Medela - I am on to you!

I rented a hospital grade pump today. I had one in the beginning but then decided to switch and get my own pump. So I shelled out close to 300 bucks for the Medela In-Style. I noticed the first time that I used it I got slightly less than when I was using the hospital one - but I expected that. I also noticed that it took a bit longer to pump - but I expected that as well. After all  the hospital pump costs $1200+ .

Well if you've been following my blog you'll note that my pumping had become a bit of a nightmare. It was taking longer and longer to get a letdown and then it started taking 45 minutes to get a letdown. And then there's the pain and discomfort that comes with having to pump for that long. I also noticed that the way my nipples moved in the phalanges was different between the two pumps.

Out of desperation getting this pump again was one of several things I've been doing to get my pumping in order. What's amazing is that I got the pump today and decided to pump when I got home. My breasts were not especially full but I got 5 ounces in 20 minutes! It was like watching little waterfalls pouring out of my nips! What the hell? Just yesterday I was suffering as my personal pump was taking forever. I would pump for an hour ( in the morning) and get 2 ounces if I'm lucky and only 1  letdown. I was sitting in the dark, envisioning my baby, sniffing her dirty laundry, envisioning her, and every other half assed suggestion about how to "will a letdown". So you know what I think?

I think Medela makes a good pump - the $1200 symphony hospital grade pump. Oh and by the way - when you rent one - even though it's through a vendor - you're renting from Medela! I think they make the other personal use pumps cheaper and less effective. I think that unless you're a person who responds well to the cheaper pump, you'll eventually need the hospital grade one - or perhaps lose your supply. So Medela makes money on both sides: first by getting you to rent the hospital one to get your supply up, then by getting you to buy a personal pump that may or may not work, and then thirdly back to rentals when you have to go and get another hospital grade pump.

So maybe it's just a conspiracy theory on my side but I think Medela is screwing with us!

The battle to save my milk supply begins today!

Well I saw my lactation consultant. We went through the whole routine... checked the pump, checked my breasts, had my baby nurse, had me pump one side while nursing. The reality is that my left breast simply isn't playing nice and my body doesn't care too much for the pump. Her advice... it's a mental block. It's funny that she mentioned that because I was able to "Will" a let-down by envisioning waterfalls once. She believes ( and I agree) that it's totally stress related. Combine spending 3 weeks with your mother in law, while your husband was gone for 2 of those weeks. I was having anxiety about returning to work because things haven't been good with my team since I left and I'm the one in charge :( Thirdly I've been having anxiety about not responding to the pump. Triple UGH!

Anyway - so I'm in a quandary. I can nurse my baby just fine - and will continue to do so. I have a friend taking care of my daughter during the day when I go to work - but I'm having trouble making a stash in the freezer. It takes an hour to pump and I get 2 - 3 ounces if I'm lucky ugh! So the first thing I'm doing is reducing my hours at work - in fact I plan on leaving my job - but that's another post for another day.  Secondly - I'm going to call my acupuncturist. I honestly believe this is stress related. Maybe going back to my "happy place" will help things go better. And yes - I'm going to buy Mother's milk tea and fenugreek. I never thought I'd be going down this road! Well - the battle continues!

Yep - It finally happened - I had to milk myself like a cow

So I've had to suffer another indignity. I had to milk myself like a cow - literally into a bowl. Before I can really elaborate on exactly what that means - I guess I should explain what led me up to this point.

If you've read my blog you'll have noticed that I'm not the biggest fan of breastfeeding. That being said - I've committed to breastfeeding my baby. It's not that I don't agree with all of the wonderful benefits of doing it ( healthy baby, lower risk of girly part cancers, and did I mention the awesome weight control???). It's just that it really does suck. It's a time sink, it's inconvenient, oh yeah and it hurt like hell.  And for any person that claims it's a painless process  - I'll be more than happy to post pictures of the flesh covered teeth that my baby is sporting as gums!

Anyway - 5 weeks into my baby chomping on my nipples to her heart's content - she finally latched in a civilized manner. All of a sudden, by 6 weeks of age, my baby was being nursed at 95% breastmilk. Sorry - I give her formula at night so she doesn't wake up every 3 hours. I digress! So before the breastfeeding went well - I was pumping. I was actually getting good at it. I could get up to 7 ounces in a session. Seeing that my baby eats 2 - 3 ounces in a feeding - that's perfect. Then something strange started happening in week 10 - 11.

For starters - I have a dominant breast. My right breast produces about 3 times what my left one does. Lately when I start nursing my baby on my left - she throws a tantrum. It's almost as if she is telling me, "Woman - how DARE you give me this dry breast! You know there ain't much going on here!" The first time she did it - I chalked it up to moodiness. The second time in a row I started to wonder and by the third time - I realized she didn't like my left breast anymore - UGH!

Now stepping back - around week 10 - I noticed that I was beginning to have trouble getting a decent amount of milk out of the pump. I could pump for 30 minutes before I got a letdown and if I did get a letdown - it was just an ounce or so. This was incredibly frustrating seeing as I knew I was able to nurse my baby exclusively on my breast. That basically means - the milk is in there  - it just won't go out.

So fas forward to week 12. Here I am, suffering on the pump for over an hour just to get 3 ounces of milk. Of course if I pump that long, my nipples are sore and then I can't nurse. If I pump for just 20 minutes - I'm lucky to get 1/4 ounce. So I'm stuck in this quandary. I got desperate so I started trying a few things :

1. snorting my baby's hair before pumping to trick my body into thinking she's near 
2. taking deep whiffs of my baby's clothing while pumping
3. Getting a bigger cup size for the pump
4. Increasing the intensity of the pump ( OUCH ) 
5. Visualizing waterfalls when pumping  (this worked only once)
6. Manually expressing my milk ( the motivation for today's post)
7. Calling my lactation consultant and asking for help ( that's where I am right now )

So item #6 - manually expressing. Yes you can milk yourself. It's not pretty. It's not dignified. In fact it looks damn ridiculous. In case you're wondering how it works - I was using the marmet technique: click here for a video of how it works. I found myself sitting topless, breast in hand, massaging my breast and pushing down to my nipples only to see a small stream of milk spraying into a bowl. Yes this is what I have been reduced to. Just like with a cow's udders, I'm doing a yanking motion to get some milk out. If only my 20-year-old self could see me now!! So I milked and I milked and I realized very quickly - that the comment on the video of the technique ( it's a fabulous alternative to an electric pump) was very deceptive. Yes I got milk but my hands got tired very quickly. I can literally fall asleep on a breast pump but with this technique - if the hands stop - so does the milk....

So I did it - and no I didn't feel good about it. In fact - I did it out of desperation because my nipples were too sore to nurse or pump  but I need to drain my breasts. Every time I've done what I thought was the most awkward thing I've ever done.... new motherhood offers me a new low!

My infertility battle medal

The dark side of new motherhood

Becoming a mother is the best and worst thing you'll ever do. Make no mistake about it - it will completely rock your world. We're made to feel guilty if we admit anything negative about child rearing. We're trained to believe that the moment that baby comes out of you - every bad feeling about child rearing should just go away. Well it just isn't true. If you're looking for the full list of things they should tell you before you try to conceive - click here.

Trying to Conceive is only fun if you aren't trying to conceive! Pregnancy sucks. It does a number on your body. Labor is the craziest most unnatural thing you will ever endure. Holding your baby for the first time is one of the best feelings you will ever have. Nothing comes close to seeing a new life be created. Then comes the reality of being a new mother!

First - the sleep deprivation is just horrible. It's completely mind numbing. Couple that with a screaming baby and it's no wonder evil people use sleep deprivation and the sounds of babies screaming as torture methods. Also - consider the reality that it is very possible that you may go for 6 months without a decent night's sleep. Lucky parents are able to get their babies to sleep through the night within 3 - 4 months. I was blessed with a baby that started sleeping 6 straight hours at 5 weeks and 8 hours straight at 9 weeks. You will also get a sort of spider sense. If your baby's breathing patterns shift - you wake up. If they cry - you wake up. If they cough - you wake up. If they sneeze you wake up. If they move - you wake up. If they stop breathing - you wake up. You're going to become hyper vigilant over night.

Secondly - it's normal to feel some level of resentment towards your baby, your pregnancy, your significant other and your new situation. You'll realize very quickly that you've given up your freedom. Your baby will come before everything - showers, using the bathroom, eating, sleeping, etc. I've had that emotional breakdown which was perfectly summed up in a pathetic wail by me " My life is over !!!"

Third - Breastfeeding sucks. There's nothing natural about it - don't listen to all of the BS about how it's the most natural thing on earth. Babies have to learn how to breastfeed and they do it while chewing on your nipples. You will learn to bear through the pain or start spending a fortune on formula.

Fourth - Loss of your identity. Yes - no one really cares about you once that baby is out. You'll even notice that your parents will call you just to find out how the baby is doing. You have just been redefined as the mother to the person that matters.

Fifth - You are going to have to make special effort to tend to your relationship. It's hard to feel sexy when a baby has been chomping on your nipples. You'll find that child rearing may rearrange your nether regions a bit too. Not everything will be exactly where you left it.

We're made to feel bad because we have negative feelings about motherhood - but they are perfectly normal. Every time I look into my baby's smiling face I remember why I do this - but there are plenty of times when I'm sleepy, I'm holding her to my chest and she's a blur of kicking, drooling, yelling, and crying all at once. In those moments - all I am doing is wishing she will run out of energy. To be a mother is to make an incredible sacrifice. You will give up your body, your sense of identity, your sleep, and your way of life for someone who will be absolutely dependent on you. Your baby won't love you. They will not say thank you and will have ZERO appreciation for what you are doing until perhaps they hit their 20's and 30's. It is thankless work that is absolutely rewarding if you stick it out until the end. This is the reality you must come to terms with before you have a child. I'm loving the fact that I've done this. And I love my daughter in ways I didn't know were possible - but I also know how much I'm giving up to make this work.

To the bitter infertile - stop hating pregnant women

I need to preface this post with the fact that I believe I've earned the right to get on this soap box. After 5 years of negative pregnancy tests, PCOS, non-existent cycles,  a miscarriage, a failed IVF cycle, a high risk pregnancy, gestational diabetes, a cerclage, pre-term labor, and an induction from hell - I think I can say a thing or two about dealing with infertility. I've managed to overcome infertility once and have a baby but I'm gearing up to battle with it again as I go for baby #2.

That being said - here's my two cents. I sit on forums for women who are TTC with infertility and you see those women - the ones who are bitter. They have been TTC and have a very nasty attitude towards women who have already been pregnant. It always starts with some rant about hating to go to baby showers. Perhaps they reference a friend who has been trying with them and got pregnant before they do. They escalate to resenting pregnant women. That resentment escalates to include women who have had their children.

But why should an infertile woman hate women who have overcome their fertility, become pregnant, and/or had kids? What exactly did those women do ? And more so - how can you hate someone that has achieved what you are trying to do?  What is it about infertility that brings so much negativity? We already have to battle so much in our lives, internal pressures, pressures from in-laws and parents, fears, emotions, he pain of BFNs, the pain of dashed hopes, the discomforts and pains of fertility treatments, the pain of miscarriages, and the emotional strain of it all. Should we really be adding negativity to the mix?

Yes we can sometimes feel incomplete because of our inability to rear children. Yes we can feel bad about our journey to fertility when we see the successes of others. But what kind of mothers will we be if we harbor so much jealousy and resentment before our children are born. And once we have those children - what kind of mothers will be be? Will we be self loathing because we've become the very people that we've resented so much? Do we suddenly forget that we were once envious of pregnant women? What kind of maturity does this resentment show?

I know that infertiles are often susceptible to emotional issues. After all many of us have hormonal issues. With hormonal issues comes emotional issues. But that's all the more reason we should make the extra effort not to be difficult. So to the bitter infertile I say - celebrate with your friend who has become pregnant. Go to your friend's baby shower - because you would want them to be happy for you. Be willing to hang out with your loved ones / friends and their kids because you would want them to do it for you. But more so - remember that child rearing is a miracle ( whether you have battled infertility or not) and it should always be celebrated.

I'm a mother - now what?? Oh yeah - and a confession

I'm really struggling with this concept. I've spent so long trying to achieve this goal - now it's here. Where do I go from here? How does an infertility warrior cope with having a baby? How do I deal with the emotions that come with this. So I had one baby - does that mean I'm fertile? I know that my body will go back to being infertile but how soon?? Should I try to get pregnant again? Should I wait to reduce my chance of miscarriage? Should I get pregnant quickly because I run the risk of going infertile again? It's so crazy!!

That being said, having this baby has been the most transformational thing I've ever done. Not only was it physically the most traumatizing thing ever, but it's forced me to redefine myself. In some ways my life was mainly defined around my attempt to get pregnant and my career. Then the midwife pulled this baby out of me - and I just knew she was what mattered most. Now here I am trying to figure out - who am I ??

My Confession:

So I have PCOS. I have mild insulin resistance. That means I need to be eating like a diabetic. Well since my daughter was born.... that has NOT been the case. After 3 years of a restrictive diet, I allowed myself to have a 12 week reprieve. I basically am allowing myself to eat whatever I want. I know that goes against everything I've know but I just need to feel normal for a while. So I went on a donut binge. Yes I ate a glazed donut every morning for breakfast for 7 weeks. I've been eating Jimmy Dean Sandwich Biscuits for breakfast. I thought my weight would skyrocket but it hasn't. I'm already below my pre-pregnancy weight and I'm not gaining a thing. I'm sure it's the breastfeeding that's helping.  I've had milkshakes, pizza , burgers, etc. That being said, I'm still making sure there are fruits and veggies and whole grains somewhere in my diet - after all - what I eat, the baby eats!

So I have 4 more weeks left, and I'm going back to the fertility diet. I'm going to try and conceive again in the near future, so I don't want to destroy my body. I'm sure you can imagine that motherhood is eating all of my time so I'm not blogging as much - but I'm almost back to my normal self and I'll be back on the horse!