I want to serve my baby eviction papers

I never thought this would be me. How can someone who dubs herself an infertility warrior actually be fantasizing about the day this baby comes out of her? I don't know what happened, but in the last 10 days or so - I got very tired of being pregnant. I feel like every day I get a little bigger. I'm terribly uncomfortable. It hurts to move and I feel like a beached whale. In addition, I have this irrational feeling that until this baby is in my arms she's at risk. My body has failed me before - so why should I believe that it's going to work perfectly this time. My doc won't induce me before 39 weeks - and that's just 1.5 weeks away - but it feels like it is oh so far away.

I've heard that women get to this point - where they just want the baby out - I just didn't think I would. I hate looking at the baby room which is all done. I have the play yard set up in the living room so she'll have a safe place to sleep. I have the co sleeper in my bedroom - just waiting for the baby. Today's post will be short as I'm sleep deprived, feel like I am carrying a solid beach ball on my stomach. I just want my labor to finally begin!

I'm going crazy looking at my empty nest

You would think that the last weeks of a high-risk pregnancy would be the best weeks. After all - we've crossed all of the danger zones. We're in the final stretch. I'm just 1 day away from being term, yet somehow I'm more anxious now than I have been all the way through this pregnancy. In my early pregnancy - I nested with crocheting needles. I made countless blankets, booties, hats etc. Once we passed viability and we creeped past the micro-preemie zones, I started to nest with my credit card. Before I knew it, the baby room was coming up nicely. Now we have every single thing we need for the baby - yet the empty nursery is driving me nuts. I can't wait to fill it with our little baby.

The frustrations of labor watch
When you have incompetent cervix, you have this ever-present fear of your baby falling out. You stay fixated on the fear that your cervix is going to absolutely give out at any moment. Then I crossed 36 weeks. My stitches were removed and then I was just so sure I'd go into labor. The peri warned me that it can take 1 - 2 weeks for labor to begin - but in my head - my cervix was so defective, it would just unravel and open up. Well here I am 7 days later, and my labor hasn't begun. My cervix dilated to 3 cm and 80 % effaced when the stitch was removed, yet here I am and I haven't gone into labor. My Braxton Hicks contractions are frequent but painless. I still have the lightning crotch that flares up every night and lately in the mornings I feel contractions. I never thought I'd be so eager to feel pain - but I just want to feel something definite. The wait is killing me.

Torn between wanting to meet her and wanting her to keep baking
Am I a bad mother because I'm eager for my baby to be born? I don't know why but I have slight fears about something going wrong. I know she will be fine during the birth but I don't think I can relax until I hear her cry and she's in my arms. So tomorrow I reach term. I never thought I'd get to 37 weeks but here I am! Now I know 39 would be better but I'm ok seeing her whenever she arrives. I just want some finality to this pregnancy and right now I feel like I'm just here for the ride.

Final thoughts
So I find myself walking past the nursery, waiting for the day I hear cries coming from that room. I'm fantasizing about when I can lay our baby down on the hand-picked bedding or changing table. I'm waiting to show her the nest that we painstakingly designed in preparation for her arrival. I'm waiting to show her the lions, birds, and other safari animals on the walls. I'm waiting to play lullabies for her to help her sleep. My nest needs a baby and I can't wait for her to come home.

Crazy Labor Watch - Day 5

Well I am 5 days off bed rest and I am officially on labor watch. I've spent so much time afraid of experiencing any labor symptoms, now I can't wait for it! I have shamefully googled every early labor symptom. I know for sure I have been having tons of braxton hicks. They are disorganized so I don't think there is much to it. Today I felt a real contraction. It wasn't terribly painful - maybe a 1/10 on the pain scale. Then I noticed  I had a runny tummy. Hmm could it be a symptom???

I am all packed - and lugging my hospital bag everywhere haha! The anxiety is killing me! I can't wait to meet this little one!

Labor Watch - Day 1

I can't believe I'm actually posting about being on labor watch. Today is 1 day since my cerclage was removed and I'm basically waiting to see when my body tries to eject this baby.  I'm feeling pretty good to be honest - and I'm a happy camper. My peri thinks I'm 3 cm dilated - my midwife thinks I am 2 cm dilated - who knows! So I know this doesn't even qualify as a blog post - but .... the great labor watch begins!!!

My Epic De-Cerclaging

Oh my gosh - boy I didn't know what I was in for. I admit, I read tons of blogs online about the cerclage removal process. I read the horror stories. I heard about cerclage removals gone wrong - but I had no idea that my experience would fit right in with those. Now I should start by saying - I'm not angry at my doctor. I don't feel like he did anything wrong - but this was a painful experience. It also sucked that there was no anesthesia for this whole procedure.

When I arrived at the peri, the nurse offered to do one last abdominal ultrasound. It was great to see our little baby and to get another confirmation that she's doing fine. When the peri came in, we settled down to get it out. First he tried the plastic speculum. I've always hated the clicking sound they make.  I felt pinching pains here and there but it was bearable. He finally said - I can't reach the stitches, I need to go in manually and pull the thread down. He pulled it down - OUCH - and put the speculum in. That didn't work. He tried again. No luck. This went on for about 20 minutes, and then he said - I think I need a metal speculum. It will open everything wider and won't pinch as much. 

Now with the metal speculum in, I'm wincing and blurting Owww over and over. After another 15 minutes of trying - he explains that my cervix has grown over the stitches and he needs to basically go in deeper, push the cervix back and then access the stitch. He goes on to explain that it's going to put me in more pain and I have the option to leave the stitch in until I deliver - then the OB can remove the stitch when I'm in labor. 

I'm sorry that idea simply didn't work for me. I had a vision of an OB desperately trying to remove a stitch he wasn't familiar with. I had a vision of my stitches tearing into my cervix. NO THANKS! I told the peri, "here's the deal - I'll stop complaining about the pain - and you just get this thing out of me. I am not leaving here with a stitch in me." He said, "OK" and went to work. DH stood next to me and gave me his hand to hold. I kept up my end of the bargain, I didn't complain one more time. I simply squeezed DH's hand harder and harder and dug my nails into his hand. I also started having contractions while this was going on - so I was trying to breathe through them. 

This went on for another hour!! I have to admit - it hurt like all hell.  This wasn't the 10 minute nip and tuck that women talk about with their cerclages. This was someone clawing at my insides trying to find stitches that were so high up inside of me - my cervix grew over them. Add the pain of my baby sending lightning crotch sensations down - and ugh - it was hell. Eventually the peri  looked up and said  - all done! He held up the stitch and said - Got it!!! It was a dark green mass of thread with blood all over it. Gross I know - but I have never been so happy to see a bloody piece of string! The nurse congratulated me on how well I was doing. The peri pulled the speculum out and told me he was going to check me to see how I was doing. He reached in there and gave me a quick cervical exam. He announced, "You're 3 cm dilated and 80 percent effaced." Just like that - I realized - my body was getting ready to drop this baby. He suggested that I maybe have a week or so left before labor settles in.

After all was said and done and cleaned up, I hobbled to the bathroom, put my clothes on and made my way to the nurses' station to get my last 17p injection. I don't know why but the shot burned like hell today! Ugh - I can't win today! Anyway - I said my goodbyes, hugged the nurse, promised to send pictures and said my goodbyes. The peri asked me to bring the baby in when she was born. 

I won't say this is the most painful thing I've ever endured - but it was an hour and a half or so of some seriously excruciating pain. My lower half feels crampy and definitely feels different - but I feel a serious sense of achievement. I have been wishing for the day that my cerclage gets removed for months and that day came. I was not about to be a failure and leave with the stitches inside of me. I'm glad I did this because without a cerclage I'm convinced I would have lost this pregnancy. Now we're taking bets on when labor will come. I'm kind of excited to see when she will make her appearance. 

Why I don't expect my pregnancy to empower me

As I'm approaching the removal of my cerclage and the next phase of waiting for my weak cervix to finally give way... I wanted to address this idea of the woman empowered by child birth. I probably won't win any fans for this blog post, but I've been surfing blogs lately and I came across something very disturbing - Powerbirthing. But before I go into that, I want to put some thoughts down about this idea of the empowerment of child birth. I know there's been a big movement towards natural birth. I've read tons of information about women complaining that they should be in full control of their deliveries. I've read about women complaining about doctors making us do things that are not natural. I've even read about women who feel empowered by doing a birth the way they want to.

I don't want to be in charge

Maybe I'm wrong for feeling this way, but I don't see anything empowering about the child birth process. I am also not looking to get on some kind of level playing ground with my doctor when it comes to my care. My responsibility is to be as informed as possible and to pick a doctor who falls in line with how I want to be treated. But here's where I deviate from the idea of being empowered - I don't want to be in control of my treatment. I want to pick a doctor that I can trust so much that I take their advice and direction when it comes to my health care. After all - they are the experts.

To hell with natural unmedicated child birth - it hurts

Now I should be clear - I'm not advocating for elective inductions or elective c-sections because I'd never go under the knife unless I had to.  That being said, I don't want to breathe through excruciating pain during my labor so I can wear some imaginary badge of honor saying I did it naturally. Natural birth has been killing women in child birth for centuries. I have felt contractions before - and frankly speaking if I could get through a labor never feeling them - I'd be the happier for it. We've come far enough that we can have medical interventions that significantly decrease the risk of death for mother and child. I want a doctor with such a good track record that I feel safe getting an epidural. I want to feel so confident that I'll push when they say push - because they've done this over and over.

I hear women talk about birthing in tubs, wanting no medication, wanting to feel every inch of pain - and I can only ask myself - why on earth would I want to do that? Will it make them love their babies more? Is there any research that proves that babies born with no medical intervention / pain management are more successful as people in the long run? When did it become cool to go through a painful experience?

I plan on having a vaginal birth - and only because I don't want to have to go through the pain of recovering from a c-section. I want to have the faster recovery. I've already had to have 2 surgeries just to get this far with my pregnancy - I don't want to have to do a third. I also run the risk of needing a D&C like I did after my first failed pregnancy. I had a textbook delivery but was still passing clots days later.

What exactly is empowering about birthing with pain?


 I read tons of blogs  talking about getting empowered through childbirth. It's the one thing we go through where we are helpless. We need assistance, we need moral support, we need physical support and we need medical support. I don't see myself as feeling any more empowered once I've managed to push a small watermelon outside of my body. If anything it's going to be my most significant moment of weakness - where I'm going to relinquish control to those I trust the most and blatantly ask them to help me get through this. I remember when I lost my first pregnancy at 20 weeks. I had to go through an entire delivery - and all I could think was that my husband was there giving me strength. He was there to be strong when everything inside of me felt that this was the most traumatizing thing I'd ever been through. I knew I could trust him to make any medical decisions that needed to be made for me. I knew he'd take care of me - and through that confidence, I knew I'd be ok.

I'm anticipating the same thing when I deliver. My labor will have pain, I'll have to lean on him for support, and in my moment of weakness I will feel the ultimate sense of safety because I know he'll be there - and I trust my medical team. So maybe this is me just ranting - but where's the empowerment in this whole process? At what opportunity will I have a chance to feel like I'm a stronger woman?

Now this PowerBirthing thing


This won't be a popular thing to say - but far too many women have posted horror stories ( example - click here ) about how going through a PowerBirth has led them to feel violated, feeling childbirth raped, left them with physical damage, left them with psychological scars and scared them off of natural child birth. Some people argue that manual dilation is part of the process, others say it isn't.  I went to the PowerBirth website (click here)and it's a blur of saying this is how millions of women have delivered naturally, that doctors have taken away our rights as women in child birth, that we don't have to be fully dilated to deliver safely, that a cervix can't be destroyed by pushing too early, etc. It talks about how you can empower yourself taking over the birthing process by taking control. To me it sounds like it speaks to the insecurity that far too many women suffer from. It promises an opportunity to somehow feel like you are stronger than how you feel right now.  Oh yeah and for the price of a book and a DVD, you can buy a window into this wonderful world of empowerment through PowerBirth. What I do know is that I refuse to accept that minimal medical intervention is somehow better.

I'm not judging anyone

I have a good friend who just went through a natural non-medicated birth with a labor that lasted 38 hours. And hands down - more respect to her - because there's no way I'd ever do that to myself. I have another friend who wants to do a water birth. Of course there's no chance of an epidural with that route either. I've actually had an epidural twice in my life - both with positive results - so I consider them acceptable pain management tools. I don't judge them for going that route. I can honestly see how attractive it seems - but in my infertility battles and struggles to stay pregnant, I've dealt with excruciating and even chronic pain - and I prefer not to feel it if I don't have to. I'm already having a test tube baby. My pregnancy is a testament to the marvels of modern medicine. I see no reason why I would suddenly rebuke my medical interventions and try to do this on my own.

So the whole point of this random rant is to say - Kudos to those who want to do all natural birth and will somehow enrich their lives by embracing all of the discomforts that come with rearing children. I have absolutely no desire to - and although my opinion isn't the popular one - it's mine and I'm sticking to it :)

Lightning Crotch - Why didn't someone warn me about this???

Honestly I feel bamboozled. Everyone knows pregnant women suffer from any number of discomforts. I was prepared for cramps, hot flashes, sore joints, nausea, headaches, constipation etc. But no one warned me that once I reached the third trimester, I'd get a sensation that feels like my baby has been armed with an ice pick and is trying to claw her way out. I had to google this - because although my nurses, OBs, midwives and perinatologist swear it's normal it is the most unholy sensation.

If your'e wondering what it feels like - it's like having a lightning jolt at the top of your vagina or on your cervix. It lasts maybe 2 - 4 seconds at a time. My poor DH has to watch me walk and then start to stagger without warning. Lately I've been having these "lightning crotch" spells in the evenings and they can last an hour or longer. They are so strong I can barely walk or worse they bring me to my knees. I've been terrified that it's my cerclage failing or worse, my cervix trying to dilate through the cerclage. I've got less than 48 hours until the stitch comes out, so I guess there's nothing to do but wait. The last time I've gone in for appointments after having these pains, my cervix has measured fine.

I confess, I've consulted Dr. Google and according to him, there are pretty much 3 reasons this could be happening. #1 - It's the feeling of my cervix trying to dilate.
#2 - It's the baby's head pushing on a nerve
#3 - It's a side effect of a cerclage

Ugh - so of course this is completely inconclusive. I can only hope that it goes away once I have my cerclage removed.