So Frozen Eggs or Do I Try on My Own?

It might be premature for me to be thinking about this - but you can never be too prepared. I am trying to figure out if I should do another frozen cycle to try and have another baby or if I should try on my own. I'm in that wonderful window right after a pregnancy where my fertility seems to have come back on its own. When I tell people that I'm contemplating whether I should use my frozen eggs or try on my own - they tell me it's a no brainer - just try on your own and save some cash. If only it were that simple!

Now I don't have any research to back this up - so please don't judge me for this next piece. I know a lot of cysters. I also know that with PCOS, egg quality is always in question because we have hormonal issues. It's difficult for us to ovulate and even when we do ovulate, there's some question about the quality of eggs that we put out. I see a lot of women doing all sorts of natural remedies , soy, phytoestrogens, progesterone creams, wild yams, etc to try and induce ovulation. I've also been following cysters trying to have kids for several years. And to be honest, it's a little unnerving to see the high number of cysters who are mothers to children with illnesses. The issues range from blindness, cataracts, malformed veins, gastrointestinal issues etc. I know these things happen on both sides but it makes me wonder if our PCOS isn't at play here.

I'm eager to try and have a kid "on my own" but at the same time I'm terrified that doing it on my own doesn't give me a monitored cycle. What if I ovulate but it's a low quality egg that makes it ? What if I had the opportunity to spend a  little cash and get a high quality egg that came off of a monitored cycle? Am I wrong for wanting a manufactured baby? Somehow, having gone the IVF route has desensitized me from that longing to really go all natural. After all - I have a beautiful test tube baby. So I'm sitting here totally confused, unsure of which way we should go. All I know is that I want to have 3 kids and try to do them all back to back so I can get back to my career. I know..... lofty goals for a woman with defective ovaries and an incompetent cervix.

Day 2 of the 2WW ( err 10 day ) Round 2

Well..... a few thousand dollars later and I've paid to have 2 more eggs dropped my belly to hope for the best. This time I had a FET cycle instead of a IVF cycle and I definitely liked it better. I'm still nicknaming myself a fish because they got 44 eggs out of me. Initially I thought I got only 6 embryos and that 2 had died. Turns out only 1 died - which is awesome because it means I spent 1 egg on IVF, 2 eggs on this cycle, and still have 2 frozen embryos left. Then even better - I still have 17 eggs in the bank!

Anyway I took the whole week as a work from home to try and keep my stress levels down. I did acupuncture for this cycle to help calm my nerves. Plus the research says it helps.

My transfer went off without a hitch. In fact it almost seemed too easy. Last time the doctor had to go digging for my cervix! Now it's pretty much up to my embryos and my womb to play nice and give me a BFP. I go back to work tomorrow, but I hate the waiting. After all I have no control over anything. The progesterone has given me a progesterack. And for those of you who are wondering what that is - well I jacked the term from another woman's post on another forum. It's pretty much your breasts after being on progesterone. Mine are HUGE!

I can only help that the relaxed nature of this cycle and using more than 1 egg will increase my odds of getting pregnant.

Embracing my first IVF BFN

Well I might as well just say it – I got my first BFN after my first IVF. I feel kind of weird about it. I mean I have been level headed through this entire IVF. I understood all of the risks. In fact, I haven’t shed a single tear through all of this (don't think that's normal). Every step of IVF is a huge question mark. You don’t know if you will get follicles, you don’t know if they will grow to full size, you don’t know if they will contain eggs, you don’t know if the eggs will fertilize, you don’t know if the fertilized eggs will develop, and then you don’t know if the embryo will stick. So you know better than to get your hopes up. But if all of that wasn’t enough – they give you progesterone which actually makes you feel pregnant. How much of a mind F&*K is that? Now you spend 2 weeks feeling pregnant while you wait to see if you really are. Through all of this you have to keep a level head and realize that nothing is guaranteed. I know that if you do IVF enough times – you’ll get preggers, but it just hurts when it doesn’t happen. SO I get my BFN and my mind sort of goes into a haze as the doctor babbles on about potential clotting factors and possible family background for heart attacks. Ugh… all I know is that we’ll be having a consult to discuss what went wrong and what could be done differently.

I don’t blame myself yet I feel like a failure. I feel like there’s something wrong with me. I feel like there’s something I didn’t do. I feel like if I had spent one more day resting, or perhaps not switched from PIO shots to suppositories or perhaps if I just wanted this baby a little more – I’d have gotten my BFP. I've been pregnant before so I know my uterus works - so why did it fail me now? I know none of these thoughts are rational – yet my mind keeps moving in that direction.

Now I have the pleasure of waiting for AF to come. Not only will this confirm just how NOT PREGNANT I am, but I have the pleasure of enduring another period with nothing to show for it. I then get to begin counting down to my next cycle. I’m already hell bent on doing as many cycles as I have eggs or at least until I get preggers. I guess I just have to channel my frustration into positive energy for the next cycle. It’s just hard right now.

So… IVF Score 2 – FlowerChica Score 0!

20 things I wish someone had told me about IVF

1. There’s no way to prepare for the ways the hormones will make you feel. You might feel nothing, you might feel completely off.

2. Every step of the IVF process is a question mark : Will your eggs mature, will you be able to extract enough follicles, will there be eggs in the extracted follicles, will the extracted eggs fertilize, will the fertilized eggs mature, will the mature fertilized eggs stick? Etc.

3. Vaginal ultrasounds are actually pretty invasive and can be painful. Not only that – but you may very well have to do them daily.
4. Subcutaneous injections are nothing to be afraid of. Scarier things will come after.

5. The doctors cannot predict how much ovarian stimulation medication you will need – so this is a big cost question mark! Assume the worst.

6. Intramuscular shots don’t hurt when you get them. Don’t be afraid of the needle! Be afraid of the pain that follows the morning afterwards

7. Do NOT inject an intramuscular shot anywhere near the middle of your butt cheeks – you will not be able to walk the next day. In some cases, for the next few days.

8. Progesterone makes you feel really pregnant. So after your egg transfer, you really feel pregnant – how’s that for screwing with your mind?

9. Having to hold your pee while you do the egg transfer sucks!

10. Egg transfers are not painless procedures. It might feel very uncomfortable and you’ll be tempted to piss all over the doctor trying to get that egg in.

11. A test run for an egg transfer is a very good thing!

12. Ovarian Hyper Stimulation is no joke – and it’s directly tied to the number of follicles you produce. Although rare, if you’re PCOS you’re really at risk. Drink water like you’re about to cross a desert with no supplies. Drink electrolytes like crazy and go on a super high protein diet.

13. Swollen ovaries hurt like all hell – and you can’t cough, have a full bladder, or laugh without discomfort. You also can’t walk right and have trouble sleeping on your stomach.

14. You probably need to take time off of work during your IVF process

15. Progesterone in oil shots can actually leave your butt cheeks misshapen, sore and lumpy for days, weeks, or longer

16. If you get pregnant – you may have 12 weeks of progesterone in oil shots

17. Even if you get a BFP after your IVF, it can still degrade into a BFN

18. Progesterone can give you horrible dizzy spells

19. You may find yourself quite immobile during your cycle – it’s not a bad thing to lose some weight before you start to offset any immobility related weight gain

20. Get a heating pad! It will help you in so many ways.

Waiting for my blastocysts

Now that I've survived by IVF and ER, I'm eager to see if my 6 embryos are going to yield 6 blastocysts. My insides still ache - I'm still scared that the embryos won't reach the blastocyst phase. I'm scared that we'll do 1 ET and I'll get a BFN. I'm scared I'll develop moderate to high OHSS . I'm scared my OHSS won't allow me to do my ET this month. Sigh - so many things to be afraid of.