Worst OB Ever? But I saw my bean!!

Well there's good news here and some bad news. Well the bad news isn't really bad news! I went to the OB yesterday and I saw our bean for the first time. OMG - I used the term bean.... this is really happening! It's hard for me to get emotional yet - maybe after 12 weeks? Turns out I'm 8 weeks pregnant! Anyway - I basically picked an OB out of a directory for a private hospital I live near by. For those who aren't aware - private hospitals are considered better than government hospitals in South Africa. Given my background, I took extra effort to go over my medical background, my high risk status, and what I needed ( to replicate my protocol with my munchkin).

The nurse at his office assured me he was a great doctor and would take good care of me - after all - he was her dad! I could tell when she was taking my medical history that she was just filling out a form. She kept leaving off critical points which I had to push her to write down. They took my blood pressure, height and weighed me. That's all! Then I went to see the OB.

We talked a bit - he said because of my background I'd need a cerclage. I tried to talk to him about monitoring my hormones, progesterone supplements, etc and he brushed all of that off. He did a transvaginal ultrasound - measured the baby quickly, took the heartbeat and said - you're having a baby. He said he'd do my scan for Down Syndrome in 4 weeks and would do my cerclage on the same day. Then the appointment was over.

Now this is the FIRST time I've gone to an OB and not had a urine sample taken.  In fact here's a list of all the things he didn't do:

•  urine sample
•  blood sample
•  iron levels 
• discuss my risk factors
• check my ovary 
• pap smear
• discuss flu shots
• discuss my GD risk
• do a breast exam
• do any screening
• do an HIV test (not that I need one but isn't that standard!)
• discuss prenatal vitamins or supplements

He basically shoved a wand up my hoohah and said - you're having a baby - see you in a month! Needless to say - this was just another confirmation in my fears regarding doctors out here.We're in the process of sorting out logistics for the return back to the States to do my pregnancy here. Sigh.....
I can't really celebrate yet - because we have SO FAR to go but ... I saw my BEAN!!!!!

Yes my delusion is absolute

I tried convincing myself that my BFP wasn't real! Maybe the test malfunctioned ? Maybe I just imagined it? So yes I ran out and bought another test - and there I was haunted by the super dark line!!!! There's no denying there is SOMETHING in the oven. I want to be excited but the infertile in me is looking for confirmation that the pregnancy is viable before I can accept it's existence. Right now my paranoia has leaned towards a possible blighted ovum. I mean I have PCOS , one ovary , and my one ovary had a wedge resection! I shouldn't be able to conceive on my own!!! I have no reason to suspect one - but yet it doesn't seem possible that I could conceive properly on my own. So here I am - going nuts waiting for Monday when I can get real answers from a new OB. Then once I have an answer - I can address a whole longer list of things - like where are we having this baby!!

OMG a BFP?!

OMG.... I am completely confused. Not even sure if I can celebrate yet. So there's a whole story about why I'm not entirely happy that I got a BFP. Part of it is because I"m not really confident about having a baby where I am but the other is because I'm scared that my eggs aren't good quality.....

First let me apologize for how rambling this post is going to be. The last time I posted, I was upset that I had gained about 15 lb and have been unable to shake them. I also don't have the discipline I have needed to lose the weight. Although - now that my clear blue digital says I'm over 5 weeks pregnant - it may add some context to my failed attempts. I tested before christmas - but it was a BFN - but I wasn't expecting. I'm on day 98 of my cycle - so my last period started October 18th. Iv'e still been taking my prenatals ( just out of habit) - but I'm now remembering every glass of wine I've had over the past 2 months. It hasn't been a lot since I have no tolerance for alcohol anymore but still - now I feel completely like crap..

Last week my whole family came down with some kind of stomach bug - and my tummy has been off since - so I didn't think anything of it. I didn't have diarrhea - but my stomach just wasn't right. Then the fatigue set in a few days ago - and I thought - man this is a serious stomach bug. Then my breasts started to hurt - and that just made it worse. So yesterday I went and got a test..... and that's the result.

There's so much that I'm still trying to process. I'm still here in Cape Town - I don't want to deliver here. I'm not confident about health care here :( I don't want to do an international move while pregnant. I can't believe that with my one ovary I actually got pregnant. ( Random thought - I wonder if cysters with one ovary find it easier to conceive?? ) By getting pregnant on my own - I don't have to pay for an IVF cycle ( tons of money saved) . Oh and thank God for ACA - because I'll be fully covered for insurance. My old insurance dropped me when I tried to reduce my plan - saying I'm too high risk! I didn't take enough time to prep with weight loss / exercise / healthy diet - so I'm not giving my baby the best possible environment :(  Ultimately I'm terrified. My last pregnancy was filled with anticipation and fear. I basically couldn't even BEGIN to celebrate my pregnancy until I crossed viability. Then I couldn't really be emotionally engaged till she crossed over micro preemie risks -  but I never really came to terms with my last pregnancy until I held her in my arms. At this point - it's just a BFP. I'll find out next week if it's a blighted ovum, the real deal, viable, etc. So yeah - an emotional roller coaster is about to begin.....

I should say - I'm grateful.... I've spent a fortune fighting my fertility. I dealt with a cancer scare last year. I know it's a blessing to even see a BFP..... but it's hard for me not to feel the fears that I do.....

Can't believe my BFP was real

Of course it's way too early to start calling this a viable pregnancy, but I am jazzed to have had a decent first beta. If nothing else I feel like there's been some progress. On Monday I go again to do another beta, and the long road begins. I am sincerely hoping that this is the beginning of that long road. I'm conscious of all of the potential pitfalls - so I can't start celebrating too much, but I have allowed myself a tiny glimmer of hope and excitement that this might just be the one!