1 day till beta - Hi my name is Flowerchica and I'm a POAS addict.

This 2ww has been a total emotional roller coaster ride. The cycle was very easy - not painful at all. In fact it felt too easy . I am angry with myself for taking a HPT early, because I became totally enthralled with them. I had to keep testing - one in the morning and one in the evening. Since I tested early, I saw a very faint positive. So faint I couldn't be sure I saw it. that must made me bananas! I didn't feel any better. Now I was dreading waiting another 12 hours to test again. Then I tested and it too was a very faint positive. Now I'm not sure I've seen it at all. So I go to bed and was unable to sleep properly. I woke up at 3 am that night - UGH! I took another test - and this time I didn't want to squabble with the lines, so I took one with lines and one digital. The digital confirmed it with text Pregnant. One would think that getting a BFP would make me feel better but now my mind shifted to wondering about the quality of the BFP. I was able to pull myself back from trying to measure how dark the lines were, but I realized I'll probably still test every morning and night until my beta because I want to be sure there's still a pregnancy in there. Double UGH! I know there's no good rationale behind this. I understand why they advise women not to test. The testing doesn't relieve anything.

I'm absolutely terrified I'll have a bad beta tomorrow. I just want this to be all over and I either know I"m not going to have a baby or I find out that there's a strong little embryo in there! Triple UGH!

My first BFP? I'm too scared to call it

Ugh so I'm 6dpt5dt ( I think I've finally figured out the nomenclature) and I saw a super faint vertical line. I tested on 5dpt5dt and was hesitant to believe that it was a BFP. The line was there but it was sooo faint. Even today, at 6dpt the line is faint - but it's definitely better than it was on the 5dpt. I'm totally terrified to call it a positive, because that would have to mean admitting that there was hope for this. There are still so many questions I have, is it ectopic, is it really a positive? what if the lines don't get darker etc. My beta is in 3 days so I can wait for that , but I'm going to keep testing. Tomorrow morning I'll try a digital test and we'll see.

1 - So far it's Clear Blue 5dpt5dt - maybe it was a positive - but I thought it may have been wishful thinking
2 - Clear Blue next morning, 6dpt, I'm pretty sure this was a positive ( had to post the image to get other opinions)
3 - EPT that evening, still 6dpt, I'm pretty sure this was a positive too ( line still faint)

I can't celebrate yet - but I feel like I may have made it a bit further than my last cycle.....

Sorry ladies - this is the ranting of a woman who Peed on a stick one too many times - and still want to keep peeing!

3 days to Beta.......

Ugh..... well - doing an early POAS didn't make me feel any better. The plus side is it didn't make me feel any worse..... In fact, it was horribly inconclusive, but at least I felt like I was doing something.

At least my estrogen and progesterone levels were good.....I won't be crushed if it's a BFN, after all I decided that I'm going to do these FETs and IVFs until we're successful or can't afford it anymore. Whichever happens first..... but it would be awesome to end the year with a BFP.

I didn't think I'd be so preoccupied with the 2ww..... I was so much more calm and collected last time around. Brain is totally fried

Rationale of an early POAS’er

So I’ve gone over the charts over and over. I’m pretty much sure I’m about 3 days from being able to POAS with any kind of accuracy. I already went to the pharmacy and bought 5 early response HPTs so I can test pretty much every day until my beta. I’m approximately 4 days since my transfer, and I know I shouldn’t be getting a positive yet. That being said, I looked in my guest bathroom and found an extra HPT lying around from my last cycle. So I tested. It wasn’t a early response test. I didn’t expect to see anything – but I tested anyway.

I actually spent 2 days rationalizing why I would test early this time around:

1. I won’t consider a BFN on a HPT as a real BFN. The only BFN that counts is from my beta. I promised myself not to get upset if I see a BFN.
2. If I am pregnant, and my HPT can help me know that sooner, I’d rather put myself out of my misery of anxiety as early as possible.
3. Last cycle I waited all day for my doctor to call and I was literally glued to my phone. Don’t want to do that again.

So I tested today 4dpt and it was a BFN. Well, I actually think I may have seen an extremely faint line, but that might have been the result of me staring at the test way too long and wishful thinking. I didn’t see anything concrete enough to tell me it was a BFN or anything to give me hope that it wasn't. I didn’t expect to see anything, so I wasn’t disappointed. I kind of think it was like popping my POAS cherry for this cycle. I’m pretty much going to test every single night until I take my beta. I know people say don’t test early, but I think it’s ok if you keep a level head. I keep realistic expectations about what the HPT will provide – and just hope for the best.

2WW anxiety - It’s just me, 8 days to go, and a racing mind

I consider myself a very rational person, but here I am on my first FET after a failed IVF cycle and I’m 2 days into my 2WW…… Yes I confess, I’ve googled “early 2WW symptoms FET”. I’ve walked around my house very gently, keeping my feet flat on the ground to prevent too much up and down motion. I’ve hesitated to go up the stairs because I don’t want to disk squeezing my uterus. I’ve actually tried to breathe deeply and fight the urge to cough for fear of squeezing my little embryos out. I looked at a hot dog and was so unsure if it was safe to eat – I nuked the hell out of it twice before eating it. I’m only eating warm foods and drinks at the insistence of my Acupuncturist. I keep my laptop near my knees so it doesn’t rest on my womb. I’ve sat silently and tried to listen to my belly to see if there’s anything going on in there. I’ve refused to lift anything over 5 lb.

This 2WW is horrible. It’s like this little monkey on your back. You can ignore it for a few minutes at a time, but it’s ALWAYS there – just waiting for you to acknowledge it. I’m not obsessing over this, but it is kind of frustrating waiting for something I have no control over. I so so so hope at least one of my beans turns into a sticky bean. A VERY STICKY BEAN!

20 things I wish someone had told me about IVF

1. There’s no way to prepare for the ways the hormones will make you feel. You might feel nothing, you might feel completely off.

2. Every step of the IVF process is a question mark : Will your eggs mature, will you be able to extract enough follicles, will there be eggs in the extracted follicles, will the extracted eggs fertilize, will the fertilized eggs mature, will the mature fertilized eggs stick? Etc.

3. Vaginal ultrasounds are actually pretty invasive and can be painful. Not only that – but you may very well have to do them daily.
4. Subcutaneous injections are nothing to be afraid of. Scarier things will come after.

5. The doctors cannot predict how much ovarian stimulation medication you will need – so this is a big cost question mark! Assume the worst.

6. Intramuscular shots don’t hurt when you get them. Don’t be afraid of the needle! Be afraid of the pain that follows the morning afterwards

7. Do NOT inject an intramuscular shot anywhere near the middle of your butt cheeks – you will not be able to walk the next day. In some cases, for the next few days.

8. Progesterone makes you feel really pregnant. So after your egg transfer, you really feel pregnant – how’s that for screwing with your mind?

9. Having to hold your pee while you do the egg transfer sucks!

10. Egg transfers are not painless procedures. It might feel very uncomfortable and you’ll be tempted to piss all over the doctor trying to get that egg in.

11. A test run for an egg transfer is a very good thing!

12. Ovarian Hyper Stimulation is no joke – and it’s directly tied to the number of follicles you produce. Although rare, if you’re PCOS you’re really at risk. Drink water like you’re about to cross a desert with no supplies. Drink electrolytes like crazy and go on a super high protein diet.

13. Swollen ovaries hurt like all hell – and you can’t cough, have a full bladder, or laugh without discomfort. You also can’t walk right and have trouble sleeping on your stomach.

14. You probably need to take time off of work during your IVF process

15. Progesterone in oil shots can actually leave your butt cheeks misshapen, sore and lumpy for days, weeks, or longer

16. If you get pregnant – you may have 12 weeks of progesterone in oil shots

17. Even if you get a BFP after your IVF, it can still degrade into a BFN

18. Progesterone can give you horrible dizzy spells

19. You may find yourself quite immobile during your cycle – it’s not a bad thing to lose some weight before you start to offset any immobility related weight gain

20. Get a heating pad! It will help you in so many ways.

Dinner craving so crazy maybe I'm preggers?

Sigh - that's just my mind getting ahead of itself. With 7 days till I find out of I'm pregnant - my mind is starting to play tricks. but I was surprised at the dinner I made for myself. Since the prospect of having a child has motivated me to much better compliance with metformin - this is a metformin-safe dinner meal:

1 skinless bone-in chicken thigh roasted in the oven
4 100% whole grain crackers
2 slices of tomato
2 small strawberries
1 teaspoon hummus
1 teaspoon potato salad
1/2 a plum sliced
1 small clementine / tangelo <-- not entirely sure what kind of orange citrus fruit it is

I have no idea what motivated me to put this together on a single plate - but it's definitely hitting the spot tonight - YUM!.

Day 4 of the 10 day 2WW wait after my first IVF and ET

Ok - so this totally sucks. I've never been one to be obsessive about every possible symptom - but it's hard for your mind not to wander. I keep telling myself - even if I see something promising, I can't take it as definitive - so there's no reason to pay attention. So far I've had a bad dizzy spell 1 day after my transfer. I've also had some fluttering down there that has gone on for about a full day. I'd sort of call it really mild cramps!

I'm freaked out about sleeping on my stomach, but my bum is still sore from the PIO shots. Shamefully I've started taking my temperature, but this is useless since I didn't track my temperature through the full cycle.

7 more days until I test - I'm not going to do a self test. I don't want any of the agony associated with falsely positive or falsely negative tests.

Ugh!