decision. There are way too many blogs out there about motherhood, being a new mom, and having kids. I'm not saying that I won't share that part of my life, but the reality is that although I've won the war against infertility with this successful pregnancy  - I still have an uphill battle getting my reproductive system back on track.

I plan to actually take a different approach to restoring my fertility. For starters, I have about 9 months to a year before we start trying again ( yes I decided I think I will try for a second baby!). I'd like to see if I'm able to restore my ovulation cycles on my own. I want to see if I can manage to get into shape with a new baby in my life. I keep having this vision of doing pushups with her sitting on my back. I can't wait until I'm allowed to work out again. I have a treadmill at home and I plan to lay her on the bed, hop on the treadmill and hope the sight of me working out is enough to keep her entertained :) OK I digress!

My point is that the battle for this infertility warrior isn't over. PCOS has dominated my life for the last 6 years or so - and affected my life for much longer than that. I know it's still lurking in the background and I plan to beat it into total submission.

That's all for now - my baby girl has started fussing and I need to be a mommy now :)

Score: Me - 1 Infertility - 0, An Infertility Warrior's Birth Story

It sounds like a complete oxymoron - I'm an infertility warrior who is writing about her birth story. That being said - what good is battling infertility if you can't have a victory? On Saturday our bundle of joy was born. My entire battle with miscarriage, infertility, PCOS, incompetent cervix and ultimately a high risk pregnancy was riddled with setbacks and challenges. So it is only fitting that my delivery (the ONE thing I wasn't worried about) ended up being just as painful and traumatizing as everything else I had to deal with to get to this point. As bad as this 12-hour labor was, I was happy that I got to take my baby girl home.

On Saturday I had an induction. I also elected to have an epidural. Now I can tolerate pain as well as the next person, but I don't believe in being in unnecessary ( aka elective) pain. I'll start on Thursday before the induction. I went in to see the midwife. She offered to strip my membranes ( OUCH). After that she told me I might deliver at any point. She was just about to schedule my week 40 appointment when I reminded her that I had gestational diabetes and was supposed to deliver before 40 weeks. She quickly changed her tune and scheduled my induction. It would be at 5 am that Saturday.

At 4 am DH and I got up and made our way down tot he hospital. I had been actively emptying my colon for the 2 days before because of fears of crapping myself while delivering. I hear that happens a lot so I didn't want to increase my chances. We got checked in around 5 am and by 5:45 or so I was in a labor and delivery room and hooked up to an IV. This time the IV experience was positive. It was nothing like the IV fiasco that happened when I was dehydrated. The nurse got me started on pitocin and they ran that for a couple of hours. Somewhere around after starting my pitocin, the midwife came in and broke my water. It wasn't a bad experience. It felt like warm water trickling out of me gush by gush. She asked the nurse if she felt that the amniotic fluid looked stained. She told the nurse to make sure that the respiratory team was on site when my baby was born. She explained that it's precautionary - but she thought there was meconium in the amniotic fluid. If there was, my baby might need a little help breathing - so they would be in the room.

 I felt mild contractions, but it wasn't bad at all. I opted for an epidural as my pain relief. A few hours into my pitocin, the anesthesiologist came in to do my epidural. He seemed like a nice enough doctor. He explained the epidural process to me and went ahead and put it in. I felt the numbing work its way down my leg - and ahhhh - I calmed down. I knew that pain relief was soon to follow.

Once the epidural kicked in, they decided to crank up my pitocin. I felt mild cramps here and there but nothing major. An hour passes and I notice that I'm starting to feel contractions more. That didn't bother me but it got to a point where my pain level was about a 6. Now the continuous epidural has a button where you can administer more medication to yourself. I clicked on it too many times trying to slow the pains, and it cut me off and wouldn't up my dose any further. The nurse called the anesthesiologist and his physician's assistant came in. She offered to make me comfortable and added some more medication to my IV. By now, I was feeling full on contractions, but still only a level 6. My pain levels didn't change with the new dose. I also noticed something strange.... my feet weren't feeling numb at all. In fact, my knees were feeling ok. I started moaning from the pain and asked the nurse to get me some pain relief. I said something was wrong.

The Physician's assistant eventually arrived, 30 minutes later. She mentioned that she had to re-dose me. I heard another woman yelling in pain faintly in the distance. By now I was having trouble tolerating the pain at all. She put 3 vials of something and added Fentanyl to my IV. I kept trying to tell her - it's not the medication - I'm not numb any more. She leans over and says - I tried to tell the doctor  your epidural is probably failing - but he wants me to change your dose first. Well she changed my dose and there was absolutely no change. In fact, at this point the contractions were coming every 60 - 90 seconds. They were well over level 10 pains. The nurse tried to tell me to breathe through the contractions but they were so bad I couldn't breathe.  Every contraction made my lungs and heart sieze up and my heart rate went crazy. My baby's heart rate was jumping all over the place because I couldn't breathe. I started to panic. I told my husband - I'm dying.... I can't do this. I won't be able to push even if the baby comes. I need help - please!!!!! I was crying and screaming hysterically and I just knew I was going to die. I was also scared because I knew with the pain I was in - I couldn't push - and if I couldn't push I'd need a c-section....but if they couldn't do an epidural I couldn't do a c-section. I was terrified that we were going to lose our baby.

Finally the nurse goes and grabs the anesthesiologist. He tries to ask me about my pain level - all I can do is cry and moan. He tells me it seems the epidural has failed - so we will need to do another one. He asked me if I could sit up. I tried, but I didn't have the strength - plus the contractions were just coming non-stop. So they helped me on my side. I had to pause every time a contraction came because I just couldn't even breathe. He puts the epidural in and says he's going to use a drug that works faster. Well the drugs did work, and my pain levels came down - and I was able to talk. I was able to mention to the nurse that I felt like pushing when those contractions were going on. And then I passed out..

WTH? Well it turns out that the anesthesiologist - in an attempt to address my pain management quickly - ran my medications too fast. That made my blood pressure crash. And when I say crash - I'm not saying going kind of low - it dropped to about 70 / 30. I vaguely remember people frantically putting things in my IV. I remember being given epinephrine in an attempt to stabilize my blood pressure. I kept panicking - and I remember telling my husband that I think I'm dying. I was crying hysterically because I was too exhausted to push. I told my husband - even if they stabilize me - I don't know if I can actually push. Eventually they managed to get my blood pressure under control. It leveled out around 90/45 or so. I was so out of it I didn't have the wherewithal to ask how my baby was doing. When I started to get back to normal,  I sort of came to and told the midwife that I thought it was time to push.

She checked me and said - yep I can feel the head - and WHOA there's a lot of hair. So they put me in stirrups, my husband held one of my legs and we started pushing. I noticed that the respiratory team was standing by in my room. By then my contractions were still going strong but they felt like mild pressure. Every time I felt some pressure, I pushed 3 times. The whole process took only 20 minutes or so. When I gave the last push, I felt sort of a pop - and my baby was out. They put her on my stomach and before I knew what was happening - she grabbed my finger and I cried. I couldn't believe I was holding my baby. I expected them to start rubbing the baby to make her cry - but they said they wouldn't do that. My baby made a few weak cries but had a very strong grip on my finger. I asked them if she was ok - and they said she was good.

Then they handed my baby over to the respiratory team. My husband got a chance to cut the cord and the midwife worked on getting my placenta to pass. The respiratory team got to work on my baby. They were spanking her on the back, rubbing her and getting her to respond. Then they said , well she's having some trouble breathing. We're going to have to take her to the NICU. We don't know how long it will be. She might be there for a few hours or a few days. I shed some tears and told my husband to go with her. They assured me I'd get to see her before she went. Right before they left, they literally held her over me so I could touch her and then whisked her off.

I cried hysterically in the bed. The midwife got to work stitching me up ( although I didn't know what was what she was doing at the time). I was bleeding quite a bit and sort of out of it. I remember hearing the nurse and midwife talk about how many units of blood I'd lost. They kept running the pitocin IV to get my uterus to cramp down. I remember them massaging my stomach over and over to try and press down on my uterus.

It felt like an eternity, but my husband returned to the room to tell me what happened to our baby. He said she's in the NICU. She has a lot of meconium in her lungs. One lung cleared, but the other one isn't clearing on its own. They have her on oxygen and are working to clear her lungs. I was just completely devastated. My little baby was struggling and I couldn't be with her. They finally stabilized me in the labor and delivery room and prepared to transport me to the recovery room upstairs. When I got up there - I had a nurse and a tech monitoring me. They kept checking my vitals and checking my bleeding.

They told me that my first three trips to the bathroom would have to be with their assistance. By this time, my husband had been to the NICU to tell me that our baby was still ok but not ready to be released. They were trying to lower her oxygen levels but she would start hyperventilating. We called the NICU probably hourly asking for updates as to how she was doing. They also told us they thought she had an infection and were giving her antibiotics. I was feeling strong enough to go tot he bathroom, so I called the nurse. They helped me out of bed, and I walked to the bathroom. I looked back and I had poured blood all the way from the bed to the bathroom. That was the most stressful bathroom trip I'd taken. They still had me on a pitocin drip. Hours passed, and I did 2 more trips to the bathroom. I was still bleeding, but I wanted to see my baby. The nurse allowed my husband to take me to the NICU.

They put me in a wheelchair stacked with towels and I put the IV machine between my legs and off we went. I got to the NICU and emotionally broke down. My husband was too uncomfortable with picking her up because she looked so fragile. I asked the nurse if I could hold her. In my mind, if she didn't make it - I wanted a chance to know my baby. I held her and she just looked so helpless and so fragile. I cried as I held her. I think we spent maybe 45 minutes with her  -and then I felt nervous that I might be holding her back from her treatment. The NICU nurse put her back on the machines and my husband wheeled me back to the recovery room. I cried the whole way back to the room.

When we got back to the room, I felt such a sense of emptiness. It reminded me of how our house had this beautiful nest for our baby and there was no baby. We were sitting in our recovery room after a delivery and it was still just the two of us. The nurse and tech kept working on me- and somewhere around 10 in the morning, they told us, they are going to release your baby to you. Around 11 or so, they brought her in to our room and I cried again. I just held her and held her and didn't want to let her go. I couldn't even let her sleep in the bassinet. She basically slept in my arms for the next 24 hours. They still had her on antibiotics. She had her left arm all wrapped up with an IV line. It just broke my heart to see her so fragile. They came in and would work on her - and I cried listening to her cry as they flushed her IV. My recovery was fairly non remarkable after that.

I didn't need pain killers. She was doing great so they agreed to release me. They were still keeping her but I'd be allowed to stay in the room with her until she was released. Several hours after releasing me, they agreed that she was doing good, so they released all of us.

We took that first drive home and I shed some tears but I was so happy. She's absolutely beautiful. She's mine and to me she looks like a miracle on earth. Everything that I endured to get pregnant and then to stay pregnant was absolutely worth it. Even now as I write this and I shed a few tears remembering what I was going through - I wouldn't have traded it for anything. I absolutely love her.

Here's our little bundle of joy

At Home - Day 1:

At the Hospital after release from the NICU

Induction T-Minus 12 hours

This will be a really short post - for some reason I've been battling fatigue like crazy today. Also - since the midwife stripped my membranes I've been having some strange contractions. None of them have come together like labor but there are enough to make me feel uncomfortable. It's 12 hours until I need to show up at the hospital. I'm so excited and nervous. My appetite has been very strange and finicky today. I've basically had some berry smoothie ( just fruit and a blender), a grilled cheese + tomato sandwich, a bowl of mushroom soup, and a peach. I just don't feel like eating anything real.

 I've been watching a "Baby Story" like a mad woman for the last couple of months. I don't know - I kind of think watching it will help me come to terms with what's coming. Up until now every trip to the hospital has invoked  feelings of suspicion and dread. For once I'm going to Labor and Delivery because I want to go there and get my baby out. How strange is that. I'm full of anxiety, excitement, fears, anticipation, and who knows what else. Ok drowsiness is taking over again.... maybe my next post will be to announce the birth of our baby!

Induction - T-Minus 2 days

Well - it's official - I have an eviction notice date for this baby. Today I went to see the midwife and to see what we could do about inducing me. For starters, let me say - this was my first late afternoon appointment. I don't like them at all. Besides the classic long wait at the OB, the staff were clearly tired.

I did the usual routine  - urine, blood pressure, and weight. First the surprise for me was that I gained 4 pounds in a week! Overall it's not bad, I have gained only 17 pounds in this entire pregnancy. Secondly my blood pressure was a bit higher than usual - 138/80 . I'm normally around 115/60 or lower. My urine was fine. I mentioned this to the midwife and asked if I should be concerned, but she checked my ankles and commented that they were nice and skinny - so no worries there.

After getting through the usual stuff, we saw the midwife. She did a fundal measurement and measured the baby's heart beat. I have to admit, for a moment, she couldn't find the heartbeat on my left side. I knew I'd felt the baby move earlier in the day, but there's no anxiety like the moment when you're waiting for the doctor to confirm that the baby really is alive. She checked on my right side - and there was her heart beat nice and strong. PHEW! The midwife asked me if I wanted to her to separate my membranes. I told her yes  I would. She did a cervical exam to measure my cervix - and it was 3 cm. So ... not so bad. I've gone from 3 cm to 2 cm, to 2.5 cm to 3 cm again! That exam always pinches a bit but I can breathe through it. Then she warned me that she was going to strip my membranes. I braced for the pain but no amount of bracing could help. I yelped - OH JESUS! And I'm not the very religious type! She let me know that she was done. She warned that I might spot and I might have contractions. She also mentioned that my water bag was right there - and that she could feel it. She said my cervix was completely thinned out as well. Ultimately she said we could go at any time. She mentioned that the stripping might jump start labor too.

Finally, she wanted to set my next appointment for another week out - at 40 weeks. I mentioned that "umm I have gestational diabetes - the last time I was here I was advised that I needed to be induced at 39 weeks because of that." After scouring through my file, she agreed and told me - I'll call you tonight to let you know when we'll induce you. So we said thanks, checked out, and made our way out. I was feeling all kinds of strange cramps and things but nothing unbearable. On the drive home, she called - my induction was scheduled for Saturday - just 2 days away. In fact it's less than 48 hours away!

So here I am ... realizing that I've actually served my baby with an eviction notice. All that's left is to execute the eviction notice on Saturday. I'm scared and excited all at once. I can't wait to get this process started. Spending 3 weeks waiting for labor has driven me nuts and I'm just glad to have a date to work towards.

My first false labor and failed self induction methods

So I went to the oB and was examined by a midwife yesterday. I was somewhat excited when she reported that I was 2.5 cm dilated ( yes less than my last measurement) but I was fully thinned out (almost 100% effaced). That sounded like progress to me.

Now the manual exam is a painful experience if you haven't had one. It's bearable, but it basically involves someone sticking their two fingers inside of your nether regions and spreading them as far as they can go to see how open your cervix is. I even think that much poking and prodding can drive you into labor. I told the midwife that I was ready for this baby to come out and we chatted some. She agreed with my game plan - The famous labor-inducing legendary Eggplant Parmiagana from Scalinis , very spicy indian food, some walking around and sex with DH. She asked me not to take castor oil because "it would give me diarrhea and I'd still be pregnant!"

Armed with her guidance, we decided to do some window shopping to walk around to help labor along. I started contracting and added to my pelvic pains and lightning crotch, I sincerely felt like there was finally something going on. We stopped at Scalini's and got the eggplant parmiagan. Then we went to Swapna, the local indian place and ordered spicy vindaloo, spicy goat curry, and  lamb Biryani. That's enough spicy Indian food to set your backside on fire! By the time I got home - I was having regular contractions. They were pretty painful but they were strong enough to time them. I laid on the couch and started timing them. They were fairly rhythmic - about 10 - 15 minutes apart. I was so sure that this was the beginning of something.

There I was contracting and uncomfortable. I was in too much pain to have sex with DH. The contractions ran until 3 in the morning and then they went away! Ugh! I got up to go to the bathroom, and the contractions started again. 10 minutes later they were gone! By the time I woke up around  6 am - they were all gone.

Not to admit defeat, the next morning I decided to get on the treadmill. Maybe some walking would get things going. I hopped on the treadmill, put it on a fast walking pace and put the incline on 7 ( out of 10). I did an entire mile. And guess what.... not a single contraction! Seriously??? So here I am after suffering through a night of painful contractions - still as pregnant as ever. I'm exhausted and I don't feel any closer to delivering this baby.

Just some final thoughts.... I am having trouble digesting the thought that for so long, I was on pins and needles in fear of losing this pregnancy and now I'm sitting here ready to evict my baby. It's just so surreal. I am excited about getting so close to being a mother, but I am terrified of something going wrong. It seems so strange to be on the other side of fertility....