Mission Accomplished - My Kid Doesn't Like Breastfeeding Anymore

I didn't think that I would get to this point. My kid really isn't interested in breastfeeding anymore. She is 15 months old, so it doesn't completely surprise me. She's been extremely independent with walking at 8 months. She also is clearly seeing reduced bang for buck with nursing vs. eating table food. Even with reducing her cow's milk - she isn't interested in more breastfeeding. We've been down to 1-2 nursings a day for several months. Now we've gone several days without a real nursing - and she doesn't seem the least bit bothered. I think it's safe to say - my child is pretty much done with breastfeeding

I shouldn't be surprised. She's been making less and less effort at it for months. And I've noticed lately she prefers to play with the nipple or use my boob as a pillow as opposed to actually latching. Even when she latches, the second she finds something she can pay attention to - she pops off and wants to do something else. I can't help but think she's internally thinking, "OK woman - I'll do this for a few seconds so you can feel important - but I'm really SO OVER IT!"

I never thought I'd get to 15 ( almost 16 months). Feeding my daughter was like feeding a barracuda. She had razor sharp gums and I cried through many nursings. We had a nursing strike which was horrible. I struggled with pumping and stopped responding to the electric pumps. But she and I stuck it out - and we got the job done. I'm glad I made it this far - although I had envisioned nursing until two. At this point with her lack of interest, I don't feel good about pushing the breast on her - because I feel like it may interfere with her urge to wean.

I guess this is the next step in my child's development.

In the 2WW and had my IVF consult

So in case I haven't mentioned - my cycles are now completely regular. They are actually a perfect 28/29 days apart. Which is awesome for TTC I guess. Of course, I'm not sure if they are truly ovulatory but I've got too much going on to start temping or using ovulation kits. DH and I decided to go ahead and make a half-assed attempt at TTC. So I went and calculated my fertile days and we DTD right when we were  supposed to. Now I can't test until next week Friday - but here I am wondering if I'm preggo.

I have never paid too much attention to 2ww symptoms. When I had my BFN - I had every early symptom. When I had my BFP - I had no symptoms. Yet here I am looking at my body and wondering what's going on. For starters - several days after we DTD, I had some crazy fatigue. I could barely stay awake. I felt off like I had a flu or something and that lasted 24 hours. Fast forward a few more days - and I have had some crazy cervical mucus. There's just more of it and its consistency was - well different. Maybe stringy and long? I dunno - I've never understood describing cervical mucus. So armed with those non-definitive symptoms, I'm allowing myself to at least think it's possible I could be pregnant!

Now as for the IVF consult - that was straight forward. I have 2 blastocysts and 17 eggs. I asked about gender selection but my clinic doesn't do it anymore. We're planning to do a cycle next year May or so. So it's either we get preggo on our own - or we fork out more cash, stick 2 embies in me and see what we get! Sheesh! The crazy ride begins again.

Time to TTC again - ugh or yay?

Yep - it's time again. DH and I have decided that it is time to try to have another baby. I don't know how this is going to go. I also don't even know how we want to proceed with this. I've been trying to decide if we should try naturally or if we should just aim for IVF again.

While I love the financial savings of conceiving naturally - I also don't trust my body's hormones. Maybe it's just me - but I feel like an abnormal ratio of babies born with challenges. I'm not basing this on anything scientific - just from what I've seen in the infertile community. I compare that against the few number of IVF mommies ( of reasonable age ) , who seem to have a lot less going on in the challenges area. I don't know - maybe it's just my fear talking - convincing me that I'm somehow getting a better deal with IVF - especially since it worked for us.

Either way, DH and I have agreed to stop "making sure" that we don't get pregnant - while we figure out what to do. I know that's a non-commital way to make a decision LOL. So one thing that is helping is that since I lost that one ovary to the tumor , and my surgeon sliced my other one ( wedge resection), I've been having perfect 28/29 day cycles.  Of course I'm scared to get pregnant and then lose my other ovary to a tumor - but the oncologist says it's highly unlikely - but ugh!!! Either way - I don't know how we're going to do this - but I'm eager to get this party started hehe!

I've been on hiatus for a while but my oncologist gave me the all clear

The truth is that I have too much going on right now. I haven't given this blog nearly the attention it deserves.

So here's my quick update

1 -DH and I are moving out of the country in less than 3 months - so I've been knee deep in planning a major emigration

2- business has been good but my projects are starting to converge

3 - my oncologist gave me the all clear - I'm officially off of restrictions an allowed to exercise again - wooot! I've started by doing a few push-ups every day and next week I start walking .

Finally - my LO is growing so fast !!!

I can hardly believe it...

The final diagnosis is in - It was a benign tumor of the ovary

I feel like I've been going back and forth about all of this - but I had my post op appointment today. I finally got to speak with the nurse about my results from the pathologist. Now I remember in the hospital when my doctor called it a fibroma. I thought he meant fibroid. Turns out - this thing wasn't a fibroid at all. But before I go too far down that road - here's how my appointment went :

So I went through the usual. Meet a nurse, get weighed, get your blood pressure taken, and get undressed. The PA ( Physician's Assistant) came in and introduced herself. She asked me how I was doing. Now strangely - 3 weeks after the surgery - I almost feel 100 % back to normal. I mean, yes my stomach looks like I was stabbed 6 times in a knife fight, but other than that I'm ok. I also noted that I have a strange aching sensation in my vein where I got my IV. It started maybe 2 weeks after the surgery. Of course I had all the internal paranoia about having a blood clot that would race to my heart and kill me - but I read lots online and apparently this is normal. And go figure - that's exactly what the PA told me. She said I could just put some heat on it - and eventually my body would reabsorb it.

So she looked at my incisions and commented that they were healing extremely well. I have no idea if she was just humoring me - but who cares- it's better than hearing "That's odd...."

She then did a pelvic exam to feel the incision in my vagina. I forgot I had a 7th one in there. Coincidentally - when they tell you not to lift for 6 weeks - its the internal incision that they are most worried about. She explained that heavy lifting could tear that incision open. She asked me to still take another 3 weeks of restricted lifting - so I'll go 6 weeks without lifting my daughter - sheesh. At least I'm getting lots of mommy hugs and kisses in there!

FInally we spoke about the pathology report. So my mass was a benign tumor of the ovary. It was not a fibroid and it wasn't attached to my uterus. She said that they are rare and also don't typically recur. Better yet - she said I'd be ready to conceive in a month or so if I wanted. So who knows - I might be back on the TTC horse.

Since the doc wedged my ovary - I have lost 8 pounds without glucophage or metformin. So ... I might be pissed that he did it - but at least I'll be a bit skinnier .

Ultimately I'm doing real good. I'm just eager to be back to normal again!

Am I an extended breastfeeder?

So this was inspired by a question An online buddy asked me. She asked if my surgery was inspiring me to wean my daughter or if I was doing the extended breastfeeding thing. For starters, I didn't know there was such a concept as extended breastfeeding. Of course I had to google it. And there it was - there's a line drawn in the sand at 1 year. Anything beyond that - and you are an extended breastfeeder!

So I have to wonder - when did this line get drawn? Why was it drawn? Am I slowly becoming a tree-hugging, barefoot, nuts/honey/raw vegetable munching, 5 year old breastfeeding crunchy mom??? Is there some weird transformation that unbeknownst to me I'm undergoing??

Before I breastfed, I thought I'd go for 6 months maybe a year. I actually hated breastfeeding. But here I am a year later. My kid nurses only once to twice a day and I don't feel inclined to lead her weaning. I'm thinking I will let her wean when she's ready. I dunno. This was a nice random thought late last night

My surgery story - part 3 - pain management ain't no joke

So my surgery was on a Friday. I was scheduled to be released on Saturday morning. When the doctor came to see me, he told me - no matter what they say, do not let them discharge you before you've had breakfast and lunch. He went on to explain that I needed to hold down the food with no nausea because if I got nauseas at home, I'd need to be readmitted.

For the first meals, I was on a full liquid diet. I was getting juices, water, broth, and apple sauce. I was able to hold all of that down. I was still in a lot of pain. They had me walking that night. On the first walk, I was able to get down one hallway and needed to turn around. On the second walk 4 hours later, I walked the whole ward. I wasn't feeling awesome, but I was feeling considerably better. On the third walk, I felt like I took a horrible step backward. I was only able to walk down the hallway and I was in excruiciating pain. The night nurse stacked morphine on top of my percocets but it just wasn't working.

In the morning, the doctor came to see me and reminded me about not letting them release me too soon. He also talked more about the adhesions from my childhood surgery. He pointed out that my scarring was really bad and he spent an hour doing a laparoscopic surgery just to remove the surgery before he could even do the robotic surgery. I told him my concerns with the pain medication. My prescription for when I was at home was for Lortab but the hospital was giving me percocets. Percocets were the stronger drug but it felt like they were having no effect. He told me he would put Todarol in my chart and it was an IV medication that may help. He also said - I should see how the Lortab works and if it was having no effect, I should do percocets.

He also asked me how I was dosing. I told him I was doing 1 - 2 percocets every 4 hours based on my pain levels ( which were hovering between  a 4 and a 6). He explained that I'll do better once I'm on a regular schedule. His explanation was that pain pills don't work well for getting pain under control. He said they worked best if your pain was under control and then they simply maintained that level. He also said, I should put addiction out of my my thoughts for now. He stressed taking what I need and then they would taper me down if need be. He also stressed that I don't just suddenly stop taking them either.

After he left I asked the nurse for the Toradol. Can I say - OMG - it made the world of a difference. It isn't a narcotic but it made my pain slide down to a 3/4 for the first time. I actually felt hope about being able to leave the hospital after that. Of course after he left, the nurse wanted to discharge me. I indicated that he said to wait after lunch and she begrudgingly agreed. I did fine with breakfast but when I ate lunch - the nausea started. It wasn't nausea like I was used to. I had a weird twinge when I was eating, but about 5 minutes later the saliva started flowing. I found myself spitting a mouthful of saliva every 60 seconds or so. It was so weird. By the time she came in, I had a friggin bowl of saliva. She gave me an injectable anti-nausea medication, and it started to slow down.

Finally by the afternoon, I was looking healthy enough to brave going home. They gave me another dose of percocet for the trip home - and off I went......

The next few days were full of crazy pain whenever I moved. My abs burn on the right whenever I move. 5 days later, I still need help getting in and out of bed. I'm able to walk around, but I'm still in a lot of pain. I did the walk of sharme as I had to call the doctor's office and asked for more pain medication. After my delivery, all I needed was an ibuprofen and I was good. This time around, I feel like I've been beaten. I have 6 incisions on my stomach and they are stitched on the inside and sealed with skin glue. My post op appointment isn't until the 6th - but I should hear about my lab work for my surgery next week.

Ultimately writing all of this down helps me process what's happened. I feel traumatized. I haven't quite come to terms with what's happened - but what's important is that the preliminary results were that no visible cancer. Now we hope the more thorough results confirm that as well..... We aren't completely of the woods - but we will be soon enough.

My surgery story - part 2 - post operation back to reality

So I woke up in recovery feeling like all hell. I looked over and noticed that I was in the same bed as my husband's friend's sister who was checking in at the same time as I was earlier. I tried to swallow so that I could speak, but my throat wouldn't respond. My throat was uncomfortable but it didn't hurt. The thing that was frustrating is that - my throat just wouldn't respond. I wanted to speak to the nurse - but I couldn't form any real words. After some time, I was able to say - I need water.

She gave me water and I guzzled all of it. I was able to drink the water, but when I tried to swallow my saliva, I still couldn't will my throat to respond. I had a passing moment of panic - thinking that my throat was somehow destroyed. I don't know how long I was in the post operative recovery unit - but it took me a very long time to feel normal. All through this - my throat felt like I'd been swallowing flour. I felt incredibly dry all over. My lips were cracked beyond belief. Then I remember being told, I'll be moved to my recovery room.

I remember watching myself roll to the room. I was transferred to a bed by the nurse and a tech. The pain was unbearable. It's like my insides were screaming every time I moved. Before I knew it - my husband and mom were there. My husband explained that the surgery went well. He explained that the doctor had scar tissue removed. My next question was - what about my right ovary??? My husband looked at me, his eyes dropped a little, and he said - he did the wedge resection on your right ovary. I gasped and asked him why. He said he had no idea why. The tears started flowing. A panic set in. I went into this surgery accepting the idea that I might lose one ovary but I still had my other lame ovary to work with. Now I was hoping nothing bad happened to the other one.

My mother was pro-wedging all along - so I could see she was secretly happy that he did it. I don't share her sentiment - I don't believe wedge resections are a viable treatment for PCOS and I certainly don't believe they are worth the risk. I simply felt violated. I felt like I let myself be vulnerable and someone did exactly what I didn't want them to. In between fits of tears and racing thoughts, I decided that I would let him explain what happened and why he did the wedge resection despite my not wanting one.

Later on the doctor came to visit me. We spoke at length. He mentioned that I had a lot of adhesions/scarring from my surgery when I was a baby. He said it complicated the surgery and I will be in more pain than usual because of that. He basically had to remove all of the scarring from my bowels before he could start the surgery. I asked him about the wedging. He seemed genuinely shocked that I didn't want it. At first he claimed I agreed. Then he said there was nothing in my file about not doing the wedging and said maybe no one told him. Then he finally just apologized and explained that although he thought it was a good thing for me - he was sorry. Funny enough - my anger went away at that point. I could only think that - what's done is done. There's no point in lamenting for my ovary - he can't un-wedge it.

The next set of hours were a series of crying spells, wincing in pain, and simply painful recovery. They were giving me percocets for pain. I don't have a lot of experience with percocets but I remember that they were the one pain killer that did work best for me. However, this time around, they weren't working at all. I kept asking for more - and the night nurse even gave me morphine on top of it. Despite all of that - the pain never got under control...

My surgery story - part 1 - pre-operation

In the midst of pains, weird dreams, pain medications, and racing thoughts.... I figure I'm feeling lucid enough to document what happened. As far as this posts's image... well I had my surgery done via the Davinci machine. It's supposed to have better recovery because it makes major surgery less invasive. Anyway - here's how it all went down:

I arrived at the hospital at about 5 am. Fortunately the parking deck was empty - so we even got free parking. Woot!

I was remembering a conversation I had with my mom the day before when she revealed she suffered from fibroids! I couldn't believe she never told me. The entire approach they took for diagnosing me might have been different had we known that information. But what can you do?

We walked through the maze of the hospital to get to the admissions office. IT was actually still closed, but as we were approaching, a security guard unlocked it and we entered. I met the woman at the front desk and she asked for my last name. I gave her my name and she handed me a folder and told me to go to the third floor. My mom, husband and I walked up to the third floor. I checked in with the nurse there - and she  indicated that she would check me in soon. She took my advance directive and checked me in. I was taken alone to the pre-op area to get ready. There I undressed, put on a gown and laid down in a room the size of a closet.

After a while, a nurse came in and tried to put in an IV. Of course she struggled the same way they struggled when I had pre-term labor. This time around, I was dehydrated because I'd been pooping water for 14 hours. Funny thing, all I could think was PLEASE don't let me crap on the operating table. They did make me drink an entire bottle of miralax the day before! The nurse was using lidocaine to numb my skin before they stuck me. Finally after several failed attempts, the nurse brought in a colleague who was able to do it. She insisted on doing it without the local anesthetic - and go figure - that worked! Once the IV was in, they brought my mom and my husband in. Shortly thereafter, the anesthesiologist came in to talk about my history. Then my surgeon came in. We spoke a bit. He wanted to confirm about the previous surgeries so he knew what to look for. I've always known I had 3 kidneys and one removed when I was a child. Suddenly my mom pipes up and says - umm...no! It was 2 urethras! The surgeon corrects her - you mean 2 ureters? From the kidney? They go back and forth, but ultimately he confirms that it was 2 ureters from my kidney - not 3 kidneys and not 2 urethras. The doctor answers my questions and we're good.

Now here's the moment Im' kicking myself for. I asked the doctor, "we're just doing the left mass and maybe the left ovary right? "I should have explicitly said - "no wedging of the other ovary". But I didn't. He confirmed only the left ovary and they let my mom and husband go. You'll see later why this was so critical.

The next thing, they were giving me a heparin shot in my stomach. They wheeled me into the operating theater. I was shifted onto the operating table, and I saw the anesthesiologist's head pop up. He mentioned they were going to give me some gas and pain medication.  I looked around and saw the davinci machine all covered in plastic. I also remember looking at the ceiling and thinking - that while the room looked clean, the tiles on the ceiling didn't look spotless... hmmmm....They put some gas over my mouth and nose. I felt that the nozzle wasn't sitting quite right. I mentioned that the nozzle was off a bit and they quickly readjusted it. The next thing I remember was waking up in recovery room feeling like I'd swallowed a pound of flour....

The mass is out - I'm cancer free!!

I will post more - but they removed the mass and my left ovary. I'm still in hospital. Oh and no cancer!!!

I will be back late to post the entire story. But here's the quick and dirty. The mass was the size of a peach. It. basically mangled my left ovary. So I lost the ovary. The doctor also resectioned my right ovary to alleviate some of my PCOS. That was against my wishes but that's a story for another day. Today I'm just focusing on the fact that I don't have cancer!

He also addressed an abdominal scar I've had since I was 11 months old to make it smaller. I'm in a good deal of pain - but the pain killers are keeping it at bay. I'll post my full story after I get discharged.


**correction** he addressed internal scarring from a previous surgery. He didn't make my scar smaller. I was clearly loopy on the meds when I posted!

Ever taken a whole bottle of miralax?

I just realized I forgot to document this! So my bowel prep for this surgery called for 2 days of a liquid diet and to chug an entire bottle of miralax (238 grams) in 32 ounces of Gatorade. Despite the "wrong" oily texture of the liquid - I realized if you put a ton of ice in t - it becomes more tolerable. I still tasted nasty but I was able to get through the 4-5 glasses of stuff. Then there was the GI side effect.... I was bracing myself for explosive diarrhea. I'm so used to metformin / glucophage and it's explosive nature, I was pleasantly surprised. I mean I still peed out of my butt for 6 hours , but I didn't have the pain that comes with metformin. I never knew you could crap damn near clear water - but its true - it can happen and it did! It also gave me some crazy fatigue and nausea but I was able to avoid hurling. It's 10 pm at night and I'm scared to sleep because I don't want to crap myself lol. Other than that - I'm sooo ready to get this over with!

T minus 1 - tomorrow's the day

I guess I should write something. I'm not terribly concerned about how this surgery will go - but there's always that nagging feeling. It's the what if? I mean you hear about people going for routine procedures and ending up a vegetable. I know this is morbid talk for the night before my operation.

Despite my confidence, I hugged my daughter a little tighter today. I sacred the time with my mother as well. And I took lots of moments to reflect on how awesome my husband has been. I have a good life at the end of the day. - and I'm not ready for my battles to be over.

Anyway - hopefully my next post will be about how wonderful IV pain killers are LOL. Oh yeah and a bit about my prognosis .....

Just 3 days to go

It's so weird waiting for my surgery. My head is filled with pre-surgery details, thoughts about the mass, trying to plan for afterwards, trying to understand how I will cope without being able to carry my little one, etc.

Yesterday I picked up my prescriptions. I thought it would be only my flagyl ( meds to make me crap water) but they gave me my pain killers as well - lortab. I've never taken it before but I assume it's like oxy, Percocet, Vicodin and any of their cousins.

My mother arrives tomorrow and I also start the liquid diet for bowel prep tomorrow. Sheesh! I think wednesday will be ok. It's Thursday with only Gatorade and flagyl that will be questionable! Anyway nothing major to post - just wanted to check in and jot down some thoughts.

T-Minus 8 till this peach sized mass is removed

OK - I admit it - I'm starting to get scared. I've actually been nonchalant about this surgery up until now. I guess I should give an update on what's happened in the last several weeks.

So I got my pre-op appointment on July 10th. I went there 2 days ago. I thought it would be a quick consult with a nurse and some bloodwork. It turned out to be a 5 hour affair at the hospital. It started with my consult with the nurse. We talked about the procedure, my pre-op bowel prep (more to come later on that, my ultrasound and MRI results again, breastfeeding on the medications, my medication list, and recovery restrictions. Ugh! I was concerned about my surgeon's desire to wedge my right (healthy) ovary. She said he had notes stating he would only remove the left ovary if necessary - but he would leave the cervix, uterus, and right ovary alone so I could preserve fertility. Also - instead of taking my mass out and giving it to the pathologist while I was under, they would just remove it and end the surgery. Then if it turn out to be cancerous, we can make decisions afterwards. I am feeling so much better about that.

I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to breastfeed during this process. I'm also worried about breastfeeding after - since I'll be on percocets or Lortabs.... but I will talk to my OB. As for the results - well this thing is the size of a peach. If I didn't know better - I'd swear it was getting bigger!! Anyway - it needs to come out. I still don't have any cramps, pains etc. It's hard to believe I have something this size inside of me and I can't feel it!

So here's the worst piece of news in all of this - I have 6 weeks of restricted activity. I cannot lift anything for 6 weeks! That means I can't lift my daughter for 6 weeks. I'm going to have to delay her potty training because of that. I also will have to take a 6 week hiatus on my running :( I am going to have to see if between my daughter's nanny and her baby sitters if we can get a rotating schedule that works - because I can't really do much as a mother if I can't lift anything. Ugh.

After all the consult stuff - I went over to hospital admissions to get started. The admissions was straight forward, but they convinced me to do an advanced directive. I always wondered what that was. It's basically a document determining how I want to be cared for in case I'm incapacitated. Furthermore, it identifies a health agent to speak in my behalf. So no laughing, but I thought about how my husband is going to be my health agent and we just took out insurance policies on each other LOL!!! Doesn't that sound like the beginning of a story on Investigation Discovery? LOL! Fortunately there's a clause in there for the doctor's to supercede your health agent's wishes if they feel that your health agent isn't behaving in your best interest. Sheesh!

After the admission, they gave me a green hospital band so I could be admitted for my pre-op labwork. I went over to admissions where I got a $970 bill for my coinsurance ( 10%). Thanks crappy US medical care system! And that's with pretty decent insurance! After I finished with the financial team ,I began my trip through the maze of the hospital.

For starters, I came up on the wrong elevator. I ended up in some lab. I pinned down a nurse and she walked me over to the pre-op area. I checked in and sat down. I realized that I was exhausted and started dozing in the waiting room. Finally they called my name 30 minutes later. I was taken back to sit with a very pleasant and bubbly nurse.  She gave me a urine test, blood pregnancy test, took about 6 vials of blood, and gave me an EKG. I have a lot of cleavage, so she had to lift one of my boobs to get a good reading - awkward!

Finally she reconfirmed my information and gave me a red hospital band. She explained that they did a type and screening on my blood and blood would be pulled out of the bank for me for my surgery in case I need it.  She explained that I cannot take the band off until after my surgery. If I did, my surgery would be cancelled / rescheduled. So here I am walking around with a hospital band for 10 days. When she was done, she sent me off to get an X-Ray. That was ridiculously fast, and then I was done!

Of course with my luck, with all the zigzagging across the hospital, I forgot how I got back to the car. I finally made it out of the hospital only to find myself 2 blocks of so from the parking deck! I dragged myself out there and got in the car.

I think before all of this - I mean I knew I was going for surgery - but this feels so much more significant than the previous ones. I'm just so ready to get this over with and to get a real diagnosis!

Countdown to my ovarian surgery

WEBSITE COUNTDOWN

Well - it's just a matter of time now. I have my date for my surgery. I don't have too much to report really. I'm just kind of eager to get it done. I know that I'm counting down to a surgery but it also feels like I'm counting down to finally having a real answer. I have decided not to dwell too much on whether this is cancer or not. It might be - it might not be - but there's nothing I can do about it. So all I can do is wait. In the meanwhile I'm focusing on far more interesting things - like my daughter's first birthday party, our upcoming vacation, and work. I will probably have more to share as the date gets closer.

It's time to go under the robotic knife

Wow... this is really happening. I know it's been a couple of months where I've been wondering, but in the back of my head, I kind of hoped it was a fluke. I hoped that the dark spot we saw on the ultrasound was just some kind of mistake. Yet today, my oncologist's office finally called back with the MRI results - and they confirmed that the mass was really there. Ugh! So now it's time for me to come to terms with the reality that I'm going in for a real surgery.

It's time to come to terms with some ideas.... like I might actually have cancer. I may wake up from that surgery without my ovaries. I may wake up from that surgery with even more cut out of me. My daughter's birthday is coming up and I'm wondering how I'm supposed to do her birthday party. My running is just getting good again - and I'll have to give it up for several weeks again.

I'm really frustrated because although my gynecological oncologist is extremely experienced in the Davinci method for this type of ovarian surgery, his office takes way too long to return phone calls for my taste. I asked my reproductive endocrinologist to refer me to some other ones, but when I googled those doctors, the feedback was worse than the doctor I have now! Fortunately most of the feedback was complaining about the bedside manner and waiting times, but sheesh. This is nothing like my experience when I was TTC. There my doctors called back 7 days a week without fail.  But I need to decide soon. I'm so ready to get this mass out of me.

I'm feeling a sense of relief. Before I had this unknown cloud hanging over my head. I didn't know if I was sick so I didn't know how to proceed. This isn't the outcome I wanted, but now that I know.... I am ready to get my head in the fight. I go back to focusing everything in my power to getting through this healthy and mentally sound. I still feel like I've been on the medical battlefield for so long, that I'm not entirely freaked out about it. In fact, I'm ready for it. I'm ready to simply do what it takes to get the all-clear so I can get back to my life. Sigh......

MRI Done... now we wait to see if my ovary is screwed

I now understand why people freak out over MRIs. I had my first one done today to try and determine if this mass on my ovary is really there or not. First let me say - the hospital I went to - Kennestone Outpatient Pavilion is just amazing. It looks like a hotel. I'm not used to seeing hospitals that look like hotels - but no complaint here. I figured I'd write about my experience.

So my check in was pretty straight forward. I went into the waiting room after checking in. The tech came to get me and brought me to a changing room. She explained how I would undress and get dressed for the MRI. She then asked me to explain my medical situation so that she could plan how best to do the scan. After we got that done, I got into some scrub bottoms and that dreaded hospital robe that is open in the back. She moved me over to a private area and put me on a bed while she confirmed my  profile information. Then she put my IV in. She explained that I would be doing my MRI with and without contrast.

She asked me if I was pregnant or nursing. She said I needed to pump and dump for 24 hours. That's another whole long story , but I explained to her that I couldn't pump and dump because I don't respond to the pump. She promised to talk to the radiologist to see what options I had. She got my IV in easily - YES!!! That almost never happens! As she was doing it - I was looking at my arms and they are starting to have that haggard look they got during IVF when I was having blood drawn daily.

So they had me walk into the MRI room, and I got my first look at it. Now I'm not a claustrophobic person, but that machine does look intimidating. They got me to lay down on the table and got started setting me up. They stuck that wedge under my knees, connected me to the IV machine, put a bulb in my hand, put ear plugs in my ears and put headphones on my ears. They let me choose what radio station I wanted to listed to. We had some random banter about how gorgeous Alex Skaarsgard ( aka Eric from True Blood) is. The tech reminded me that if I needed to stop the process, the bulb in my hand was an emergency shut off.

Then I relaxed and they started sliding me into the machine. I had my eyes open - and I honestly wondered why I chose to do so. I'm not claustrophobic but I felt a twinge of anxiety as they slid me into the machine. My nose was just a few tiny inches from the tube. I heard the tech over the headphones tell me they were going to start. As I laid there, the digital clanking sound began. It really is loud and it is repetitive. It actually gets pretty annoying after a while. I kept trying to focus on the music but it simply wasn't loud enough to drown out the machine. As I was lying in there - I realized I was losing any sense of time in there.

After some time, the tech told me it was time to start the breathing portions of the scan. She would have me take a deep breath, exhale, and then hold my empty lungs still until she told me to breathe again. We did that about 10 times. Finally - she told me - it's time for part two of the scan. They would be turning on the contrast dye in my IV. She reminded me that my arm might feel a bit cold and I may get a strange taste in my mouth. I barely felt the fluid going in, but all of a sudden I felt like I had dipped my tongue in a bottle of perfume. For an instant I wondered if I was going to taste that for the rest of the scan - but it wore off.

So back to the clanking and waiting Funny thing, if you lay still for long enough, it's like your body locks into that position. I felt heavy. My arms and legs were heavy and it started to feel impossible to move. It was very easy to stay dead still. Finally I heard the tech on the headphones say it was over. She came over and started unhooking me from the IV. I asked her the dreaded question, "Did you see anything extra in there?" Her response was, "They train us to have a poker face - we can't say anything. Your doctor will have to follow up." Of course I knew she wouldn't tell me, but I couldn't resist telling her. The rest of my visit was pretty straight forward. I went back to my locker, got my clothes, got dressed and headed out to meet my husband for lunch.

It is kind of hard not to think about this stuff. Yes I'm in a good mood, and I at least don't feel sickly. Yet I am just dying to find out if I am sick or not.  Now all that's left is to wait for a call from my oncologist to see what he thinks of my results. Fingers crossed..... I can't believe it's been since April that I've been dealing with this. I'm so ready to get some definitive answer about whether I need to gear up for battle or not!

The bittersweet taste of being an infertile mother

These questions were posted on the PAIL blogroll. I didn't realize I was going to have so much to say, but when i finally stopped typing - I realized I had an emotional exhale. So I decided to post it here too.


What does the “after” feel like to you? Is it bittersweet, or are you at peace?

It’s extremely bittersweet for me. I mean I’m happy that I’m a mother, but I still have this nagging sense that I’m less than a whole woman. When I was trying – all I thought was – I want to be a mother, who cares how I get there? But once I crossed the line, I was happy I got there, but I felt like I’d been cheated of some of my motherhood experiences. I still can’t conceive on my own. I’m still traumatized from the physical torture it was to get to this point. I can still taste the constant anxiety and fear as I went through my high risk pregnancy. I remember my guilt for feeling disconnected from my pregnancy until I was literally at the end of the 3rd trimester. I couldn’t allow myself to enjoy nesting because I’d already lost a baby at 20 weeks once before. I’m not an unhappy person – but I don’t think I’d go so far as to say I’m at peace….


Do you still experience negative emotions surrounding your ALI journey? Did you expect this?

I definitely still have those negative emotions. They are strongest when I think of gearing up to try and have a second child. I do have some internal resentment because I know I’ll never have a normal road to motherhood. I don’t think I expected to feel this way. I thought that when I laid eyes on my daughter – all the negative feelings would just disappear.


You know – I’ve heard people tell me, “you should be happy that you have a child – if I had one – I’d never complain. I’d never be negative because I’d be so grateful for what I had.” I think that’s far easier said than done. The TTC battle does some serious emotional damage, and the addition of a child doesn’t negate that. If anything it makes it harder to accept, because you feel like you shouldn’t feel bad, so it’s harder to work through those emotions.


Williams discusses feeling like a veteran versus a survivor. What is your take on this, as it relates to the ALI journey? Do you think of yourself in some other way?

I definitely see myself as a veteran – or in my eyes – a warrior because the fight just isn’t over yet. To me – being a survivor would mean getting my body to the point of being fully fertile on its own. But the reality is that I’m always going to have to fight to try and get / keep my reproductive system in order – so unless some miracle happens – I’ll never really be a survivor – because the fight will never be over. I think when we’re still TTC – we feel like finally having a kid will make all of this over. I also shared that sentiment until I had a child – and I realized that the pains of infertility, miscarriage, and the TTC process have left scars that will be there with me forever.


How can we help each other get “there”? What will healing look like?

I think vocalizing how we feel helps a lot. It sort of makes this thing we’re going through a part of life instead of a dirty little secret we’re holding deep inside. When I lost my first baby, just hearing the number of women who also went through the same thing made it easier to deal with. When I got diagnosed with PCOS, just hearing the stories of women with PCOS helped. When I went through my pregnancy with an incompetent cervix, just talking to women who dealt with it to just helped. The healing for me is realizing I’m one of many women who have dealt with this – and come out ok on the other side.

I didn't realize genuine caring doctors still existed

So I reached out to my fertility specialist ( reproductive endocrinologist - aka RE). I got a call back from them, and they wanted a full run down of my situation. They asked me to send my information to them, and to get all of my other doctors to send my test results over too so they could analyze. They offered to provide me with soem questions to ask my oncologist. They are also going to give me their opinion on my wedging. I still have 17 snowbabies in the freezer - so I do have some options. What blew me away is that they are doing all this without sending me a bill yet. In fact, I'm just thrilled that they were willing to speak to me without charging me for a consult. I was terribly grateful to them for all of the supportive care I got when going through my cycles - and this is just more proof to me that they simply rock.

I'm 3 days away from my MRI and hopefully some more results on my situation. I just can't wait to find out if I am sick or not.

I gave up 9 vials of blood for the fight today

So the endocrinologist ordered all kinds of tests for me. She did say she was doing a full workup. The first test I had to do was a cortisol saliva test. We spoke a bit about it - but she just mentioned that it measures adrenal function. It was a weird test. I was given a specific type of swap that I had to drop in my mouth, roll around to soak in saliva, and then spit back into the tube. I had to do that at midnight on the night before I went back in for testing.

I did the test last night. This morning I went in for my bloodwork. It had to be fasting - so I hadn't eaten since about 6 pm the night before.... ugh. When I did IVF I felt like a pin cushion. When I was pregnant I felt like a pin cushion. After today - I felt like a pin cushion again. The nurse withdrew 9 vials of blood from me. Fortunately needles don't bother me at all - but it's always unsettling to see that much blood being taken. Now I just count down to next week Friday for my MRI.


On a happier note, I realize I haven't blogged too much about my sweet baby girl. She's such a force to be reckoned with. She started walking at 8 months, and now at almost 11 months she's more than mobile. It's kind of bittersweet to look at her and enjoy the moments with her with this cloud of questionable cancer floating over my head. She has no idea of what I'm going through - and I'm making special effort not to let worry creep into my demeanor. It kind of makes me feel that much more grateful for the times I have with her. Despite the fact that she bites my left nipple whenever I offer it to her to feed!! And she has some serious teeth to do so with hehe.

I'm also planning her birthday party in the middle of all of this.  It's so hard to believe she will be 1 year old soon enough. I'm so ready to start trying again but I need to know if I'm healthy or if I'll need to go under the knife. I'm sorry that today's post is so all over the place  - I guess my thoughts are just racing today....

Here's the one thought that grounded me today:

Went back to the endocrinologist... why is this feeling so familiar?

So I'm beginning to feel like I'm surrounded by doctors again. When I was going through my fertility treatment and then the high risk pregnancy - I found myself under the care of 3 doctors at once - at any given time. And yet here it feels like I'm in the same situation again ( OB, oncologist, endocrinologist and I'm headed to see my reproductive endocrinologist next week).

Today I went to my endocrinologist to get a follow up for my PCOS. I realize that pretty much after I got diagnosed, I started working on my fertility - so I've always been under the care of a fertility specialist. Pretty much since 2008. This will be the first time that I'm dealing with my PCOS while not TTC.

My appointment went well. The endo pretty much pointed out that I don't have any significant outward visible symptoms that I'm hormonally off. She didn't mean to say that my PCOS isn't there - she was just indicating that at least I don't have a lot of visual symptoms. She ordered up a complete set of bloodwork for me. I even got a saliva cortisol test which she said was for my adrenal glands.... I don't know what that all means - but it sounds thorough enough. I know she's doing a work up for my thyroid as well. Interesting that the saliva test needed to be done at midnight on the night before you go in for the fasting blood work.

She mentioned that she'll decide if I need to go back on metformin after she gets my bloodwork done. I guess it makes sense that I'm doing this now as I still wait for my MRI next week. No harm in getting all my goodies checked out. It's 7 days until my MRI...... I can't wait - the anticipation is so frustrating :(

So the countdown to my MRI begins

I got my MRI scheduled. It will be on June 8th. Not too much to report there, although the nurse asked me if I had issues with claustrophobia. I hadn't thought about it but then I remembered that the MRI is that scan with the tube you lie in. I wonder if I will just keep my eyes closed lol. Guess I will be googling what the experience is like.

So one of my cysters called my ovaries magical. It kind of made me chuckle inside. They are 'magical'. Of course I always considered them defective but they have done some awesome stuff in their lives. They have refused to drop eggs - yet dropped an epic 44 eggs in an IVF cycle. They once laid on top of each other when I had OHSS. And now they may be making a run for the border. Gotta love them!

More confusion about my ovary

Well - I spent a good chunk of last week waiting for my oncologist to get back to me. His nurse called me this morning to give me the results of my ultrasound. He couldn't see the mass - but it did appear that my ovary was enlarged. Now that didn't surprise me - I have PCOS.... why wouldn't my ovaries be enlarged? That being said, he has decided that I need to get an MRI to get a better look at what's going on inside of me.

The nurse indicated that there are 2 possibilities - based on what the doctor said. The mass could really not have been there but my ovary naturally enlarged - or perhaps the mass has encapsulated my ovary. Ugh!! Either way - I don't know if I should be excited or frustrated. Sheesh!

Now they can't find the mass on my ovary

So I'm totally baffled. I went to get my ultrasound today and the the swears up and down there is no growth on my ovary. Now they told me I had a mass the size of a ping pong / golf ball - and now there's absolutely no sign of it??? I had my first ultrasound on the 27th. And just a couple of weeks later, I get a better detailed one - and there's no mass. Now I have to follow up with the oncologist and see what the deal is. I dont' want to go for surgery if I don't have to - but I don't want to assume I'm ok if there's a chance that I'm not. I'm so frazzled  - I can't even be happy about this prognosis - sigh*

Getting my ultrasound

So I'm sitting in the waiting room waiting to get my ultrasound. My mind has been racing thinking about what could be. I'm hoping this gives a more definitive answer . I just want to get this over and get my surgery scheduled. I'm hoping they will give me my report - so I don't have to wait for a doc appointment to get an explanation - ugh cancer scares sck

Ugh.... I'm going to go under the knife

I'm a bit agitated over the news... so I'll just post what I sent to my family...
I had my consult with the oncologist today. He indicated that the mass was about the size of a ping pong / golf ball. From the ultrasound report that my OB did, he didn't feel that it would be a malignant cancer. That being said, he told me that the mass would have to be removed and tested to be sure. He is unsure if the mass is attached to my uterus or my ovary.

We discussed the procedure. I will have to go for another ultrasound at the hospital to get a more definitive prognosis. After the ultrasound, we will schedule a surgery to have the mass removed. This will be done by a robotic laparoscopic surgery. During the surgery the mass will be removed and a pathologist will examine the mass to determine what kind of mass it is. Once the pathologist gives their diagnosis, they will decide what needs to be removed. There is a chance that they will remove my ovary if the mass is fused to it or if my ovary is affected significantly. We won't know until the doctor performs the surgery.

The surgery requires overnight stay in the hospital and about a week of bed rest for recovery. I just found out today, so I don't have all of the answers yet. I'm contemplating a few things - including talking with my fertility specialist to see if there's anything I should do given any potential risk to my fertility. Fortunately I have eggs and embryos in the bank - but you never know. I will let you guys know when we have dates scheduled for the procedures. I just wanted to let you guys know.


 FUCK!

Treatment options for ovarian fibroids

OK - it's roughly 7 days until my next appointment - and I finally did it - I consulted Dr. Google. I shouldn't have done it - sigh. At least the treatment options for fibroids don't seem so bad. Of course this is assuming that this mass on my ovary is just a fibroid and not something else more sinister.  That being said - it seems I have 5 options:

• Wait and See
• Wait - what ?? Huh? You mean to tell me that I can just sit and watch these things and do nothing? Somehow that doesn't seem right?
• Medication
• It seems that I can do this - if the fibroids aren't too large. I think mine aren't that  big. 
• Hormones
• I think progestin is one of the hormones they can use. This kind of freaks me out - after all - the mini pill was progestin - and that made my hair fall out - eeeeeek. 
• Something called fibroid embolization (whatever that is)
• All I know is that they stick something in my artery to kill the fibroid - eeeek again? I wonder if I can be awake for this
• Hysterectomy
• All I have to say is HELL NO! I refuse to have any body parts cut out of me. I don't care if this is the only treatment that is 100 %. 

Sigh - the self diagnosis is over for today. 

Practicing looking fine when you're scared inside

Well it is 9 days until my appointment with the oncologist. I'm eager but at the same time, I know it's not going to be reassuring. After all, it is just a first consult. I'll still have to figure out how they will diagnose me. I'm assuming it's a biopsy - but who knows. That being said, I've been totally able to sit back and behave like it isn't an issue. But that's about it - I'm simply functioning as if I'm not thinking about it - but I am thinking about it - subconsciously.  All through the infertility woes - I had the reassurance of knowing I had an appt coming up. I knew I was going for blood work, an ultrasound, etc. I had a game plan in writing and I was just executing it. But now I remember the uncertainty of starting the battle. It's just like when I started with the RE. I had absolutely no idea what to expect. I feel like I'm hurtling back to that point. 

And since I need to let my mind race a little - here's what I'm trying to wrap my head around. If it's cancer   - that's a hell of a beast. And that's the worst case scenario. But what if it is fibroids. Will I have to have them removed? Will they grow if I try to get pregnant again? If I do another frozen egg transfer cycle, will the hormones aggravate them? I know I will always have high risk pregnancies due to my incompetent cervix, but how will fibroids exacerbate things....

Sometimes I really just want to punch my ovaries. Why can't I have a normal reproductive system? I'm feeling like I have 2 defective reproductive organs and we're vying for #3.

Got my appointments scheduled - now the wait begins...

I think the only thing worse than waiting to find out what your results are... is waiting to get your appointment to start the process to find out what your results will be. After my miserable Friday where my doc was kind enough to tell me there's a mass on my ovary... that probably isn't cancer.... but still needs to be checked out..... I was up bright and bushy-tailed this morning calling the endocrinologist and oncologist that my OB referred me to.

Well my oncologist office told me that they can get me in within 2 weeks. Sheesh - 2 more weeks of me + Dr. Google.... fun times! I shouldn't have complained, because then the endocrinologist called me and let me know I could get an appointment at the end of May. Sheesh X 2! Good thing I'm not having a crisis! So I've got 2 weeks before I can get the ball rolling on my mass issue. And then the endocrinlogist will confirm my PCOS again and then let me know if I need to go back on Metformin. Oh and total side note - don't you HATE filling out new patient paperwork? Why can't we just get a decent electronic medical record system set up?

I really feel crappy that my hiatus from the drama of dealing with PCOS ended and here I am again - wondering why my reproductive system is so defective. I mean, when you have infertility and you decide to try and overcome it, you're definitely in for a serious battle. But you tell yourself, I'm going to do everything I possibly can to overcome this. You psych yourself up for a serious battle. I used to joke, I'm going to go on until I'm broke or I'm a mother - whichever happens first! Fortunately I'm a mother now, but it seems that the fight for my reproductive system isn't over yet. Ugh. So maybe I'm just going to change my battle motto to - I'm going to go until I go broke or I have a fully functional reproductive system. Whichever happens first!

As if PCOS wasn't enough - now a mass (hopefully fibroid) on my ovary??

Ugh... I am ashamed to admit it - I actually got suckered into thinking that since I was having periods.... I might just be fertile for the first time in my life. Well so much for that misconception. I finally went for my annual checkup - only 3 months late. I've been having periods for the first time in my life - so yeah ... I really did think I might just be fertile. At best I thought well... maybe finally being pregnant has ironed out the kinks in my ovaries - and maybe my PCOS was gone.

Well I went in with my little one for my appointment. I totally expected this to be a routine visit. I spoke with the doctor after he examined me, mentioned that I was having regular periods, but I wasn't sure if my PCOS was gone. I asked him about metformin and whether I should be going back on it. He suggested I get an sonogram before I left. So I waited and got my sonogram. As I was watching my insides on the screen - what's that I see - a string of pearls around my ovary. Ugh... well it seems that my PCOS is still in effect - ugh. That didn't really bother me so much.

Then the ultrasound tech asked me .... do  you have a history of fibroids? I told her no. Well she continues and says.... hmmmm I see a dark area on your left ovary. I think we need to have your doctor look at this before you leave today.  I was still OK with that. After all, I know plenty of folk with fibroids. Why should I be concerned? So back to the waiting room again. Finally when the doctor saw me, he said, well you still have PCOS but there's a mass on your left ovary. Of course in my head I'm like... why isn't he calling this a fibroid? I know it's probably just a moot point, but hey, if it was nothing, why did I have to wait for the doctor to review? He kept saying, I really don't think it's cancer, but I want to be absolutely sure. Again, I'm still feeling pretty good at this point. Then he talks about how he's referring me to an oncologist and an endocrinologist. Ugh wait... what... oncologist? endocrinologist? OK - but this must just be routine ..... that's what I kept telling myself. Then he turns around and says - we just want to make sure you are alive to take care of your little one. well!  All sense of confidence just shot out the window at that point. Although I have nothing to base this on - I feel like it's ok. I am refusing to think that I have cancer until someone actually tells me I do. But this experience has me somewhat freaked out. I can't make an appointment with the specialists until Monday morning - so it's just me and my thoughts... and maybe Dr. Google until then...... Ugh X 2.

My wordless middle finger to infertility and PCOS

Still trying to figure out the way forward

So if I thought fighting infertility was a defining moment in my life.... boy did I underestimate what figuring out where to go next would be! I'm not talking so much about the joys of motherhood and those challenges. I'm more talking about the joy I feel from having a baby but this nagging little anxiety about what I will have to go through with another attempt. Having my daughter has made me decide I want 3 kids and maybe the 4th by adoption. That's fine and dandy but I spent 6 years getting to the point of a viable pregnancy. 3 years after I got diagnosed and  came under the care of a RE I finally had a kid. Oh did I mention the $20,000+ we spent having her? Now I want more but the same issues that plagued me are still seemingly lurking in the background. I have all these questions:

• my periods have returned but am I ovulating?
• do I have decent egg quality?
• do I try on my own or do I go for IVF again?
• should I do acupuncture again?
• can I tolerate those PIO shots again?
• will I have to deal with the dribbling endometrium suppositories?
• do I have it in me to do another 100 + days of bed rest

I don't know what the future holds for me regarding this - but I'm past 30 and I'll have to decide soon. My eggs aren't getting any younger!

I've had 5 normal periods in a row!

I never thought I would be so happy to see Aunt Flo! I know they say that after a pregnancy, you are hyper fertile after a pregnancy. I've never had so many periods in a row in my life. And not only are they happening - but they are perfect 27 day cycles :) So now that I'm having these periods, I'm hell bent on making the best use of my fertility. And no - I'm not talking about getting pregnant. Since my hormones seem to be in line, I plan to attack my weight with a vengeance to make the best use of this time of hormonal balance.