Yep - It finally happened - I had to milk myself like a cow

So I've had to suffer another indignity. I had to milk myself like a cow - literally into a bowl. Before I can really elaborate on exactly what that means - I guess I should explain what led me up to this point.

If you've read my blog you'll have noticed that I'm not the biggest fan of breastfeeding. That being said - I've committed to breastfeeding my baby. It's not that I don't agree with all of the wonderful benefits of doing it ( healthy baby, lower risk of girly part cancers, and did I mention the awesome weight control???). It's just that it really does suck. It's a time sink, it's inconvenient, oh yeah and it hurt like hell.  And for any person that claims it's a painless process  - I'll be more than happy to post pictures of the flesh covered teeth that my baby is sporting as gums!

Anyway - 5 weeks into my baby chomping on my nipples to her heart's content - she finally latched in a civilized manner. All of a sudden, by 6 weeks of age, my baby was being nursed at 95% breastmilk. Sorry - I give her formula at night so she doesn't wake up every 3 hours. I digress! So before the breastfeeding went well - I was pumping. I was actually getting good at it. I could get up to 7 ounces in a session. Seeing that my baby eats 2 - 3 ounces in a feeding - that's perfect. Then something strange started happening in week 10 - 11.

For starters - I have a dominant breast. My right breast produces about 3 times what my left one does. Lately when I start nursing my baby on my left - she throws a tantrum. It's almost as if she is telling me, "Woman - how DARE you give me this dry breast! You know there ain't much going on here!" The first time she did it - I chalked it up to moodiness. The second time in a row I started to wonder and by the third time - I realized she didn't like my left breast anymore - UGH!

Now stepping back - around week 10 - I noticed that I was beginning to have trouble getting a decent amount of milk out of the pump. I could pump for 30 minutes before I got a letdown and if I did get a letdown - it was just an ounce or so. This was incredibly frustrating seeing as I knew I was able to nurse my baby exclusively on my breast. That basically means - the milk is in there  - it just won't go out.

So fas forward to week 12. Here I am, suffering on the pump for over an hour just to get 3 ounces of milk. Of course if I pump that long, my nipples are sore and then I can't nurse. If I pump for just 20 minutes - I'm lucky to get 1/4 ounce. So I'm stuck in this quandary. I got desperate so I started trying a few things :

1. snorting my baby's hair before pumping to trick my body into thinking she's near 
2. taking deep whiffs of my baby's clothing while pumping
3. Getting a bigger cup size for the pump
4. Increasing the intensity of the pump ( OUCH ) 
5. Visualizing waterfalls when pumping  (this worked only once)
6. Manually expressing my milk ( the motivation for today's post)
7. Calling my lactation consultant and asking for help ( that's where I am right now )

So item #6 - manually expressing. Yes you can milk yourself. It's not pretty. It's not dignified. In fact it looks damn ridiculous. In case you're wondering how it works - I was using the marmet technique: click here for a video of how it works. I found myself sitting topless, breast in hand, massaging my breast and pushing down to my nipples only to see a small stream of milk spraying into a bowl. Yes this is what I have been reduced to. Just like with a cow's udders, I'm doing a yanking motion to get some milk out. If only my 20-year-old self could see me now!! So I milked and I milked and I realized very quickly - that the comment on the video of the technique ( it's a fabulous alternative to an electric pump) was very deceptive. Yes I got milk but my hands got tired very quickly. I can literally fall asleep on a breast pump but with this technique - if the hands stop - so does the milk....

So I did it - and no I didn't feel good about it. In fact - I did it out of desperation because my nipples were too sore to nurse or pump  but I need to drain my breasts. Every time I've done what I thought was the most awkward thing I've ever done.... new motherhood offers me a new low!