I've been on hiatus for a while but my oncologist gave me the all clear

The truth is that I have too much going on right now. I haven't given this blog nearly the attention it deserves.

So here's my quick update

1 -DH and I are moving out of the country in less than 3 months - so I've been knee deep in planning a major emigration

2- business has been good but my projects are starting to converge

3 - my oncologist gave me the all clear - I'm officially off of restrictions an allowed to exercise again - wooot! I've started by doing a few push-ups every day and next week I start walking .

Finally - my LO is growing so fast !!!

I can hardly believe it...

The final diagnosis is in - It was a benign tumor of the ovary

I feel like I've been going back and forth about all of this - but I had my post op appointment today. I finally got to speak with the nurse about my results from the pathologist. Now I remember in the hospital when my doctor called it a fibroma. I thought he meant fibroid. Turns out - this thing wasn't a fibroid at all. But before I go too far down that road - here's how my appointment went :

So I went through the usual. Meet a nurse, get weighed, get your blood pressure taken, and get undressed. The PA ( Physician's Assistant) came in and introduced herself. She asked me how I was doing. Now strangely - 3 weeks after the surgery - I almost feel 100 % back to normal. I mean, yes my stomach looks like I was stabbed 6 times in a knife fight, but other than that I'm ok. I also noted that I have a strange aching sensation in my vein where I got my IV. It started maybe 2 weeks after the surgery. Of course I had all the internal paranoia about having a blood clot that would race to my heart and kill me - but I read lots online and apparently this is normal. And go figure - that's exactly what the PA told me. She said I could just put some heat on it - and eventually my body would reabsorb it.

So she looked at my incisions and commented that they were healing extremely well. I have no idea if she was just humoring me - but who cares- it's better than hearing "That's odd...."

She then did a pelvic exam to feel the incision in my vagina. I forgot I had a 7th one in there. Coincidentally - when they tell you not to lift for 6 weeks - its the internal incision that they are most worried about. She explained that heavy lifting could tear that incision open. She asked me to still take another 3 weeks of restricted lifting - so I'll go 6 weeks without lifting my daughter - sheesh. At least I'm getting lots of mommy hugs and kisses in there!

FInally we spoke about the pathology report. So my mass was a benign tumor of the ovary. It was not a fibroid and it wasn't attached to my uterus. She said that they are rare and also don't typically recur. Better yet - she said I'd be ready to conceive in a month or so if I wanted. So who knows - I might be back on the TTC horse.

Since the doc wedged my ovary - I have lost 8 pounds without glucophage or metformin. So ... I might be pissed that he did it - but at least I'll be a bit skinnier .

Ultimately I'm doing real good. I'm just eager to be back to normal again!

Am I an extended breastfeeder?

So this was inspired by a question An online buddy asked me. She asked if my surgery was inspiring me to wean my daughter or if I was doing the extended breastfeeding thing. For starters, I didn't know there was such a concept as extended breastfeeding. Of course I had to google it. And there it was - there's a line drawn in the sand at 1 year. Anything beyond that - and you are an extended breastfeeder!

So I have to wonder - when did this line get drawn? Why was it drawn? Am I slowly becoming a tree-hugging, barefoot, nuts/honey/raw vegetable munching, 5 year old breastfeeding crunchy mom??? Is there some weird transformation that unbeknownst to me I'm undergoing??

Before I breastfed, I thought I'd go for 6 months maybe a year. I actually hated breastfeeding. But here I am a year later. My kid nurses only once to twice a day and I don't feel inclined to lead her weaning. I'm thinking I will let her wean when she's ready. I dunno. This was a nice random thought late last night

My surgery story - part 3 - pain management ain't no joke

So my surgery was on a Friday. I was scheduled to be released on Saturday morning. When the doctor came to see me, he told me - no matter what they say, do not let them discharge you before you've had breakfast and lunch. He went on to explain that I needed to hold down the food with no nausea because if I got nauseas at home, I'd need to be readmitted.

For the first meals, I was on a full liquid diet. I was getting juices, water, broth, and apple sauce. I was able to hold all of that down. I was still in a lot of pain. They had me walking that night. On the first walk, I was able to get down one hallway and needed to turn around. On the second walk 4 hours later, I walked the whole ward. I wasn't feeling awesome, but I was feeling considerably better. On the third walk, I felt like I took a horrible step backward. I was only able to walk down the hallway and I was in excruiciating pain. The night nurse stacked morphine on top of my percocets but it just wasn't working.

In the morning, the doctor came to see me and reminded me about not letting them release me too soon. He also talked more about the adhesions from my childhood surgery. He pointed out that my scarring was really bad and he spent an hour doing a laparoscopic surgery just to remove the surgery before he could even do the robotic surgery. I told him my concerns with the pain medication. My prescription for when I was at home was for Lortab but the hospital was giving me percocets. Percocets were the stronger drug but it felt like they were having no effect. He told me he would put Todarol in my chart and it was an IV medication that may help. He also said - I should see how the Lortab works and if it was having no effect, I should do percocets.

He also asked me how I was dosing. I told him I was doing 1 - 2 percocets every 4 hours based on my pain levels ( which were hovering between  a 4 and a 6). He explained that I'll do better once I'm on a regular schedule. His explanation was that pain pills don't work well for getting pain under control. He said they worked best if your pain was under control and then they simply maintained that level. He also said, I should put addiction out of my my thoughts for now. He stressed taking what I need and then they would taper me down if need be. He also stressed that I don't just suddenly stop taking them either.

After he left I asked the nurse for the Toradol. Can I say - OMG - it made the world of a difference. It isn't a narcotic but it made my pain slide down to a 3/4 for the first time. I actually felt hope about being able to leave the hospital after that. Of course after he left, the nurse wanted to discharge me. I indicated that he said to wait after lunch and she begrudgingly agreed. I did fine with breakfast but when I ate lunch - the nausea started. It wasn't nausea like I was used to. I had a weird twinge when I was eating, but about 5 minutes later the saliva started flowing. I found myself spitting a mouthful of saliva every 60 seconds or so. It was so weird. By the time she came in, I had a friggin bowl of saliva. She gave me an injectable anti-nausea medication, and it started to slow down.

Finally by the afternoon, I was looking healthy enough to brave going home. They gave me another dose of percocet for the trip home - and off I went......

The next few days were full of crazy pain whenever I moved. My abs burn on the right whenever I move. 5 days later, I still need help getting in and out of bed. I'm able to walk around, but I'm still in a lot of pain. I did the walk of sharme as I had to call the doctor's office and asked for more pain medication. After my delivery, all I needed was an ibuprofen and I was good. This time around, I feel like I've been beaten. I have 6 incisions on my stomach and they are stitched on the inside and sealed with skin glue. My post op appointment isn't until the 6th - but I should hear about my lab work for my surgery next week.

Ultimately writing all of this down helps me process what's happened. I feel traumatized. I haven't quite come to terms with what's happened - but what's important is that the preliminary results were that no visible cancer. Now we hope the more thorough results confirm that as well..... We aren't completely of the woods - but we will be soon enough.

My surgery story - part 2 - post operation back to reality

So I woke up in recovery feeling like all hell. I looked over and noticed that I was in the same bed as my husband's friend's sister who was checking in at the same time as I was earlier. I tried to swallow so that I could speak, but my throat wouldn't respond. My throat was uncomfortable but it didn't hurt. The thing that was frustrating is that - my throat just wouldn't respond. I wanted to speak to the nurse - but I couldn't form any real words. After some time, I was able to say - I need water.

She gave me water and I guzzled all of it. I was able to drink the water, but when I tried to swallow my saliva, I still couldn't will my throat to respond. I had a passing moment of panic - thinking that my throat was somehow destroyed. I don't know how long I was in the post operative recovery unit - but it took me a very long time to feel normal. All through this - my throat felt like I'd been swallowing flour. I felt incredibly dry all over. My lips were cracked beyond belief. Then I remember being told, I'll be moved to my recovery room.

I remember watching myself roll to the room. I was transferred to a bed by the nurse and a tech. The pain was unbearable. It's like my insides were screaming every time I moved. Before I knew it - my husband and mom were there. My husband explained that the surgery went well. He explained that the doctor had scar tissue removed. My next question was - what about my right ovary??? My husband looked at me, his eyes dropped a little, and he said - he did the wedge resection on your right ovary. I gasped and asked him why. He said he had no idea why. The tears started flowing. A panic set in. I went into this surgery accepting the idea that I might lose one ovary but I still had my other lame ovary to work with. Now I was hoping nothing bad happened to the other one.

My mother was pro-wedging all along - so I could see she was secretly happy that he did it. I don't share her sentiment - I don't believe wedge resections are a viable treatment for PCOS and I certainly don't believe they are worth the risk. I simply felt violated. I felt like I let myself be vulnerable and someone did exactly what I didn't want them to. In between fits of tears and racing thoughts, I decided that I would let him explain what happened and why he did the wedge resection despite my not wanting one.

Later on the doctor came to visit me. We spoke at length. He mentioned that I had a lot of adhesions/scarring from my surgery when I was a baby. He said it complicated the surgery and I will be in more pain than usual because of that. He basically had to remove all of the scarring from my bowels before he could start the surgery. I asked him about the wedging. He seemed genuinely shocked that I didn't want it. At first he claimed I agreed. Then he said there was nothing in my file about not doing the wedging and said maybe no one told him. Then he finally just apologized and explained that although he thought it was a good thing for me - he was sorry. Funny enough - my anger went away at that point. I could only think that - what's done is done. There's no point in lamenting for my ovary - he can't un-wedge it.

The next set of hours were a series of crying spells, wincing in pain, and simply painful recovery. They were giving me percocets for pain. I don't have a lot of experience with percocets but I remember that they were the one pain killer that did work best for me. However, this time around, they weren't working at all. I kept asking for more - and the night nurse even gave me morphine on top of it. Despite all of that - the pain never got under control...

My surgery story - part 1 - pre-operation

In the midst of pains, weird dreams, pain medications, and racing thoughts.... I figure I'm feeling lucid enough to document what happened. As far as this posts's image... well I had my surgery done via the Davinci machine. It's supposed to have better recovery because it makes major surgery less invasive. Anyway - here's how it all went down:

I arrived at the hospital at about 5 am. Fortunately the parking deck was empty - so we even got free parking. Woot!

I was remembering a conversation I had with my mom the day before when she revealed she suffered from fibroids! I couldn't believe she never told me. The entire approach they took for diagnosing me might have been different had we known that information. But what can you do?

We walked through the maze of the hospital to get to the admissions office. IT was actually still closed, but as we were approaching, a security guard unlocked it and we entered. I met the woman at the front desk and she asked for my last name. I gave her my name and she handed me a folder and told me to go to the third floor. My mom, husband and I walked up to the third floor. I checked in with the nurse there - and she  indicated that she would check me in soon. She took my advance directive and checked me in. I was taken alone to the pre-op area to get ready. There I undressed, put on a gown and laid down in a room the size of a closet.

After a while, a nurse came in and tried to put in an IV. Of course she struggled the same way they struggled when I had pre-term labor. This time around, I was dehydrated because I'd been pooping water for 14 hours. Funny thing, all I could think was PLEASE don't let me crap on the operating table. They did make me drink an entire bottle of miralax the day before! The nurse was using lidocaine to numb my skin before they stuck me. Finally after several failed attempts, the nurse brought in a colleague who was able to do it. She insisted on doing it without the local anesthetic - and go figure - that worked! Once the IV was in, they brought my mom and my husband in. Shortly thereafter, the anesthesiologist came in to talk about my history. Then my surgeon came in. We spoke a bit. He wanted to confirm about the previous surgeries so he knew what to look for. I've always known I had 3 kidneys and one removed when I was a child. Suddenly my mom pipes up and says - umm...no! It was 2 urethras! The surgeon corrects her - you mean 2 ureters? From the kidney? They go back and forth, but ultimately he confirms that it was 2 ureters from my kidney - not 3 kidneys and not 2 urethras. The doctor answers my questions and we're good.

Now here's the moment Im' kicking myself for. I asked the doctor, "we're just doing the left mass and maybe the left ovary right? "I should have explicitly said - "no wedging of the other ovary". But I didn't. He confirmed only the left ovary and they let my mom and husband go. You'll see later why this was so critical.

The next thing, they were giving me a heparin shot in my stomach. They wheeled me into the operating theater. I was shifted onto the operating table, and I saw the anesthesiologist's head pop up. He mentioned they were going to give me some gas and pain medication.  I looked around and saw the davinci machine all covered in plastic. I also remember looking at the ceiling and thinking - that while the room looked clean, the tiles on the ceiling didn't look spotless... hmmmm....They put some gas over my mouth and nose. I felt that the nozzle wasn't sitting quite right. I mentioned that the nozzle was off a bit and they quickly readjusted it. The next thing I remember was waking up in recovery room feeling like I'd swallowed a pound of flour....

The mass is out - I'm cancer free!!

I will post more - but they removed the mass and my left ovary. I'm still in hospital. Oh and no cancer!!!

I will be back late to post the entire story. But here's the quick and dirty. The mass was the size of a peach. It. basically mangled my left ovary. So I lost the ovary. The doctor also resectioned my right ovary to alleviate some of my PCOS. That was against my wishes but that's a story for another day. Today I'm just focusing on the fact that I don't have cancer!

He also addressed an abdominal scar I've had since I was 11 months old to make it smaller. I'm in a good deal of pain - but the pain killers are keeping it at bay. I'll post my full story after I get discharged.


**correction** he addressed internal scarring from a previous surgery. He didn't make my scar smaller. I was clearly loopy on the meds when I posted!