Viability - I officially have a viable half-baked baby!

Yes - I've crossed the threshold. I've crossed that invisible line in the sand. In fact I should say "we" crossed that invisible line in the sand. Not just the baby and I , but the baby, my dear husband and I have crossed this line. It's been so long, since the first IVF cycle....since the first time I took clomid 4 years ago... since I realized my ovaries had a mind of their own and weren't with the program. We've crossed that line in the sand that basically gives our baby a chance. 

It's so weird.... the crossing was uneventful. Maybe that's why I couldn't sleep tonight.... I was waiting to watch it become real. It's like crossing this line has opened a whole new set of doors for me. I can start crib shopping. I can start nursery shopping. I can start the nesting process! I can give this baby a name. I can risk getting attached to this little one.

It's been a serious emotional challenge balancing the desire to revel in hope for what's coming while keeping a keen eye on the realities of being a high-risk pregnancy with such a colorful medical history. If you tell people that you're keenly aware of what could go wrong - they say you're negative. If you let yourself daydream in what's coming, you feel like you're somehow letting go of reality. Where's the balance?

If I get my way - I'll bake this baby until 40 weeks. I'm going to be on bedrest for at least 12 more weeks. That's when the cerclage comes out. However, I will be only 36 weeks and I'm going to try to continue bedrest until the end. I want to give this little one every chance I can to be as healthy as possible. I'm just so grateful to have come this far - and I can't wait to see how far we can take it.

1 day to viability!!

My baby has been measuring ahead all along  - so I'm sure her ultrasound size says more than 24 weeks flat. However... tomorrow I officially hit 24 weeks gestational age. I'm so close to that line - I can taste it. I'm so tempted to try and sleep the second half of the day off just to make it go faster :) I'm headed to the hospital for my doc appointment in a few hours. That's always relieving and anxiety filled all at once. I woke up this morning and I'm just lying here waiting for the baby to wake up. How silly is that? Today of all days I need her to be kicking up her usual storm...c'mon - give me a sign little one!!! Other than that - I'm ok - nervous but ok. I'm also due for another 17p shot after the doc appt. Funny thing - they don't hurt - but the size of the needle can make you faint. It seriously looks like a needle you'd use on a cow or a horse!  OK enough of the crazy pregnant woman speak..... let me get the day started!

2 days to Viability!

There's sort of a bittersweet taste in my mouth as I think of the countdown to viability. I'm absolutely thrilled that I'm almost there.... but the concept of viability is such a sour one. It's the point at which the doctors will try to save my baby if she's born too early. Isn't that such a horrible thought? This concept never meant much to me until I lost my baby at 20 weeks. I was just a few weeks from viability. A few weeks from her having a chance. That sounds so wrong - but the reality is - what kind of chance could she have being half baked at 20 weeks? Was my desire to have her really masking a painful reality - she would have had a lifetime of painful medical issues, developmental problems, and possibly died a long painful death if they tried to save her. It's only instinctive to want to cling to life no matter what - but I think the right thing to do was not not try and save her.

So here I sit - 48 hours from that line. Yes we've got modern science to a point where we literally have drawn a line in the sand between life and death for babies. I'm absolutely thrilled. It's the point where I can start calling our baby by her name - because in my mind - she's a baby now  - she can make it - she just needs to keep cooking! Despite all the challenges of getting pregnant - she's more than halfway here - and chances are getting better every day that she'll be born healthy. I can stop talking about if she makes it - and I can start planning for how to prevent her from being a preemie and giving her the best possible chance in life.  Better yet - I can begin the ritual of planning what to buy for this new baby. We can get a crib and pretty nursery stuff. I'll probably wait till closer to 30 weeks to do this stuff - but then again - with incompetent cervix.... maybe I shouldn't wait in case she comes early or in case I get hospitalized. Wow.... so much to deal with! Anyway - I'm thrilled that I'm brushing up against my first major milestone with this baby. We've still got a long road to go - but it's looking good from here.